Looking back!?

Like a lot of you, I decided to do a retrospect of my last year. I've been staring at my screen since last night. Not because nothing happened, but because I don't know where to start. I'll do my best not to mix everything up. Last Holiday Season marked my first Christmas "sans" family. It was the first time I did not feel the pressures of the period. I remember going to get my cake on the 24th. Stopping at a store only to find everything half off and coming out with enough stuff to wrap all the presents I might have given. On the way to the bakery I helped a lady walk the slippery sidewalks to get to her destination. I gave my full pack of cigarettes to a guy that was asking for cigarettes and change. On the way back I started realizing it was Christmas and I felt at peace. Tears started to well up in my eyes. That's when I ran into my first ex. We did some small talk and just went on our separate ways. That's when I realized he wasn't all that. I got home, put in a DVD and started my movie night. Made myself some dinner and just kicked back. The next day I made my turkey dinner and it was another peaceful night. Me and Pascal ate like pigs and watched some movies. The 28th marked my first panic attack. I stepped off the subway thinking I was going to faint. After that a few mornings were almost the same. I could feel dizziness and fever creeping in on me. But it always went away. Life just took it's normal course after that. Work was ok until that famous morning in March when everything came crashing down. Figuring it was just another episode like that of the 28th, I just went home to rest. By Wednesday night I wasn't better and went to the clinic to start my road to recovery from general panic and anxiety. I really feel like a kid that was asked to clean his room and just pushed everything in the closet. By trying to cram one more thing in there, that's when the door just gave and everything fell on me. All that's past. All I lived through and everything I tried to work through with my shrink for the last two years just invaded me. Now I've been really cleaning up, slowly but I'm doing my best to put everything in it's place. The pills are helping a lot. I just hope they're only giving me the strength to keep on straightening things and not just lifting them out of my way. I remember in the beginning having a hard time going to the pharmacy and having one doctors appointment after another. Not even being able to move comfortably in my own home. That's when I started working on pictures saved on my computer. I also started reading blogs. At first not leaving comments. Then I wanted some people to know they were being read and appreciated. That's when I created my blogger account. In June I started blogging and getting feedback from the people I left comments to. I met a lot of great people. I only met a handful that were not friendly and supportive. Like everything in life, some come and go, some stay longer and some you know have taken up residency for a while. But all have helped me with their experiences or their support. I am very grateful for all of it. I had a lot of ups and downs throughout the summer. Barely able or wanting to leave the house. All part of the road to recovery I guess. Everything I went and am going through has a purpose, I think. By the end of August I was sure I was ready to go back into the real world and start living again. I didn't think the symptoms I was still experiencing every morning would get the better of me. I have to stop here and just explain something. You tell me if it makes sense. My first, really first anxiety attack was in June 2005 when my dad forced me to tell him I didn't consider him my father, he was not a father. And this for a long time but I just couldn't voice it. Then everything went haywire. Now my last symptoms that are giving me problems are work related. I think all this is linked by one thing, security. My dad, although not a good father, would always be there financially if I needed it. I think that's why I couldn't tell him to leave me alone at first. I was afraid. And now, even if I like my job, I am tired of that kind of work. Some people push my buttons. And it is now, my only financial security. I can only depend on myself now. No one else. Even if mentally I needed it and it was the best thing to do, I think my mind is still in chock. As for work, since I don't feel fulfilled anymore, I'm afraid to take the plunge and find something else. I don't think I could live off of my photography. And even if I like doing decors and wrappings, I don't think I could live off of that either. I want to try and start a sideline, but I still need to go to work in the mean time. My body doesn't seem to want to accept that. So I need another job. So this whole experience is linked, I think to security, safety. I need acceptance, love, I need a family around me. Unfortunately I don't have enough friends I can call friends, so for sure I won't consider them family. One thing I know that finally is out of my system, my illusions of the man that was my father. Even if after two letters of me telling him basically to f-off, in a nice way. And my hanging up on him after he called me a liar on the phone. He showed up last week to give me my Christmas gift. A lottery ticket and a card. Asking if I was coming over for Christmas Eve dinner. I told him no and refused his gift saying I didn't want any. He left leaving the card, with the lottery ticket inside. He dropped his head down and as he turned to leave, I think he was crying. I closed the door. Life goes on. No reaction on the part of my body or my mind. I felt ok. I finally disconnected. I finished wrapping the gifts I had gotten. I had a great time at the party with Pascal's family. They even invited me for two more dinners. I know I'm not alone, but their not my family. Right now though, I might be using some of their love and attention. I know I need it. Not that I'm using them, to me they're all my friends. I need some support. So from what I gather, one problem is solved. But the security problem remains. I'll have to work on that. This wraps up my fun year of 2006. J