Thursday, November 30, 2006

Can you say stupid?!

Do not feel sorry for me!? I am that stupid. I had an appointment this morning at nine with the psychiatrist, I woke up at ten. I went out last night. Of course I got drunk. Apparently I got home at four and put on some music. I woke up my roommate. Do I remember any of it?! NO!? Stupid is as stupid does!? Guys, I have a drinking problem!? J

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The Alphabet MEME

A is for age: 38 B is for beer of choice: Blue Dry C is for career: Life D is for favorite Drink: Coke E is for essential item you use everyday: keys F is for favorite song at the moment: Lovelight By Robbie Williams G is for favorite game: Any game with my friends kids. H is for hometown: Montreal I is for instruments you play: none J is for favorite juice: OJ K is for kids: Do cats count?! L is for last kiss: 2 weeks ago M is for marriage: No thank you N is for name of your best friend: me O is for overnight hospital stays: 2 years ago, I stayed a week for pancreas problems. P is for phobias: none really Q is for quote: You are never better served then by yourself. Smile life is to short. R is for biggest regret: coming out at 26. Not catching on about my family sooner. S is for Shirts: Ts please T is for time you wake up: 6:00 am U is for underwear: Black CK Fitted boxers with buttons in the front. V is for vegetable you love: cauliflower, carrots W is for worst habit: I spend too much. X is for x-rays you have had: Right arm, left foot, lungs, twice. Head twice. Y is for yummy food you make: Chocolate truffle cake with raspberries Z is for zodiac sign: Libra

Monday, November 27, 2006

Help is on the way!?

"We all have to behave better than what naturally comes to us."
This quote was said on 60 minutes yesterday by Andy Rooney. Since I don't watch much TV anymore I missed it. Thank you Torn for posting it this morning. It inspired me. Made me think back to the old me. It made me realize that I was forgetting my old ways. This quote wouldn't have to be if we weren't so self centered. Where is our sense of community, our sense of family? Why do we have to behave "better" than natural? Because we are so detached from each other that we've forgotten what it means to be brothers. What it means to help each other out. We lost all respect for our fellow men. We must remember that we are all in this together. "All for one and one for all" to quote a famous group/family. Yesterday Lemuel posted a story on two people having the same dream, but one saw it as Hell and the other saw it as Heaven. This story goes with the quote above. It shows how much we're only thinking of ourselves. I know it's not everybody. But there is too much selfishness in the world. Too many who think only about themselves. How about we lend a hand from now on? When ever possible lets help each other. We don't have to wait to be asked, we can offer our help. No matter how small the gesture, you'll feel better and the person receiving your aid will be grateful. Surprised but happy of your forwardness and kindness. Congratulate someone on an action well done. Even if it's their job. A few words of encouragement, some positive feedback is always good to hear. Let people know they can lean on you when ever the need arises. Everybody needs a shoulder, an ear to be there for them. It doesn't mean they'll take advantage of your offer, but at least they'll know someone cares. Last but most important, smile. Always walk with a smile on your face. You'll see how much a smile brings out other smiles. You'll feel better and the people coming in contact with you will be a lot more positive. More relaxed and more fun. At worst, you'll feel better and will be working on a natural face lift. If you remember your biology courses, it takes less muscles to smile then to frown. Less wrinkles. Why should we wait to get to Heaven? Lets make Now Heaven. So lets help each other!? Lets have fun!? Lets smile!? J

Saturday, November 25, 2006

It's the thought that counts?!

They say it's the thought that counts. But I think it's only when you do something but it doesn't come out the way you wanted. Well I thought a lot of good things to do while I'm on sick leave. Did I do any of them? Nope!? I feel like that guy. I wanna do stuff but I don't seem to be able to find the energy. Torn, I need a bike ride. lol Where are you?! I know I should push myself, but today I don't seem to be able to. I know Thursday I'll get answers, but I don't want to sleep till then. I'm really sick of this yoyo behavior. I know, I know!? Help is on it's way. But like I said I don't want to wait till then. Am I too anxious?! Should I just shut up and relax?! I don't think so. Have fun guys!? J

Friday, November 24, 2006

Reversed psychology!?

I was trying to figure out a way to help my American friends on this dark day. Then it came to me. To get you out of your black Friday blues, I decided to try and make you concentrate on the opposite, white. I hope it works!? I'm sorry, but I think the ends justified the means!? So take two of these and call me in the morning!? Feel better?! Have fun!? J

Thursday, November 23, 2006

5m + 2d = 10k !?

Two days ago was my five month anniversary. Not that I want to cheer on every month. This is sort of special.
Who knew five months ago that I would be baring my soul for all to read. In five months, I got ten thousand hits.
Ten thousand!?
I'm glad to know some of you. I'm open to anybody that wants to chat.
Thank you all!? Have fun!? J

Latest news!?

Good news! The hospital just called and my appointment with the psychiatrist is next Thursday. It was suppose to take 2 to 4 weeks before she called. I'm so glad I won't have to wait that long. I'll keep you posted.
This is the view from my desk. My view is better then my boss and her boss. lol
Have fun!? J

Happy TG day to my American friends!?

Since everybody is posting pictures of turkeys and pies, I decided to celebrate with different pics. I hope you don't mind!?

Should I remove them and put some turkeys instead? Have fun!? J

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Laid back!?

Today was a pretty warm and sunny day.
Have fun!? J

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

On the right track!?

