Keeping in touch & getting older!?

Hello everybody!?I'm still meeting people on line. I finally had lunch last Friday with Raven, the Native Indian. I think he was expecting something. Or he was afraid I was I'm not sure. In any case, he's very nice. He looks different from his pic. I think his pic was stretched to make him look taller and thinner. He still looked great, but different. I didn't tell him cause before I could say anything, he told me I didn't look like my pic. I'm still talking and chatting with the hang up guy from out west. He seems pretty cool. I'm also still in touch with Alex from Toronto. He's hard to reach because of his work. And he's hard to read. Still no news from my French singer. Maybe later this week. I am suppose to meet a guy from Edmonton this Saturday for lunch. He's in town for work. We chatted for a good while last night. He seems pretty nice. His name is Noel. I'll keep you posted. I did spend a fun quiet day yesterday. Pascal didn't go to work cause he was sick so he gave me my gift and cake at 8 in the morning. He got me an external hard drive. Mine was just to full with all the pictures I'm taking. So I spent a good part of the day copying my stuff to the disk. We should wipe my computer clean and start anew. Hopefully it will run better after. I should be making new pics of me this week end. Not because of Raven, but my friend out west asked me for some. If everything is ok, I should post them Sunday on my week end wall. Have fun!? J

Today's the day!?

Have fun!? J

The crying game!?

Yes guys it's true. I'm living the "Crying game" in reverse. I never thought I'd be had by something like this. I've had a guy in my life for about two weeks now. One of the most affectionate that I've had in a long time. He reminds me of my ex Rusty. He had red hair. Although the age difference is there, he is just one of the most passionate guys I've ever met. Well I should say she. You see it turns out that for the last two weeks, I've not had a guy in my life, but a girl. I feel cheated. I feel lied to. Yes it complicates things. Yes it will cost me more. But now that I'm in love, what am I suppose to do? I'm trying to change my way of thinking. I hope I don't cause her mental anguish by still calling her by her guy name. I just can't bring myself to call her by any other name. I just hope the vet understands. NEO is a female. Have fun!? J

Dragging!?

This is really how I feel today. My mood is still good. But the muscle relaxers the doc prescribed are leaving me so drained, I feel like I'm deflated. I tried to get up and go to work this morning but I just couldn't move fast enough and just went back to bed. Even now as I'm writing this, I have to rest my arms down or I get weaker and start to shake. I almost feel like I need support today to get around. Talk about a relaxer. I'd call them drainers. The up side is I slept all night. In fact I don't remember falling asleep. But I had such a hard time getting up this morning. On top of that, I'm not even thinking about anything. I'm just calm and quiet. I either needed a lot of help or they might be a bit too strong. I'll try to make it to the pharmacy and talk it over with them. I don't think I'll be taking one tonight. Or if I do, I'll try to split it in two. Have fun!? I'm going back to bed!? J

Sunday Song II !?

From me to you!? I feel great!? J

Sunday Song!?

BLUR "Girls And Boys" Street's like a jungle So call the police Following the herd Down to Greece On holiday Love in the 90's Is paranoid On sunny beaches Take your chances looking for [Chorus] GIRLS WHO ARE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS TO BE GIRLS WHO DO BOYS LIKE THEY'RE GIRLS WHO DO GIRLS LIKE THEY'RE BOYS ALWAYS SHOULD BE SOMEONE YOU REALLY LOVE Avoiding all work Because there's none available Like battery thinkers Count your thoughts on 1 2 3 4 5 fingers Nothing is wasted Only reproduced Get nasty blisters Du bist sehr schon But we haven't been introduced [Chorus] Have fun!? J

Let your spirit guide you!?

I know it's probably not my place to talk about him because I don't even know him, but I think it's important now that he knows and sees what he might not. He needs all the support he can get. I know the decision is his in the end. I know because my mom did the same thing. Four times. And the fourth time I guess she was ready because it worked. I understand that for a lot of people it's the only way out. It's the only way they see or can see. Well I think we should do our best to make sure we show him that it's not the only way out. I think we should try to show him what he might not see. I'm talking about our very own Voyeur Lawyer. Like I said, I don't know him. So I'll go with what I see and my deductions on things I've observed. Bailey, from what I gather you're a beautiful person. Lets get the obvious out of the way. I can only talk about this picture of yours, but man are you a cutie. You have a nice body and look at that smiling face!? Now for the rest of you. Judging from your acquaintances, you have to be a beautiful guy inside. I know only one of these people and I know he wouldn't have wasted his time if you had not been a good guy. I know in a way it's not saying much, but I trust his judgment. I can't really elaborate on this but I'm sure others that know you better can. It would be good if they commented so that we, the newbies, get to know this great guy I know you are. From the little I know of you, you amaze me. You were adopted. You became a lawyer and from what I gather you also practice. All this is already a great feat in itself, but add being deaf and it's even more amazing. I'm not sure I would have had the courage. This tells me you are also a pretty strong person. I know you're the Voyeur Lawyer, how about also becoming the GMR Lawyer? I don't know what kind of law you practice, but I'm sure some of us need a lawyer. I know I do. Just a thought. Take care Bailey!? I know that the person you made the promise to, understands and forgives you. Your virtual friend, J

Already 3 months!?

