Happy New Year!?

That you decide to stay in, have fun, drink or play games!? That you decide to be romantic with someone!? Or that you decide to dress up and go out!? Just make sure you're happy!?

Have fun!? J

I will anyways!?

His name is Mike!?On January first, I'll show you that mine is bigger than his!? Most of you know him!? Right Dereck!?

Have fun!? J

Looking back!?

Like a lot of you, I decided to do a retrospect of my last year. I've been staring at my screen since last night. Not because nothing happened, but because I don't know where to start. I'll do my best not to mix everything up. Last Holiday Season marked my first Christmas "sans" family. It was the first time I did not feel the pressures of the period. I remember going to get my cake on the 24th. Stopping at a store only to find everything half off and coming out with enough stuff to wrap all the presents I might have given. On the way to the bakery I helped a lady walk the slippery sidewalks to get to her destination. I gave my full pack of cigarettes to a guy that was asking for cigarettes and change. On the way back I started realizing it was Christmas and I felt at peace. Tears started to well up in my eyes. That's when I ran into my first ex. We did some small talk and just went on our separate ways. That's when I realized he wasn't all that. I got home, put in a DVD and started my movie night. Made myself some dinner and just kicked back. The next day I made my turkey dinner and it was another peaceful night. Me and Pascal ate like pigs and watched some movies. The 28th marked my first panic attack. I stepped off the subway thinking I was going to faint. After that a few mornings were almost the same. I could feel dizziness and fever creeping in on me. But it always went away. Life just took it's normal course after that. Work was ok until that famous morning in March when everything came crashing down. Figuring it was just another episode like that of the 28th, I just went home to rest. By Wednesday night I wasn't better and went to the clinic to start my road to recovery from general panic and anxiety. I really feel like a kid that was asked to clean his room and just pushed everything in the closet. By trying to cram one more thing in there, that's when the door just gave and everything fell on me. All that's past. All I lived through and everything I tried to work through with my shrink for the last two years just invaded me. Now I've been really cleaning up, slowly but I'm doing my best to put everything in it's place. The pills are helping a lot. I just hope they're only giving me the strength to keep on straightening things and not just lifting them out of my way. I remember in the beginning having a hard time going to the pharmacy and having one doctors appointment after another. Not even being able to move comfortably in my own home. That's when I started working on pictures saved on my computer. I also started reading blogs. At first not leaving comments. Then I wanted some people to know they were being read and appreciated. That's when I created my blogger account. In June I started blogging and getting feedback from the people I left comments to. I met a lot of great people. I only met a handful that were not friendly and supportive. Like everything in life, some come and go, some stay longer and some you know have taken up residency for a while. But all have helped me with their experiences or their support. I am very grateful for all of it. I had a lot of ups and downs throughout the summer. Barely able or wanting to leave the house. All part of the road to recovery I guess. Everything I went and am going through has a purpose, I think. By the end of August I was sure I was ready to go back into the real world and start living again. I didn't think the symptoms I was still experiencing every morning would get the better of me. I have to stop here and just explain something. You tell me if it makes sense. My first, really first anxiety attack was in June 2005 when my dad forced me to tell him I didn't consider him my father, he was not a father. And this for a long time but I just couldn't voice it. Then everything went haywire. Now my last symptoms that are giving me problems are work related. I think all this is linked by one thing, security. My dad, although not a good father, would always be there financially if I needed it. I think that's why I couldn't tell him to leave me alone at first. I was afraid. And now, even if I like my job, I am tired of that kind of work. Some people push my buttons. And it is now, my only financial security. I can only depend on myself now. No one else. Even if mentally I needed it and it was the best thing to do, I think my mind is still in chock. As for work, since I don't feel fulfilled anymore, I'm afraid to take the plunge and find something else. I don't think I could live off of my photography. And even if I like doing decors and wrappings, I don't think I could live off of that either. I want to try and start a sideline, but I still need to go to work in the mean time. My body doesn't seem to want to accept that. So I need another job. So this whole experience is linked, I think to security, safety. I need acceptance, love, I need a family around me. Unfortunately I don't have enough friends I can call friends, so for sure I won't consider them family. One thing I know that finally is out of my system, my illusions of the man that was my father. Even if after two letters of me telling him basically to f-off, in a nice way. And my hanging up on him after he called me a liar on the phone. He showed up last week to give me my Christmas gift. A lottery ticket and a card. Asking if I was coming over for Christmas Eve dinner. I told him no and refused his gift saying I didn't want any. He left leaving the card, with the lottery ticket inside. He dropped his head down and as he turned to leave, I think he was crying. I closed the door. Life goes on. No reaction on the part of my body or my mind. I felt ok. I finally disconnected. I finished wrapping the gifts I had gotten. I had a great time at the party with Pascal's family. They even invited me for two more dinners. I know I'm not alone, but their not my family. Right now though, I might be using some of their love and attention. I know I need it. Not that I'm using them, to me they're all my friends. I need some support. So from what I gather, one problem is solved. But the security problem remains. I'll have to work on that. This wraps up my fun year of 2006. J

Thursday Tune!?

