Saturday, September 09, 2006

Reflections!?

Brainstorming stage 2!? Now it's time to look at each of these ideas, see if they're relevant and see what is going on or not going on!? 1)Went back to work:I feel good about starting work again. Although it doesn't feel like it, I ride my bike to and from or take a cab. I take it easy, go for extra breaks sometimes to breath and relax. I'm glad to see the people again. I'm glad to be able to help our clients. But I know that a lot of what happened to me is because of work. I'm not satisfied, not happy, I don't feel fulfilled. At work is the only time I still suffer anxiety symptoms. 2)Upped my meds: This really helped me. I feel revived, like I've never felt before. I'm almost sure I needed these a long time ago. 3)Woke up. Came alive: I think thanks to the pills and also the work I've been doing on myself, have given me more confidence. Strength. 4)Lost blogger friends: I can't change anything to that. So be it!? 5)Made new blogger friends: I think since I'm changing, so are the people I meet. 6)Eva is still in the runnings for Canadian Idol: I'm happy but can't do anything about it!? 7)The Canadian white Michael Jackson is also still in the running: There is nothing I can do about it. 8)Things seem ok between me and Pascal: They are. And I'm glad. Happy. 9)I feel good: Very good. Like I've never felt before. Better then the me I knew before all this. 10)My room is still a mess: I think it's a reflection that things are in shambles in my life right now. I'm sure the better my life gets, so will the state of my room. I don't think it's nothing to worry about. 11)I don't go out with the cats during the day. In the backyard. They're allowed: As long as what I do feels good to me, that's what counts. I'm not mistreating them, just not going out. 12)Took savings to be able to live and not just survive: This was necessary to get back on track and remove most of the det I made while sick. If I have the money to fix a problem, why not fix it and get it over with? I'll make up the savings in no time and wont see the missing money as a det. Less stress. 13)Scream in my sleep. 3 times: I was never able to defend myself in my dreams. I'd try to scream when I got robbed or attacked, but nothing came out. Well I've started to be able to say something now. The first 2 times I even woke myself while screaming. The last time, I didn't even wake up. Poor Pascal, I scare him every time. Well my mind is also cleaning itself. The conscious is moving in on the unconscious and making things right. 14)Don't do the dishes regularly: This goes with # 10. 15)Still sorta drink too much: Yes I do, but it's not every day anymore. So I see improvement. So I'll be careful, but I think the more I move forward, the better I'll be about my drinking. 16)Sleep is still disturbed: I think it could also be caused by all these changes taking place in me right now. The pills could also be to blame. 17)Lived through an accident: I would always imagine an accident, you know when a car speeds up to make the orange light, and most of the time you'll get a car that can't wait for the light to turn green, so it'll move before it's time. Well since I've been taking the pills, I stopped seeing those imaginary accidents. Then, it did happen for real. I saw it. Although I did react pretty strongly to it, it didn't take me back to my old habits. 18)Started, I think, a Long Distance Relationship. Something I said I'd never do: I still don't know why this happened, but it's over now, I'm better for it. 19)Am I running away?: No, just trying to spread and get the love I never got and was never really able to give. 20)Thinking of moving out of town: Not now. Maybe later, but somewhere here in Québec. 21)See trucks from ex dad's Co. and don't even think twice about it: I used to get a chilling sensation, now I just know I know that company. 22)Still smiling every morning: I'm sure this is related to being the me that I never got to be. I like it. 23)Get anxiety only when I go in to work: Goes with # 1. 24)Still bored, unchallenged at work: Probably time to move on, but I would like to do something else. 25)Same F*ing problems at work: I tried, others tried. There is just nothing to be done about them. So be it and move on. 26)Love some peeps at work still hate others: Just like real life. I can be civil when needed. 27)Want to talk to 2 specific friends but they're not available: One of them is my best friend Sandra. We sorta drifted apart on and off over the years, but we always found each other. I don't feel we're as close as we used to be, and I accept that. Now that she has a baby, it's a bit more difficult, I understand that. She did prove to me the other day that she is still there for me. Although I declined her offer, It meant a lot to me that she did not even hesitate and offered to help. We might not be as close, but I know we are still there for one another. The other person is a new friend. He would be in my family love category from my post, How many ways can I say I love you. I feel calm and at peace with him. I feel like I'm learning when I'm with him. He's the first person that even though we are together, I can still have some alone time. I've never been with someone that I feel this comfortable with. I know I bug him when I ask for us to get together, but I think he still appreciates it in the end. I hope. 28)I do feel better: Like I said, I feel like I've never felt before. Thanks to the work I'm doing on myself, the medication, the people in my life right now. And the people that are no longer in my life right now. So as you can see, I've looked at most aspects of what happened in the last 3 weeks. I detailed them but won't ponder more on them. It was just a check up. Things are moving along great, I'll let them take me where I need to go. Have fun!? J

4 Comments:

Blogger RIC said...

Man, this is quite impressive. Not for its extent, of course, but for the differences it shows as to Joel's posts I used to read weeks ago.
I believe you're now stepping on solid ground. Your evaluation is thorough, without auto-analysing excesses. What else can I say? Well, I'm happy for you! :-)

9/09/2006 11:18:00 p.m.  
Blogger A Bear in the Woods said...

A lot of good things are coming together in your life. I'm glad for you, you've been through a lot.You deserve some good times.
You really do.

9/10/2006 04:14:00 a.m.  
Blogger Lemuel said...

it's a good list, j. seems pretty comprehensive and i hope the message came through - step by step you are moving forward.

HUGS always to you, J!

9/10/2006 01:12:00 p.m.  
Blogger Gray said...

Excellent, Joel! Keep it up!!

9/12/2006 01:49:00 a.m.  

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