September 21st marked the 3 month anniversary of this blog!?

Thank you!? Have fun!? J

I keep hanging on!?

Yesterday was a good day at work. I started the day with a Christmas meeting. I'm part of the organizing committee. Then did a bit of work. Went to lunch. Had a training and worked a bit more. After work I decided to look into getting another cell phone. I stopped using mine about 3 years ago. I got one. I actually chatted and spoke to all four guys again yesterday. I should meet Raven tonight. He sounds like such a sweet guy. I didn't meet the French singer and his bf the other day. I guess it'll be for another day. Alex from Toronto is still a big sweet heart. I wished he lived closer. I think he and I have a great chemistry. I know we'd be close friends. I will be looking into signing up at the pool this week end and see about some yoga. There was a flyer on our fence last night. I guess I wont have to look to far. I hope it's sunny this week end. I'd like to shoot a few pictures. NEO is still the adorable kitten. He's so affectionate. I was a bad parent, I didn't take him to the vet last night. It took me so long to get my phone. I'll go next week when the vet I trust is there. Today is "Downtown without my car". A part of downtown will be closed to let people walk in the streets. Last year they had people in costumes, grass on the street. Musicians. It should be a lot of fun!? Have fun!? J

To blog or not too!?

I used to feel tangled in that rope,

but now I feel I have a handle on things.

I woke up this morning, smiling as usual, and realized I was telling a "friend" goodbye just because I didn't need him anymore. I can't do that. I'll see less of this friend, and now we'll talk about other things. It can become more meaningful. More intimate. More me. I did say I'm becoming someone I've never known before, so lets explore that together. After all, I am suppose to meet a Native Indian and a French singer soon. I can't just keep you in suspense. Still smiling!? Still having fun!? Still naïve!? J PS: Have fun!?

Reflections!?

I had an appointment to see my doctor this morning. Every time I go see a doctor, I always make a list of things I would like to talk about, things that have improved, things that have or haven't changed. Things I'd like to start working on, etc... I told him everything I told you guys in my Handle on life post. He was concerned only about two things, number one: was I over doing some things, like obsessed. I told him no, the only thing I might have gone over board on were frames that were on special at the photo store. But I will be taking and printing more pictures, either to give or hang in the apartment, so... He said that was fine. He was happy when I told him about NEO, the new clothes, even if I still find myself bigger then I should be. The other thing is my throat, he's concerned because it's still hurting sometimes. So he's sending me to a specialist. I'm not going to take a higher dose of medication. We both decided that what ever little symptoms I have I will deal with them and they will go away. He did suggest Omega 3's when I asked him about taking a supplement of vitamin B12. I told him about what I would like to undertake, swimming, yoga, more cycling and home weight training. He told me to go for it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with more exercise. I didn't ask him about going back to school. He told one of my friends who is taking a really smaller dose than me, not to go back to school until next year, and not more then one course per semester.So I can just imagine what he'd have said to me. Besides, I'm still not sure what to do. At work they will pay my studies if I go into administration. I don't want that. I would like to go into horticulture or photography. But work won't pay for arts or nature studies. And since I'm still debating, I'm not doing anything about it. So it's back to thinking about what I want to do with my life. Yes there is the homeless project, but it still scares me. I even told him about my being more confidant and going out and meeting people. I told him I was excited, but a part of me wasn't. He laughed. Not in a mean way. He said, with all that medication, you probably have more wet noodles then wood. I had to laugh too. At least he understood. So he prescribed something to help me. I can't wait to try it out. So when it came time for me to leave, he said see you in three months, keep up the good work and now with those nice erections you should be even happier. How can you not laugh at that. I'm sure I'll be. And the other guy will too. I really didn't think it would take me here when all this started last March. So I'm well on my way on the road to recovery. Mind if I hitch a ride?! J ed's note: It took me all day to write this post. I really don't feel the need too anymore. I was really using this as an outlet to better understand myself. Not to say that I know me perfectly, but I guess it was more a tool to let my doubts and worries out. I don't think I'll stop blogging, but I will probably slow down some. If I look at my past, I used to write when I was blue, then there would be a period of no writing at all and then I'd pick up where I left off. So unless I use this blog for another outlet, it will be quiet here for a while!? I'll keep you posted on my decision!?

Filling up a need doesn't fill up the void!?