Michael Buble

"Home" Another summer day Has come and gone away In Paris and Rome But I wanna go home Mmmmmmmm Maybe surrounded by A million people I Still feel all alone I just wanna go home Babe I miss you, you know And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you Each one a line or two “I’m fine baby, how are you?” Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough My words were cold and flat And you deserve more than that Another aeroplane Another sunny place I’m lucky I know But I wanna go home Mmmm, I’ve got to go home Let me go home 'Cause I’m just too far from where you are I wanna come home And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life It’s like I just stepped outside When everything was going right And I know just why you could not Come along with me That this is not your dream But you always believed in me Another winter day has come And gone away In even Paris and Rome And I wanna go home Let me go home And I’m surrounded by A million people I Still feel all alone Oh, let me go home Oh, I miss you, you know Let me go home I’ve had my run Baby, I’m done I gotta go home Let me go home It will all be all right I’ll be home tonight I’m coming back home

Have fun!? J

Boxing day!?

Wanna hear today's specials?! Or are you ready for the half off sale?! Have fun!? J

Look what Santa brought this morning!?

Have fun!? J

Had myself a Merry little Christmas!?

As you can see the gifts were insane!? They actually took half the living room. You name it, we had it. Unbelievable!? It took nine adults and two kids an hour and a half to open all those presents. One of mine was the big yellow one under the window. I think it was one of the bests. It's an office chair. I've been working at my desk on a kitchen chair for about a year if not more. It came from Pascal's mom. They also loved their presents. I think I really got to her boyfriend with my gift. He was freaking out. lol It's a book on singers and artists from here. It's a limited, signed and numbered copy. He freaked about the gift, she freaked about the price. lol She should talk. I had gotten a gift for everyone there. Even people I rarely see. It was great. I love giving, I love wrapping. All the decorations I gave to Pascal's brother's family since I know them, are in the tree. The meal was traditional turkey with an Italian stuffing I had never had before. Pretty good. Vegetables, mashed potatoes. She served a homemade tortellini soup, it was amazing. The taste was...wow!? All this followed by plates of cheeses and different breads and crackers. Pascal's mom had made the Christmas log, moka coffee flavored. Miam!? All in all it was a great night. The kids were quiet, I was one of, if not the hit with my treasure chest. lol Even his brother was nice this time. I guess it's because he was a bit under the weather. His dad was surprised I got him something and felt bad cause he didn't get me anything. lol I just love that!? I know it's mean, but...lol I think I got plenty, I got a chair, some gift certificates, a great meal and good company. What more can you ask for?! Ho!? No attacks!? None what so ever!? hihi What a Christmas!? Have fun!? J

Merry X'mas!?

I wish each and everyone of you the bestes of Christmases!? Even if you know this song, please make it play and just sing along!? Thank you!? Band Aid Live, Love, Laugh, Sing, Remember and Share!? And now I kiss each and everyone of you!?

Have fun!? J

Here's my tree!?

Like I told you, we couldn't put much this year, due to you know who. If you don't know who, just look at the bottom of the pic. Most of the gifts are under the tree!? Have fun!? J

Santa's elves!?

Have you been good enough?! Have fun!? J

2 more bite the dust!?

If you remember I asked you how I'd decorate this gift, well following the GREAT response I got, here is how I did it!? This is what I ended up putting in it. Not that you might care, but I was sure, from a pic in the catalogue, that it was smaller than this. A friend of mine picked it up from the store. I was expecting a chest to put on a desk. So when I saw it, I knew the dog I got was not big enough. What to do?! Get another dog to put them on each side or... The paper said 15', but I didn't see it said 15'2. So when I went back, of course they had run out of the paper I needed. So that is why you see 2 kinds of paper. It's going to a 6 year old, think she'll notice?! This is Pascal's mom gift. I forgot to take a pic before, but it was a hand held fan. She wants to buy herself a fan for her kitchen. On the back of the hand held fan is a certificate to her favorite restaurant, for 2 people. Have fun!? J

Red tips sightings!?

Funny how they all look alike!? Have fun!? J

One down!?

This is for the newspaper guy. I hope he likes it. But if he doesn't, who cares, it's 12:30 am on the 23rd and I'm tired. It's a bottle of Port wine with chocolates. Thank god the other ones are only for Monday!? Have fun!? J

Decorations and answers!?

This post is to show you some of my decorations and answer a few of Ur-Spo's questions about Cheap Christmas Trash!? This Santa has been in my family longer than I have. For some reason, it needs to be out somewhere during the season. Paint is missing from it and it's not really white anymore. This manger cost my mom 0.39$. Even if I'm not religious, to me it's part of Christmas. It needs to be there, under the tree. The paper star that was on the top, in front was eaten by one of the cats. As you can see the shepherd's legs are broken. I glued them back. Next to it is part of the first Christmas decoration I bought myself. I think I was 10. It was 3 ball/cages with fawns in each of them. Only one survived. Again it has to be under the tree every year. These are candle holders. This is for Lemuel. Today he showed us a clan of "white" people. I wanted him to see my Wisemen. I think they would fit in well over in PA. The next pictures show MY taste in decorations. These are the new Would I generation of Christmas decorations. It's the first year that I redo the decor from work. It's actually the first year that what was there is actually mine. I think it looks nice. This little guy I got on impulse. We actually got one for Pascal's mom. It's her only tree in the house. We call him little bear. He's about 3 1/2' tall. This bear I got last year. I just fell in love with it. But you gotta be careful not to squish it's plastic snowflake fur. The Santa was 75% off last year at the drug store. It looks ok but it has fiber optic in it. I don't plug it in. I'm actually debating removing the fiber. And this year, at the same store they had 2 little seals. I just had to get them. This is the tree I got yesterday for my bedroom. This is an electric chandelier that we have in the dining room. It's just a few garlands and a little snowbird. These are gifts that I'm giving Pascal's niece and nephew. How do you think I'm going to wrap them? This is a chest for toys. This is a stuffed bowling kit.(no noise) lol

Have fun!? J