Friday, August 25, 2006

How many ways can you say I love you?!

As some of you may remember, I started this blog as a journal to try to clear my head!? To try and grow. Get to know myself better and also in the hopes of helping others and make friends. Well parts of it are working!? I find the more I write, the more I get to know myself!? I think my past as helped others, like theirs helped me. I did make new friends from all over. There is one aspect of this blog that unfortunately doesn't seem to move ahead!? I still feel young, very young. I did not expect things to change over night, but I was hoping that the kid in me would have grown a few years. But I don't think it's the case!? See, through all the people that I have met on blogger, I've met some with whom once you've electronically stroked their supposedly big ego, they roll over and fall asleep. You barely hear from them after. Just like a one night that you run into at the bars. Either you just nod a hello, or hope the other didn't see you. As you can see some parts of me aren't that naïve!? There are those where you get to know a bit more. Those, you talk a bit, some personal information is exchanged. You feel like these are friends and then the talk always turns a bit raunchy, but you still keep in touch and the raunch keeps going. It's like a f**k buddy that you can talk too after sex!? And you know that you will keep on seeing this guy until one of you meets Mr. Right!? Then you'll still be friends, but won't sleep together. Then you have your more serious kind of friends. The kind that you can tell them anything and everything and they will always be there. You get so comfortable with these people that phone numbers are exchanged, addresses and you even get to meet some of them. Well this is where my naïve me has problems. Even if right now I'm talking about the blog, it's the same thing in real life!? I always stick my foot in it!? If you remember, when I was younger I had people of my own age in my life that used to call me names. So in a way I can't really call them friends. At school it was the same thing. At home, my mother was an alcoholic and my dad was in his rocking chair. So without any real outlet I just did what I knew to do. I turned inward and just lived by myself for myself. My friends were my pets. Pathetic, I know!? So when that kid was asked to grow up and take adult responsibilities, he did what he had to do. Now since life is more favorable. Since it's more comfortable, that kid knows it can now come out and play. At least that's what he wants to do. He wants to claim what he never got. What he feels life as stolen from him!? I don't know if you believe this psychology, the inner child, the way you were treated as a child affects how you live your life!? I do!? I'm living proof!? That kid in me is looking for friends, family, brothers and sisters, love and affection. I know it's hard to believe that a grown man would act like a child when it comes to this, but it's true, it's me!? I've felt so alone for so long, that now I'm looking for love, all kinds of love. So when I meet people with whom I'm really comfortable with, I get this sense of security from them and I just fall for them. Not fall as "in love". I do and want to love them. But each, to me ends up with a different role. I don't know if this makes sense, but in my head it does. That kid is looking for acceptance!? Warmth!? Compassion!? If you knew how many people I have scared away by telling them I love them. Even if I tried to explain to them how I meant it, I just never saw them again. Either they think I'm lying and think I'm really in love with them. Or they sorta believe it and take me for a basket case!? It's been 4 hours since I wrote this. I just came from my therapist. I told him about my week and about my blog. Especially this post. He disagrees with me. It wouldn't be the first time. He finds me unbelievably mature. He tells me it's because I know so much what I want and need, that it scares people cause a lot of the time, they need the same but don't know it. So he says I'm not naïve, just too simple for the people I meet. To me, it's black or white, simple. But to a lot of people, it's not!? You know, I think I've just grown!? God was it worth 85$!? So tell me readers and friends, do you sometimes feel the same way?! do you think I'm a basket case?! do you love me or...?! Waiting for your answers!? J, a bit more mature!? PS: I love you!? LOL


Blogger Lemuel said...

You know I love you, J!

As for the "basket case". No. You are open about your own issues and working on them. In the two months I've come to know you through your blog and emails, I've seen you move forward, grow, and heal. It will not all happen over night but its happening for you, trust me.

And as much as I can from cyberspace, I send my love to enfold you.

8/25/2006 06:59:00 p.m.  
Blogger Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

Hi Joe, Personally I think "needy"
is part of the job description for being human. I just think you're honest about it. I pretty much fall in love with any guy who's nice to me. I've learned not to tell everybody that, because some people do take advantage of it. There's this big empty place in every guy's heart, and it has the word love written there.
I'm not saying it to puff you up, but you just have such a huge heart it scares some people. I love your heart.

8/25/2006 07:09:00 p.m.  
Blogger Mikey said...

Hi Joe, I know that I just met you, so I am not an expert on Joe. I too like psychology, and while studying Lifespan Development, we looked at how men who are between 35 and 50 start spending time thinking about their life and maturity. I am there right now as well. The kid in me is very powerful and I accept that. Embrace yourself and you will grow. We all want love from another; it's that kid in us that makes us excited so never get rid of him. I can only go by your posts on your blog, but I can see your heart and some of your spirit...I enjoy them!!!

8/25/2006 07:26:00 p.m.  
Blogger Ur-spo said...

bloggers are no different than any other group; some are deeper than others; others are fluff; some are just out for some fun.
I am glad to be getting to know you though; you have a childlike wit and I can hear your laughter.

8/26/2006 12:26:00 a.m.  
Blogger RIC said...

Nice to see your photo back where it belongs!
You are a great man. Inside any great man there's always a beautiful, laughing child. Preserve that, please! :-)

8/26/2006 01:36:00 a.m.  
Blogger tornwordo said...

People are just wrapped up in their own lives too much to take much interest in others. And if a sense of desperation is noticed, people will flee. My shrink told me I was never going to be happy until I learned to be happy alone first. He was right. And I love everybody including you.

8/26/2006 05:43:00 a.m.  
Blogger Gray said...

Well. First: Your opening scared the hell out of me for a minute. I thought you were going to quit writing. (Don't do that!)

Second: Your description of some bloggers being like a one-nighter is *so* very true! Some come and go. Some don't feel that they're growing or they can't handle the comments or their own situation. [Aside: that's why I stopped posting for a month but will restart this weekend.]

Third: I definitely agree with you *and* with Mikey (above) who said, "men who are between 35 and 50 start spending time thinking about their life and maturity." I had my "inner child" come out during my 30's -- what a time *that* was!

Fourth: You definitely *are* a basket case. BUT, you're more like a picnic basket or a "Welcome Home" basket! Maybe a "surprise package" defines you even better. However you wish to describe yourself, you are definitely the kind of basket or package that entices.

Fifth: You bet Joel! I love you exactly the way you love others! You can "love" people you're comfortable with because of that reason alone. It does NOT mean that you are "IN love" with them. Some people just do not understand that concept. [Too bad for them.]

Sixth and finally: I hope you're physically and mentally feeling better. You had quite a time the other day. Take the weekend to relax and start again -- slowly, if need be.

Take care, buddy!!

8/26/2006 07:34:00 a.m.  
Blogger Foxy Stone said...

love... four letters that spark the world. Love should be said with every waking moment, through thoughts, actions, and words. Actions mean the most though.

love is often thwarted by fear
fear is the product of unknowning
pain is also a great deterrent to love,
though sometimes great love can develope
out of pain.

not for me though,
I'm a wimp.

10/11/2006 07:39:00 a.m.  

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