Although this can be lots of fun, it only lasts for a few hours and then it's over. I have met some fun people, but the steam evaporates when you open the door. I need to find good friends. People who are more then just a "fun" time. People with heads on their shoulders. People with opinions and hearts. People with substance. Last night during my, as fun as ever, sleep pattern, I met 4 different guys. GAY.com really surprised me last night. My first encounter was with a 28 year old Native Indian from the Maritimes who moved here for work purposes. His name is Raven. It's part of the translation of his full name, and he does have a more "normal" name, but for his privacy, I'll stick to Raven. He seems like a great guy. He as lots of stories and owes me a few over coffee. After a short nap, I met Michael. He's a 42 year old French singer who lives in town. He and his bf work in a firm like the one I used to work at. He seems to be very nice also. He will be singing in October and invited me to go see him. We're suppose to meet for coffee soon. Thank god I love coffee!? After a third nap, I met a Mexican dancer/actor. He's 32. Lives in Mexico. Again another nice guy. He's tall and pretty beautiful. Long black hair. I love the way he breaks his English. He's cute. Last but not Least, I met Alex. Alex is 28 from Toronto. I think he's one of the most mature guys I've ever met. Another cutie with brains. He seems very nice, but I think he's a workaholic. Doesn't seem to have a life, his work is almost 24/7. We chatted and talked for about 5 hours. After that I went to bed and he went to work. I guess I'm starting to reach out and make contact. Who knows, I might soon write that I just don't have enough time for all my friends. That will never happen. I'm too much a people person for that. And with my new outlook, I'm sure not going to complain about friends. So I guess and hope this will be me soon!? J

Sunday Song!?

Right Here, Right Now!?

Jesus Jones

Righ here, right now!?

A woman on the radio

talks about revolution

when it's already passed her by

Bob Dylan didn't have this to sing about

you know it feels good to be alive

I was alive and I waited waited

I was alive and I waited for this

Right here, right now,

there is no other place

I want to be

Right here, right now,

watching the world wake up from history

I saw the decade in,

when it seemed

the world could change

at the blink of an eye

And if anything

then there's your sign

of the times

I was alive and I waited waited

I was alive and I waited for this

Right here, right now

I was alive and I waited waited

I was alive and I waited for this

Right here, right now,

there is no other place I want to be

Right here, right now,

watching the world wake up from history

Right here, right now,

there is no other place I want to be

Right here, right now,

watching the world wake up from history

Right here, right now,

there is no other place I want to be

Right here, right now,

watching the world wake up

Trying to get a handle on life!?

After taking a few days off, I'm glad to be back. It was nice not to have to work on myself for a while. I did get into some trouble in the last few days. I can't get into too much details as it is not over yet. I'll keep you posted. I still feel great. I really feel better then before I got sick. Also as you saw, I became a dad again. I just love my little NEO!? You'll find a picture of him at the end with his bigger brother Teddy!? They all just get along great. I am catching up on my blog reading. I'm not done yet, but I'll get there. I was reading this guy today, and I liked what he had to say. I want to know more. But after a while I started thinking, what am I looking for?! Who am I?! Who am I suppose to be?! I guess working on yourself and finding someone you've never met, will do that to you. I feel like I've become someone I don't know. With all these changes taking place inside of me, I really don't know and don't understand myself anymore. Is it just the image that I had of myself that is changing, or is it ME that is changing. I find myself more assertive. More positive. More go getter. Less shy. Less closed in. Less afraid. Less vulnerable. I know it's all good, but I really feel out of my element. Out of myself. I'm living a life I don't know. Probably the life I was meant to live, but I feel like I'm walking into the middle of a movie. Is it because I'm trying to go too fast?! If so, what is the right speed?! I feel like I've missed to much of the movie already. Now that I'm getting into character, I need to understand the role cause I want in, NOW!? But what is the plot?! Where is this story suppose to go?! How will it end?! I watched a really bad movie tonight. But still it made me think. Why is life so hard?! Why do we make it so hard?! I think I'm moving away from being happy with what I have, to looking at what I don't have. I know I shouldn't do that, but still... I feel like I've never really been looking. Like the before was not real because it wasn't ME!? I feel like I've wasted enough time. I'm glad of what I have. I love what I have. I feel that if the ME from now had been there before or since the beginning, I'd have more. Not better, just more. I somehow feel cheated, left out in the cold. Once you clear your head, is it wrong to be a bit longing at the past?! What you feel you missed!?Is it a step in the process?! Something we live through and then get over?! I do feel better. More alive. Closer to the now as ever before. I know I'm not done and that I have to keep going in order to keep what I've worked for and get to the end. I know it's a slow process. I've been really working at it for the last 3 years. But most of the work happened during this summer. I guess I should stop asking questions and try to understand the person that I've become. Keep living without searching. It's hard when you find your life, not to look for the meaning of it. I'd like some feedback!? What's your take on this?! Have fun!? J PS

He is the chosen ONE!?

He is the latest addition to the real world. The last one of his kind to enter, our MATRIX!?