A bit over a year ago I told my shrink that I felt I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have an imagery mind. I told him, I felt like my parents had put me in front of a mountain and they had told me to dig, when I was going to get on the other side I'd be an adult. Like all the kids around me, I started with my hands. Then they gave me a spoon. I feel their assistance stopped there. The other kids got shovels, pick axes, a team of helpers, trucks, bulldozers and dynamite. A normal kid takes about 16 to 20 years to get to the other side. Me with my spoon, it took me about 36-37 years. Then I began the "adjustment" period. I started seeing the light around June 2005 and I guess I took a break. Now I've started my adjustment period a few months ago. I feel it inside, I am maturing. I feel like I'm growing up. I did do a big clean up in my life, in me and I guess all the mess is finally clearing out. There is still some junk in there, but I do feel some order. I think the road will be easier now. I know I'll be able to move on pretty soon. Even though I've been put on sick leave right after my vacation, it doesn't feel the same. Last week it was relaxing and enjoying. Now I feel like I should do something. Not to say that I'm stressed but I do feel like this time is given to me to keep working on myself. So that's what I'll do. If weather permits, I'll keep riding my bike. I will have to dress warmly, but if I don't feel to "restrained" in warmer clothes, I'll ride my bike again. I did sign up to the pool. I'll make a schedule and go about 3 - 4 times a week. A lot of books suggest taking yoga classes. I'd rather take a martial arts class. This way I could train, move, get in shape and the discipline does offer concentration, meditation. What do you think? I do have free weights at home that I want to start using regularly. This will help and I'll have something to do if I'm just sitting around watching tv or listening to music. But what I would be more interested in would be a program. There are programs out there for training with just your body. I don't know how it's called but you have different exercises to do that are the same thing as if you go to the gym and use the machines. If you know what I'm talking about, can you help me find some information on the web? I do want to use this "second chance" that's been given to me to really work on myself. I feel good now. Much better than last summer. So I know I can put this time to good use. I'll keep you posted. Have fun!? J

Monday, November 20, 2006

It's official!?

I saw my doctor this morning and he put me back on sick leave. He upped my meds to the maximum dosage and now I wait for a call from the psychiatrist. We think he'll change the meds. I do feel ok right now. I do have symptoms coming and going but they never stay. He doesn't understand it either. I really think my body is getting used to the meds. Thank you all for your concerns and comments. I'll keep you posted. I'll be back tomorrow with a new post. Have fun!? J

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Sleepless, and tired, in Montreal !?

I went to bed around eleven last night, after taking my pills, the full sleeping pill and half the muscle relaxor, only to get up at twelve. I watched Comic relief 2006. It seemed funny, the Canadian broadcaster decided to censor words every five seconds for ten seconds. What's the point? I went back to bed at one forty five. Got back up at three and surfed the net. Tried to sleep at four. I woke up at six. I have not slept since. Funny how the pills will put me down so hard so long, but sometimes they seem not to work at all. Why? Yesterday was quiet. I had a boost of energy and started different projects around the house only to stop cause I ran out of steam. I didn't sleep during the day, I only felt zoned out. I did sleep for a half hour around six. We're going to watch The Da Vinci code tonight. Hopefully Tom Hanks will put me to sleep. (as usual) Have fun!? J

Friday, November 17, 2006

So close but yet...!?

As much as Wednesday was, I think, THE most serine day of my life. Yesterday was another story. I woke up with a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Right away I started breathing in deeply. After a while the feeling grew into sweats and than shakes. I tried to keep myself calm and did my regular morning routine. When it came time to leave, I was sweating even more. I had to stop half way to the subway. I couldn't feel my feet and my knees were weak. The walk to the subway usually takes me less than five minutes, this time it took me half an hour. When I got to the subway station, it got worst. I turned around to go to the bank and take a cab. I felt calmer. Once I got close to the bank, it started again. I got my money and went home, called in sick and went to bed. Those feelings stayed with me all day. Even when I went to see my shrink, I spent forty minutes sweating and calming myself down. I was still nervous in his office. I didn't want to be there. I usually love our sessions. But last night, I just didn't want to be there. For some reason, he got me to calm down and feel better. The last ten minutes of our session were almost ok. Once at home, I almost felt normal. The only thing I noticed was that I was agitated. Conclusion: Him and my boss both agree that I was not ready to go back to work. He thinks my "crutch", the meds, either they're not strong enough for me or not the right ones. I'm going to see my doctor next Monday to make another appointment with a psychiatrist to revise the meds. I'm off work again. Have fun!? J

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The end of summer!?

I'm going back to work tomorrow after eight days off. My first vacation this year. I know it might sound weird, but the six months of sick leave were just that, six months of sick leave. If you take all the days I felt good in that period and put then together, I was "ok" for about three weeks. Not much of a summer if you ask me. Today was spent in a reflective mode. In solitude. Not the bad kind. Today for the first time in a long time, I was alone with myself and it felt good, no worries, no depression. Just calm and quiet. For some reason I feel like something changed in me this week. Without feeling older, I feel more mature, wiser. I feel like I got answers to questions I had. I feel at ease, more at peace. Of course I had a list of things to do around the house. Did I follow that list? No. lol. Some of you will say the best vacations are the unplanned ones. Well this one was really not planned. What happened this week? I partied. I went out four times, leaving in the evening to comeback the next morning. I met a lot of people. I had fun. For the first time in a very long time, I felt free. Like I didn't have a care in the world. Of course I made sure I was ok, but as for the rest, I just didn't think about anything. I really felt like I was on vacation. Like I was not just off work, but off "me". Does that make sense? My head was not stressing twenty four seven. That's what I mean. I guess being sick for six months is a job in itself. I feel like I've let go of a few things. It feels great. I feel great. Am I still sick? Yes, but I feel much better. I guess I had to blow off some steam. I made a big hole in my savings, but it's ok. It'll comeback. Do I have anything to show for it? Yes I do. Me! And it was worth it. All of it. Have fun!? J

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The naïve will be back tomorrow!?

Have fun!? J