Thursday, August 31, 2006

Beautiful day!?

Beautiful Day - U2?!
Have fun!? J

New day!?

Good morning!? Good afternoon!? And in case I don't see you, have a good night!? I'm feeling really good this morning!? I woke up thinking how good being sick was for me. I'm serious!? Yes I'm doing a little follow up on yesterday's post, but I'm glad it keeps affecting me!? The first thing that came to mind this morning was how this sick leave was really what I needed. What I had wanted for a long time!? I've wanted to take a break for a while now. Well I did. The fact that I was sick might not have been my first choice of vacation, but I'll get back to that later. So I've wanted/needed a break, I got it!? I wanted time to myself, I got it!? I really needed time to rest, I got that!? I needed time to clear my head, it's clearer!? I wanted to make new friends, I made some!? So the sickness made me slow down. It also gave me peace and rest. It made me do the things I've always said I wanted to do, ok it forced me!? I needed to slow down for a long time. I've wanted to take better care of myself, well I'm now eating better. I'm also eating breakfast now. I've wanted to exercise, well it made me buy the bike I've wanted for so long. And I use it practically every day. Ok, lets not count the 3 week depression. But I'll get back to that. It allowed me to read blogs and to start my own. This is really good for me. I've learned so much from myself and from you guys. I really feel like I'm growing, I'm maturing. I was always asking myself how I would nurture my inner child, well you guys have been a great help. Thank you to each and everyone of you!? It allowed me and Pascal to talk some. And now our friendship is better for it. It gave me time to take a few pictures, and now some of them are and will be printed to hang around the house. It actually gave me back my creativity!? It showed me I am not alone. Even if when I was depressed, I felt like it. In the end, I'm glad I wasn't. It allowed me to come to peace with some of the big decisions I made, I'll have to finish part 2 of Do And Die!? It made me drink, and do careless things. I said careless, not dangerous. From that I see that it's not the answer. It's not the way. Sometimes the best way to learn is just to live it yourself, well I did. And I'm better for it!? It also made me understand, it's not what you want that matters the most, it's what you have. I'm very happy and glad of what I have. It gave me back a taste for living again. Not that I wanted to quit, but I had stopped. It opened my eyes!? It showed me that there is still good in this world. We just have to know where to look. It's all around us. In the people that just walk by to the spectacular scenery that nature, even if it's hurting, still gives us. I've been up for three hours now and I'm still smiling. Even thinking about the bad moments. My panic attacks. My anxiety from the last two weeks. The bike ride me and Torn took. The places that an American showed me, in my own city!? I had to laugh at that one. So many things have changed since March, it's almost a make over. My hand writing changed. My expressing myself changed. Does that mean I'm less direct?! No?! But maybe nicer in the way that I speak my mind!? I've been writing like never before. I've been reading like never before. I'm less afraid of so many things, I'm really less stressed. Does this mean I'm cured, no!? But I really think I'm on my way!? And I'll accept what ever happens. I'll evaluate it and take what I need from it!? So I got all that and got paid too!? Boy I love Christmas!? I'm sure the people that really know me will either say "it's about time, or did you fall on your head? Were you abducted by aliens? Ok, where's the real Joel?" I guess the vale just lifted. I can see clearly now!? So smile!? Be happy!? Have fun!? J PS Since this morning, I'm as good looking as this guy!? If not better!? Now if I can just find a way to take him home!? lol

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I'll remember!?

Play and read!? Thanks to my friend Mikey for getting me out of my funk today!? His blog today talks about gratitude and perspective!? It's easy for one to lose himself in all the negativity surrounding us. Why do we let it get to us. But the funny thing is, if a friend of mine were in my shoes, I'd be able to show him another perspective. I would be able to show that friend what he could look forward to. I guess I could start treating myself differently, like a friend. I guess it's all in the ability to stop, step out and look around. Life is not a hole and we shouldn't take our worries for deeper ones. From now on, I'll look at life as a road with curves, bumps and branches. Sometimes you have three lanes to move in. Sometimes the path is so narrow that you can't help but get scratches. At least, you keep moving forward. You might have to slow down sometimes, but even in traffic you move forward. And there is always the shoulder you can stop on to rest, ask for help or just look at the landscape, smell the roses. So again thanks Mikey. I'll remember the friends in my life right now!? I'll remember the ones that came and went. Same goes for virtual friends. Let's just say it was good while it lasted. I'm glad of what I have, that I can afford it. I'm glad of what I've lost, I was able to enjoy it while I had it. I'm glad I'm getting my health back, I'll make sure to take better care of it. I'm glad I can read and write this, and the computer I'm typing on. I'm really glad for this blog. It made me learn, grow, feel and come out of my shell. I met so many interesting people here. And I'm sure I'll meet more!?
So in the end, I guess I'm thankful for all that is, was and will be in my life. But I'm most thankful for myself!? Thanks to all!? I'll remember!? J