J

Watch for him!?

Fools have to rest too!?

Remember Me !? Have fun till I come back!? ?!

It's all for you!?

I don't think I would have made so much progress without my blog, without you!? Here's to blogland!? Here's to you!? Again, things to make you go Hmmmm!? Call it a gift, a thank you or a tease!? You can select either or, and imagine... *I know how to dance!? Lap dance # 1!? Lap dance # 2!? All this to say thank you!? And to keep you busy while I'm at work!? Have fun!? J

Hung naked on the town square...

With the lack of response, I feel the need to justify my post, to explain my reactions. I feel like I've been left naked on the town square for all to see.Well here is a copy of the only comment I made and will make about it. This I left on my friend Ric's blog just now at 3:45 am. -Yours will be the only place I'll comment on this. The world over was in shock of what happened. The world over was in mourning. The world over was thinking of those thousands of people. I observed all the moments of silence that the world over observed. It has been 5 years, we will always remember the incident. we have mourned that day and so forth in normal mourning. we probably think about it more then we should. I have the book with the thousands of pictures on a shelf right next to my desk. To take time to remember is one thing, to re-enact that plummeting man, those hijackers, all that was not seen is just troubling. To want to make a bigger, worst memory in the minds of people is troubling. Why make a bigger deal today then last year? Because it's a rounder number? To me it's sad. It's madness. It just reminds me of what as been done since. Nothing. It reminds me that nothing good came out of all of this. It reminds me of the war that is still going on. I don't remember the hijackers, I remember that nut making a rodeo of all of this. A blood bath, but the water is still running, after 5 years. The body count is still growing. Each of them were mourned by all. Each of them got mourned by their loved ones. Each of them have been and always will be remembered. Lets not mourn again. Lets not mourn anymore. - So not out of disrespect, out of love and compassion, lets not mourn but make the world a better place to be. I think that is what they would have wanted. J

Back to the Present!?

Why do we tend to remember what's not good, the bad, the wrong?! I'm looking back at how for so long I've been carrying this hole of missing my friend Sandra. I brought it up yesterday to make myself understand once and for all that it's ok for us to be separated. When the time comes, when the chips fall, we'll be there for each other. We e-mailed each other back and forth four or five times yesterday. I understand when she told me I brought it back up. But to me it was always there. I had to write it for me to finally understand that it was ok. Since cleaning house, I see a lot of stuff that's being carried around for no reason. I've been living so far in the past and so far in the future that the present even close before and after is not even imaginable. Why do we cling to bad memories that will only bring us down?! Why do we look so far ahead?! And it's not enough that we do it to ourselves, others do it to us. I did it to my friend. Governments do it to us all. TV, newspapers and magazines try to get their readers. Why?! I did it to finally make myself see it. We have to remember this is my journal. But all the others do it for money, power, control, revenge. Doing this to humanity keeps us in the dark, makes us slaves. Why do we even listen to all this?! Well for my part, no TV was watched this week end, and none will be watched today. Actually I've been living without TV for quite some time now. I haven't watched the news or read a paper for even longer. Not because I don't care, I don't want to be lied to. News is news, not bad news, or not just bad news. I'm tired to be forced to see bloody bodies while I'm eating or before bed. Don't tell me I'm ignorant or selfish. Don't tell me we have to look at the big picture. If people had looked at the smaller picture first, our own neighborhood, Province/State, Country, we would all be the better for it. Let's keep a closer eye on our small picture and I'm sure a lot of things will resolve themselves. The world is actually doing what I've been doing for so long, looking too far back and too far ahead. I wonder if the pill company would have enough to cover the world. I'm starting to understand that I'm not like that. I never was. But I guess my system tried to follow the rest of the world. I'm finally getting the two together and I guess I'll step aside or walk behind, cause I'm not going to fall for those traps again. As for the pictures, I just want to say thank you for "Don't ask, don't tell"!? There is less of us getting lost in this stupidity. Who knows, maybe some day we'll be the majority!? The boy as covered a lot of ground in a really short time!? This is my only contribution to today!? The War Song Take care!? Have fun!? Smile!? J

Spring cleaning!?

I knew it would only be a question of time, I woke up a bit before 7 this morning. I had the chance to e-mail my friend Sandra a few times. I also e-mailed some of you and replied to my comments. I even posted a second Sunday Song!? I would like to announce that the dishes were all done by yours truly last night and my office and room are clean. I made my bed. Only have to fold the laundry and everything is in tip top shape. I even hung the picture/painting of my bike ride in the living room. I groomed my cat also. You could say I've been busy. I even made breakfast for me and Pascal!? Ask him when's the last time I made breakfast for both of us. And it wasn't just toast, scrambled eggs with sausage and potatoes. It was pretty good. I'm not wired, I'm just moving this morning. Time to go pick up an order I placed for some pictures to be developed. I'll look into some frames also. It feels great. I might even go out tonight!? Before I go I'd like to apologies to my friend Sandra, she took my comment a bit personally, but the writing was mainly there for me, to make me understand that I finally understood that we don't always have to be together, to be together. I do love her. I appreciate her presence in my life. She is not a mean person and I never saw her that way. I just needed to let myself know that it was ok for us to be apart. BTW, that pic is me stuck in the sheets trying to make my bed!? Right!? I wish!? lol Have fun!? J

Sunday Song II !?

