Trying to get a handle on life!?
After taking a few days off, I'm glad to be back. It was nice not to have to work on myself for a while. I did get into some trouble in the last few days. I can't get into too much details as it is not over yet. I'll keep you posted.
I still feel great. I really feel better then before I got sick. Also as you saw, I became a dad again. I just love my little NEO!?
You'll find a picture of him at the end with his bigger brother Teddy!? They all just get along great.
I am catching up on my blog reading. I'm not done yet, but I'll get there.
I was reading this guy today, and I liked what he had to say. I want to know more. But after a while I started thinking, what am I looking for?! Who am I?! Who am I suppose to be?!
I guess working on yourself and finding someone you've never met, will do that to you.
I feel like I've become someone I don't know. With all these changes taking place inside of me, I really don't know and don't understand myself anymore. Is it just the image that I had of myself that is changing, or is it ME that is changing.
I find myself more assertive. More positive. More go getter. Less shy. Less closed in. Less afraid. Less vulnerable.
I know it's all good, but I really feel out of my element. Out of myself. I'm living a life I don't know. Probably the life I was meant to live, but I feel like I'm walking into the middle of a movie.
Is it because I'm trying to go too fast?! If so, what is the right speed?! I feel like I've missed to much of the movie already. Now that I'm getting into character, I need to understand the role cause I want in, NOW!? But what is the plot?! Where is this story suppose to go?! How will it end?!
I watched a really bad movie tonight. But still it made me think. Why is life so hard?! Why do we make it so hard?!
I think I'm moving away from being happy with what I have, to looking at what I don't have. I know I shouldn't do that, but still... I feel like I've never really been looking. Like the before was not real because it wasn't ME!? I feel like I've wasted enough time.
I'm glad of what I have. I love what I have. I feel that if the ME from now had been there before or since the beginning, I'd have more. Not better, just more. I somehow feel cheated, left out in the cold.
Once you clear your head, is it wrong to be a bit longing at the past?! What you feel you missed!?Is it a step in the process?! Something we live through and then get over?!
I do feel better. More alive. Closer to the now as ever before. I know I'm not done and that I have to keep going in order to keep what I've worked for and get to the end. I know it's a slow process. I've been really working at it for the last 3 years. But most of the work happened during this summer.
I guess I should stop asking questions and try to understand the person that I've become. Keep living without searching. It's hard when you find your life, not to look for the meaning of it.
I'd like some feedback!?
What's your take on this?!
Have fun!?
J
PS
posted by Jack at 9/17/2006 12:15:00 a.m.
6 Comments:
I would say the "Sun" card fits you very well!
Trying to live nowadays according to some kind of «philosophical agenda» is no easy task. Everything that happens around you, either closer or further away plays an important role on what you're continuously becoming. You never are; you're always becoming. Therefore, you won't ever know yourself the way you'd like to. The constant changing, the dynamic process of being alive won't allow it. We count time only because it's operational that way. But the future has just arrived and will keep on arriving until our last instant in this life. I believe the constant adaptation to whatever happens to or around you is the only measure, albeit subjective, you have to evaluate how well you cope with both your life and yourself. The better you adapt, the better you feel, which doesn't necessarily mean, I guess, you are better. Maybe you are becoming better, that's all. So this also means this process goes on and on indefinitely.
A Spanish philosopher, Ortega y Gasset, once answered to that very question «who am I?» by saying «Yo soy yo y mi circunstancia» (I am myself and my circumstance). I believe this summons up what I've been trying to say. As for the natural tendency of looking back in time to find out we could have done this and that so much better if only… Well, that's only human, and we have to learn how to deal with it. I know I've lost some years in my life already. I've just thrown them into the dustbin by not living at all, by just going through the days, day after day, time after time. But I also know that has been a special period in my life. So there's no use in recriminating myself for not having lived at all. I didn't live it, maybe because it was meant for me to go through that void period in order to appreciate better what «carpe diem» truly means. But I cannot ever know it for sure. So I don't worry about it either. In spite of what many people say I don't believe we make our destiny; we certainly can influence the course of some events by the options we make, by our so called free will, but we never get to see the full, static picture that would allow us to make the choice we would think of as the right one at that given time… At any other time, even watching the full picture, our options would be different.
I hope I haven't blown into the fire. I believe some questions can be really a waste of time, but this is only an opinion, not a certainty. Not even to myself.
Btw, a person who loves kittens so dearly can only have a beautiful soul. :-)
j-
i think life is alway a balance of being and becoming. On the one hand we need a n understanding that we live in the present and we need to have a sense of contentment with who we are and what we have. But contentment should not be confused with complacency. Although we need to be grateful for today and make the most of it, we need to have a sense in our living today that we grow further in our understanding of ourselves and our world. I think a healthy sense of becoming grows naturally out of our being in the present.
You are growing, J. Let that growth and understanding of who you are and where you are headed unfold naturally out of your enjoyment and wonder at each new day, much like the petals of a flower unfold gently, quietly in the sunshine as it moves from bud to full blossom.
Give Teddy and Neo a kiss from "uncle Lemuel" and have a HUG yourself!
i think your answer is in the sunday song. right here..right now. you are awake and alive and have waited to get to this moment, have these thoughts and get the answers you get to the questions you ask. its all coming to you as planned. maybe thats a simplistic view, but i think its plotted out, just as i am here reading your blog and then leaving this comment for you to read.
Neo is sooo cute, I am sure you all will get along great. Hope you sren't still dealing with the "trouble" you got into....we are still waiting for an update...
Hope all is going well Joel, take care...
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