Press play, listen for a bit then read!? I think we can safely say it's official!? For the last 2 weeks, a storm has been disturbing the blog world!? And hurricane Blogger has hit different parts of our world!? The first and biggest hit was the loss of Mark!? We were all deeply affected by it!? I've never seen such an outpour of love and emotions in my life!? Then to my surprise, bloggers started disappearing left and right!? I think I know 5 people that stopped blogging!? I know one was thinking, might still be, of also quitting!? A lot of you now post erratically!? Some say they're still alive after a few weeks and then vanish again for a few more!? I know of 2 or 3 that started blogging again!? Also in the last week I've lost 3 possibly 8 blogger friends!? Another friend of mine seems in need!? Is it just me?! Or is there something really funny in the air?! I'm really trying to understand?! I'm afraid I can't!? These people were good men!? Good friends!? They proved to me they had a head on their shoulders!? Could I have been wrong on so many of them?! Can't be!? What is the Blogger world coming too?! And here I thought we might all be a part of this!? J

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Throw Mama from the bridge!?

Press play and then read!? Thank you!?
For some reason this memory haunts me tonight!? I figure if I get up and write it down it might let me sleep. As far back as I can remember, my mom always told me what she wanted in the end. Her last wishes. She wanted to be cremated and her ashes thrown from the Quebec bridge. The subject came up from time to time. It wasn't morbid or sad, it just came up. A bit before I had to deal with this she kept telling me not to do it. I could go to jail. I told her if her wish was to cross the Quebec bridge one last time and that I tripped and dropped her over, it was just an accident. Well when she died in July 1991, I wasn't ready to let go. I kept the ashes on the top shelf of my bookcase with her picture. People would come over and ask me what that wooden box was. I'd look and tell them "that's my mom" and kept doing what I was doing. Some got freaked out, some understood. I was not keeping her, I just wasn't ready. What was I suppose to do, keep her in the closet? I was already living in it!? So by May of the following year, my friend Sandra offered to drive me down. I didn't have a car back then. So we three got into the car and drove to Quebec city. It's a two hour drive from Montreal. I remember we came from the north side of the river. The highway was going up, and then the image of the bridge appeared just as "Don't cry" from Guns and Roses started playing on the radio. I got tears in my eyes. We drove to a parking lot next to the bridge. We made our way to the middle of the bridge. I took out a screwdriver and opened the box. I let the screws and bottom fall down the bridge. I was stunned to see ashes in a plastic baggy with a white tie wrap. I pulled the bag out and let the box drop. It came within three feet of a guy that was windsurfing. I opened the bag and let the ashes fly. At first, they just came out like sand. But then the wind blew and this cloud of dust just blew up and dissipated like fireworks. I cried so hard. This was really goodbye!? Sadness stayed until we got off the bridge. We spent the rest of the day in Old Quebec and had fun!? We even got arrested by two women cause we were laughing to much. We had to pay a dollar each and got a little sticker. They were collecting for a fundraiser. I've put two different pics of the bridge, (no I didn't take them) and a song I'll always remember!? This is how I live this moment every time!?

Monday, August 28, 2006

How many ways...Thank you!?

I didn't expect all the attention my post on
"How many ways to say I love you!?"
I really appreciate all the kind words!?
All the shared stories and experiences. I've never gotten so many e-mails. I'm happy to be here with all of you!? I'm happy to consider you my family, my friends!? I'm also glad of the new friends that e-mailed me!? Funny how when one opens up,
others will appreciate it,
live through it and not feel alone!? Again guys,
old and new friends,
J your basket case!?

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Why is this so hard?!

"Fairground-Simply Red" Driving down an endless road Taking friends or moving alone Pleasure at the fairground on the way It's always friends that feel so good Let's make amends like all good men should Pleasure at the fairground on the way Walk around, be free and roam There's always someone leaving alone Pleasure at the fairground on the way And I love the thought of coming home to you Even if I know we can't make it I love the thought of giving hope to you Just a little ray of light shining through Love can bend and breathe alone Until the end it finds you a home Don't care what the people may say It's always friends that feel so good Let's make amends like all good men should Pleasure at the fairground on the way And I love the thought of coming home to you Even if I know we can't make it I love the thought of giving hope to you Just a little ray of light shining through Fairground - Simply Red J

Sunday Song!?