Good Sunday morning to all!? Chambre avec vue Henry Salvador Chambre avec vue C'est un ailleurs C'est une chambre avec vue C'est un ailleurs Un lien où j'ai vécu Quelques bonheurs Passés inaperçus Quelques douceurs Avec une inconnue Que j'ai connu... C'est le grand air C'est une chambre avec vue C'est le grand air Juste au coin de la rue Une vie entière De la fin au début Douce et amère L'ai-je vraiment vécue Je ne sais plus Je ne sais plus... J

Sunday Song!?

Hope you enjoy the eye candy!?

Slow !? KYLIE MINOGUE "Slow" Knew you'd be here tonight So I put my best dress on Boy I was so right Our eyes connected Now nothing's how it used to be No second guesses Track in on this feeling Pull focus close up you and me Nobody's leaving Got me affected Spun me 180 degrees It's so electric Slow down and dance with me Yeah, slow Skip a beat and move with my body Yeah, slow Come on and dance with me Yeah, slow Skip a beat and move with my body Yeah, slow Don't wanna rush it Let the rhythm pull you in It's here so touch it You know what I'm saying And I haven't said a thing Keep the record playing Slow down and dance with me Yeah, slow Skip a beat and move with my body Yeah, slow Come on and dance with me Yeah, slow Skip a beat and move with my body Yeah, slow Read my body language Take it down, down Slow down and dance with me Yeah, slow Skip a beat and move with my body Yeah, slow Come on and dance with me Yeah, slow Skip a beat and move with my body Yeah, slow Skip a beat and move with my body Skip a beat and move with my body Skip a beat and move with my body Slow

J

Reflections!?

Brainstorming stage 2!? Now it's time to look at each of these ideas, see if they're relevant and see what is going on or not going on!? 1)Went back to work:I feel good about starting work again. Although it doesn't feel like it, I ride my bike to and from or take a cab. I take it easy, go for extra breaks sometimes to breath and relax. I'm glad to see the people again. I'm glad to be able to help our clients. But I know that a lot of what happened to me is because of work. I'm not satisfied, not happy, I don't feel fulfilled. At work is the only time I still suffer anxiety symptoms. 2)Upped my meds: This really helped me. I feel revived, like I've never felt before. I'm almost sure I needed these a long time ago. 3)Woke up. Came alive: I think thanks to the pills and also the work I've been doing on myself, have given me more confidence. Strength. 4)Lost blogger friends: I can't change anything to that. So be it!? 5)Made new blogger friends: I think since I'm changing, so are the people I meet. 6)Eva is still in the runnings for Canadian Idol: I'm happy but can't do anything about it!? 7)The Canadian white Michael Jackson is also still in the running: There is nothing I can do about it. 8)Things seem ok between me and Pascal: They are. And I'm glad. Happy. 9)I feel good: Very good. Like I've never felt before. Better then the me I knew before all this. 10)My room is still a mess: I think it's a reflection that things are in shambles in my life right now. I'm sure the better my life gets, so will the state of my room. I don't think it's nothing to worry about. 11)I don't go out with the cats during the day. In the backyard. They're allowed: As long as what I do feels good to me, that's what counts. I'm not mistreating them, just not going out. 12)Took savings to be able to live and not just survive: This was necessary to get back on track and remove most of the det I made while sick. If I have the money to fix a problem, why not fix it and get it over with? I'll make up the savings in no time and wont see the missing money as a det. Less stress. 13)Scream in my sleep. 3 times: I was never able to defend myself in my dreams. I'd try to scream when I got robbed or attacked, but nothing came out. Well I've started to be able to say something now. The first 2 times I even woke myself while screaming. The last time, I didn't even wake up. Poor Pascal, I scare him every time. Well my mind is also cleaning itself. The conscious is moving in on the unconscious and making things right. 14)Don't do the dishes regularly: This goes with # 10. 15)Still sorta drink too much: Yes I do, but it's not every day anymore. So I see improvement. So I'll be careful, but I think the more I move forward, the better I'll be about my drinking. 16)Sleep is still disturbed: I think it could also be caused by all these changes taking place in me right now. The pills could also be to blame. 17)Lived through an accident: I would always imagine an accident, you know when a car speeds up to make the orange light, and most of the time you'll get a car that can't wait for the light to turn green, so it'll move before it's time. Well since I've been taking the pills, I stopped seeing those imaginary accidents. Then, it did happen for real. I saw it. Although I did react pretty strongly to it, it didn't take me back to my old habits. 18)Started, I think, a Long Distance Relationship. Something I said I'd never do: I still don't know why this happened, but it's over now, I'm better for it. 19)Am I running away?: No, just trying to spread and get the love I never got and was never really able to give. 20)Thinking of moving out of town: Not now. Maybe later, but somewhere here in Québec. 21)See trucks from ex dad's Co. and don't even think twice about it: I used to get a chilling sensation, now I just know I know that company. 22)Still smiling every morning: I'm sure this is related to being the me that I never got to be. I like it. 23)Get anxiety only when I go in to work: Goes with # 1. 24)Still bored, unchallenged at work: Probably time to move on, but I would like to do something else. 25)Same F*ing problems at work: I tried, others tried. There is just nothing to be done about them. So be it and move on. 26)Love some peeps at work still hate others: Just like real life. I can be civil when needed. 27)Want to talk to 2 specific friends but they're not available: One of them is my best friend Sandra. We sorta drifted apart on and off over the years, but we always found each other. I don't feel we're as close as we used to be, and I accept that. Now that she has a baby, it's a bit more difficult, I understand that. She did prove to me the other day that she is still there for me. Although I declined her offer, It meant a lot to me that she did not even hesitate and offered to help. We might not be as close, but I know we are still there for one another. The other person is a new friend. He would be in my family love category from my post, How many ways can I say I love you. I feel calm and at peace with him. I feel like I'm learning when I'm with him. He's the first person that even though we are together, I can still have some alone time. I've never been with someone that I feel this comfortable with. I know I bug him when I ask for us to get together, but I think he still appreciates it in the end. I hope. 28)I do feel better: Like I said, I feel like I've never felt before. Thanks to the work I'm doing on myself, the medication, the people in my life right now. And the people that are no longer in my life right now. So as you can see, I've looked at most aspects of what happened in the last 3 weeks. I detailed them but won't ponder more on them. It was just a check up. Things are moving along great, I'll let them take me where I need to go. Have fun!? J

A phone call, a club and his bf's apt.!?

After drinking a bit to much yesterday(Wednesday) I took a nap and woke up revived. Just a little buzzed, but 100% better. I decided I wanted to do something. I hopped on GAY.com, I got popped right away by this pretty good looking man. Right away he asked me if I had MSN. So we moved to MSN. Right after he asks if he can call me. I don't know why, I never give out my number. I didn't even know where he came form. But I gave it to him. He calls me and as soon as I answer he tells me never mind and he hangs up. What the? I was pissed. 10 minutes later the phone rings again. It was him calling to apologies. We ended up talking for about 10 - 15 minutes. He sounds like a great guy. He's from out West. He was surprised at how nice I seemed and said he was glad he called. I told him to call or e-mail anytime. He said he would. Then I decided to go out. Got in a cab, the driver was so nice, we talked all the way to the village. He even shook my hand before I left and said thank you. I went to Stud's. This is a bar where men are men. No magazine model wanna be's. Just regular, relaxed guys. I find natural beauty so sexy. I had fun dancing. I saw a few cute guys, but nothing came of it. I moved to another club. The music was good, but too underground for me. I went to the roof for a smoke. There I met a French guy visiting from France. He looked good. Wavy dark hair, combed back. He was hot. Nice. And found me adorable. We spent about an hour talking touching and making out. He couldn't believe how nice and hot I was, but yet gentle. After that I went to another club. It took a while but I spotted a guy I liked. We talked. His bf was on vacation in France for a month. So I decided to just talk to him. He made a move. I stopped him. I asked him about his bf. He's probably doing the same thing. He said. I hate when couples have an open relationship. He too asked me why I didn't have a bf, I'm so sweet!? Well, he was there, I was there. He was cute and I was hot. So I went with it. When it was time to go he said he had to sleep. He was working in the morning. I offered to just go sleep with him. Sleep as in snoring guys. He said no, he couldn't cause he was going to sleep at his bf's apt. We walked to his bike, he offered me a cigarette. Then we walked in the same direction. Supposedly till I found a cab. We walked by 3 cab stands, full of cabs. Neither of us mentionned it. He told me we were at the street of his bf's apt. I said I'd walk with him and then take a cab from there. Once at the door I was going to say goodbye, he offered another cigarette. I could see he didn't want me to leave. He kept saying he couldn't bring me in. Then when he started to walk out back, he turned and asked if I wanted to come in for 5 minutes. We walked in, He called work to say he hardly slept and was not going to come in. He sat at the kitchen table, I straddled his thigh. He walked me out in his underwear to the sidewalk, I offered him a cigarette and we kissed goodbye!? They say things come in threes. Well I made a new friend. Made sure to be hospitable to our French cousins and was the adulterer of a very sexy guy and his vacationing bf. It was a good night. I went to bed at 5:40!? J

Tell me that ain't a painting!?

Sorry Torn!? You are now 24X36 in our dinning room!? J

Brainstorming!?

First let me tell you I had a hard time finding a pic that would fit my mood!? I guess brainstorming on the web is not positive!? lol

I decided to share my way of thinking!? I've been thinking and rethinking where I'm headed!? For this, I usually brainstorm everything I need to concentrate on. Then I brainstorm on each of the first answers!? From this I take what makes sense and what doesn't!? So lets start, brainstorming stage 1!? What happened to me in the last, say, 3 weeks?! Went back to work. Upped my meds. Woke up. Came alive. Lost blogger friends. Made new blogger friends. Eva is still in the runnings for Canadian Idol. The Canadian white Michael Jackson is also still in the running. Things seem ok between me and Pascal. I feel good. My room is still a mess. I don't go out with the cats during the day. In the backyard. They're allowed. Took savings to be able to live and not just survive. Scream in my sleep. 3 times. Don't do the dishes regularly. Still sorta drink too much. Sleep is still disturbed. Lived through an accident. Started, I think, a Long Distance Relationship. Something I said I'd never do. Am I running away? Thinking of moving out of town. See trucks from ex dad's Co. and don't even think twice about it. Still smiling every morning. Get anxiety only when I go in to work. Still bored, unchallenged at work. Same F*ing problems at work. Love some peeps at work still hate others. Want to talk to 2 specific friends but they're not available. I do feel better. So here are some of my 1st brainstorming ideas on my last 3 weeks. Care to comment?! Remember these are just brainstorm ideas!? J I'll post my answers tomorrow morning!? I don't want to influence what you are thinking when reading this!? And I'll repost after coming back from my shrink!?

Taking stock!?

Before I start, yes I'm still smiling and no I'm not leaving blogger!? So Gray, rest assured!?

I used to call these Jann Arden days!? Well she's not playing right now!? I actually have upbeat music playing!? You see I'm a Libra. I've always analyzed things to death before doing anything. And more often then not missing the boat!? Well for the past few weeks, I haven't been analyzing anything!? It feels good!? Weird for me to just go in head first and not think about anything. Well today I still woke up smiling, but I feel the need to review what's happening. I need to see and understand these new feelings. I just want to make sure to keep it up. I do feel good. I'm planning on being this way for as long as I can. I'm in a very positive mood, just making sure my moods are taking me where I want to go!? I'll be back with my results!? In the mean time, I do feel like this!?

John Mayer - Bigger Than My Body

Have fun!? Keep smiling!? EXFX J

Week end update!?

I am heading out to work again this morning, but like every other good night of sleep that I have, it's now 2:45. So I have some time to give you an update of how I've been feeling this week-end. More of the same I'm afraid. The sun keeps shining down on me. I feel good. I wake up smiling every morning, no there is no one in my bed to make me smile. But I'm sure that won't be far off. I wanted to tell you, Friday night after leaving the photo store, I was in a very happy mood. Stepping out of the store I had a smile on my face, well people passing by were actually smiling back. I live about 4 blocks from the store, and all the way home people seemed receptive and smiled back. I went shopping on Saturday, again I was told about my smile being infectious. And I was also looked in the eyes and told that my eyes were beautiful and seemed full of life. You see my eyes are grey. Which means that depending on what I wear and my mood, they will change color. I call them my mood eyes, like the mood rings. Well Saturday they were blue and green. The color of good mood. For the first time in my life I walked into a shoe store, money in hand and they had shoes that I actually loved and wanted. I left with 2 pairs of shoes and a pair of boots. Usually I see what I want but don't have the money. And when I have the money, I don't see anything I like. So my good mood as been holding. I was afraid it was going to be a passing thing. But even as I'm writing this at 3:16, I'm smiling and really happy. The first Sunday Song was following a conversation with a very interesting guy. ;) More later. He said I'd never dance alone again. And the other was of course for the good mood. How everything fits together. Even in a good mood I can't help but make you go hmmmm. So I had to post the think agains. I was told this week end that my writing had changed. Do you think it did. I have one request, press play and just let loose. Think about nothing but having fun for a few minutes. And smile. Come on!? I dare you!? I want you!?;) C+C Music Factory - Things That Make You Go Hmmm J

Think agains!?

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." - ee cummings "Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away." - Sir Thomas Beecham "The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well." - Joe Ancis The doors of the Immortal are open. Let them who can hear respond with faith. J

Monday off = Sunday Song!?

We go together!?

John Travolta and Olivia Newton John!? We go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong Remembered forever as shoo-bop sha whada whadda yippidy boom da boom Chang chang changity chang shoo bop that's the way it should be Waooo Yeah We're one of a kind like dip da dip da dip do whap de dobby do Our names are signed boogedy boogedy boogedy boogedy shooby do wap shoo bop Chang chang changity chang shoo bop we'll always be like one Wa-wa-wa-one When we go out a night (oh-h oh) And stars are shining bright (oh-h, oh) Up in the skies above Or at the high school dance Where you can find romance maybe it might be lo-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uve Ramma lamma lamma ka dingity ding da dong Shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yippity boom da boom Chang chang changity chang shoo bop Dip da dip da dip do wop da dooby do Boogy boogy boogy boogy shooby sho wap sho wap Sha na na na na na na na yippity dip da do Ramma lamma lamma ka dingity ding da dong Shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yippity boom sha boom Chang chang changity chang shoo bop Yip da dip da dip shoo bopp sha dooby do Boogedy boogedy boogedy boogedy shooby do wap sho bop Sha na na na na na na na yippity dip da do A womp bop a looma a womp bam boom We're for each other like womp bop a looma a womp bam boom Just like my brother is sha na na na na na na na yippity dip da do Chang chang changity chang shoo bop we'll always be together Waooo Yeah! We'll always be together We'll always be together We'll always be together We'll always be together We'll always be together We'll always be together We'll always be together

J

Sunday Song!?

Simple Minds

Don't you forget about me!?

Won't you come see about me I'll be alone, dancing --- you know it will be me Tell me your troubles and doubts Giving me everything inside and out Love's strange --- so real in the dark Think of the tender things That we were working on Slow change may pull us apart When the light gets into your heart, Baby Don't you forget about me Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you forget about me Will you stand above me Look my way, never love me Rain keeps falling Rain keeps falling Down, down, down Will you recognize me Call my name Gonna walk on fire Rain keeps falling Rain keeps falling Down, down, down Don't you try and pretend It's my feeling We'll win in the end I won't harm you Or touch your defences Vanity, insecurity Don't you forget about me I'll be alone, dancing --- you know it, Baby Going to take you apart I'll build us back together a heart, Baby Don't you forget about me Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you forget about me As you walk on by Will you call my name As you walk on by Will you call my name When you walk away Oh, will you walk away Will walk away Oh, call my name Will you call my name

J

Think agains!?

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him. - Galileo Galilei If you live the sacred and despise the ordinary, you are still bobbing in the ocean of delusion. - Lin-Chi Assuming makes you lose so much. - Joël Have fun!? Smile!? - J

At play in the garden of good!?

Today I can honestly say I feel like a kid!? I've been feeling great all week!? Funny how out of "no where" great things can appear!? You always find something where you don't look. Lately there seems to be something good in everything. Even when you think it's not so good. Sickness, distance, isolation. I woke up again smiling yesterday just thinking of the great previous day I had!? I decided not to take my bike in to work so I could go shopping after work!? So I went to the ATM to get some money for the day, when I was witness to a car accident, injuring an innocent bystander. Thank god I was not the only one and I wasn't so close. I walked away shaken and started to feel the anxiety taking over. I had to sit down to calm myself. I think this helped me go in to work because I was concentrating on the accident and not the job. Even if I'm set pretty much for the rest of my life at work, I can't help but feel unchallenged, unmotivated. I need to move. I need action. I know I have to take it easy, but yesterday there were three people on vacation and it got so boring. I went to take some pictures at lunch time. Since the beginning of the week I have to say, my wanting to take pictures again is stronger then ever. I'll have problems taking my camera in for repairs. It will probably take a few months before I get it back. By the end of the day, I didn't feel as happy. But that quickly changed when I started looking and trying on clothes. At the cash, they had a promo for a specific designer, you could get a plastic bottle to carry water around. Great for my bike. I asked and joked with the sales lady, and she said, I'll give it to you because you have a nice smile. I have a nice smile!? I wouldn't have said that of myself a week ago. She made me even happier!? I went to the photo store to pick up an enlargement of a pic of mine, the sales girl took me to the cash with my things, and said "keep that smile of yours"!? How much more can I ask for?! I was and am in heaven. The print came out nice, it's a 24X36 of my day with Torn. I will be buying an easel to put it up on because the picture looks like a painting. And I think it represents a good moment in my life. Now!? As if that wasn't enough, when I got home, Pascal was feeling much better, we ate some bad pizza the night before. We had a nice time discussing the picture and some of the work he's been doing. Then I got on here and started chatting with a cool guy!? Pretty handsome too!? He's very intelligent. He's devoted to his cause. He has a big heart, he moved back to help his mom. Now he went back to Uni to prove his demons wrong. He really seems like a great all around person. We started talking about our likes and dislikes, and I told him I liked to shower with my guy. He doesn't. I think he's set in his ways. I'm sure if he ends up with a brat like me he'll end up liking it. Don't you?! This is the best part of a movie!? It just makes me feel good!? I just have to share it with you!? Have fun!? Smile!? There is good every where!? J