Matchbox 20
"Bent" If I fall along the way Pick me up and dust me off And if I get too tired to make it Be my breath so I can walk If I need some other lovin Give me more than I can stand And when my smile gets old and faded Wait around I'll smile again Shouldn't be so complicated Just hold me and then Just hold me again Can't you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together Keep breaking me in And this is how we will end With you and me bent If I couldn't sleep could you sleep Could you paint me better off Could you sympathize with my needs I know you think I need a lot I started out clean but I'm jaded Just phoning it in Just breaking the skin Can't you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together Keep breaking me in And this is how we will end With you and me bent Start bending me It's never enough Till I feel all your pieces Start bending me Keep bending me Until I'm completely broken in Shouldn't be so complicated Just touch me and then Just touch me again Can't you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together Keep breaking me in And this is how we will end With you and me bent Without understanding Hell I go there again Can't you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together Yeah you're breaking me in And this is how we will end With you and me bent Bent

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Week-end Wall III !? me,me,me,me and a cat!?

I've seen a few bloggers do this,
so I decided to humiliate myself along with them!?
Have fun!?
1 day old!? My first Easter!? 3 years old, and not a happy camper!? My fouth birthday!? Look at my cousin on the left!? lol 1993!? 1994!?


And for you cat lovers!?

This was Rusty after his bath!?


Friday, August 25, 2006

How many ways can you say I love you?!

As some of you may remember, I started this blog as a journal to try to clear my head!? To try and grow. Get to know myself better and also in the hopes of helping others and make friends. Well parts of it are working!? I find the more I write, the more I get to know myself!? I think my past as helped others, like theirs helped me. I did make new friends from all over. There is one aspect of this blog that unfortunately doesn't seem to move ahead!? I still feel young, very young. I did not expect things to change over night, but I was hoping that the kid in me would have grown a few years. But I don't think it's the case!? See, through all the people that I have met on blogger, I've met some with whom once you've electronically stroked their supposedly big ego, they roll over and fall asleep. You barely hear from them after. Just like a one night that you run into at the bars. Either you just nod a hello, or hope the other didn't see you. As you can see some parts of me aren't that naïve!? There are those where you get to know a bit more. Those, you talk a bit, some personal information is exchanged. You feel like these are friends and then the talk always turns a bit raunchy, but you still keep in touch and the raunch keeps going. It's like a f**k buddy that you can talk too after sex!? And you know that you will keep on seeing this guy until one of you meets Mr. Right!? Then you'll still be friends, but won't sleep together. Then you have your more serious kind of friends. The kind that you can tell them anything and everything and they will always be there. You get so comfortable with these people that phone numbers are exchanged, addresses and you even get to meet some of them. Well this is where my naïve me has problems. Even if right now I'm talking about the blog, it's the same thing in real life!? I always stick my foot in it!? If you remember, when I was younger I had people of my own age in my life that used to call me names. So in a way I can't really call them friends. At school it was the same thing. At home, my mother was an alcoholic and my dad was in his rocking chair. So without any real outlet I just did what I knew to do. I turned inward and just lived by myself for myself. My friends were my pets. Pathetic, I know!? So when that kid was asked to grow up and take adult responsibilities, he did what he had to do. Now since life is more favorable. Since it's more comfortable, that kid knows it can now come out and play. At least that's what he wants to do. He wants to claim what he never got. What he feels life as stolen from him!? I don't know if you believe this psychology, the inner child, the way you were treated as a child affects how you live your life!? I do!? I'm living proof!? That kid in me is looking for friends, family, brothers and sisters, love and affection. I know it's hard to believe that a grown man would act like a child when it comes to this, but it's true, it's me!? I've felt so alone for so long, that now I'm looking for love, all kinds of love. So when I meet people with whom I'm really comfortable with, I get this sense of security from them and I just fall for them. Not fall as "in love". I do and want to love them. But each, to me ends up with a different role. I don't know if this makes sense, but in my head it does. That kid is looking for acceptance!? Warmth!? Compassion!? If you knew how many people I have scared away by telling them I love them. Even if I tried to explain to them how I meant it, I just never saw them again. Either they think I'm lying and think I'm really in love with them. Or they sorta believe it and take me for a basket case!? It's been 4 hours since I wrote this. I just came from my therapist. I told him about my week and about my blog. Especially this post. He disagrees with me. It wouldn't be the first time. He finds me unbelievably mature. He tells me it's because I know so much what I want and need, that it scares people cause a lot of the time, they need the same but don't know it. So he says I'm not naïve, just too simple for the people I meet. To me, it's black or white, simple. But to a lot of people, it's not!? You know, I think I've just grown!? God was it worth 85$!? So tell me readers and friends, do you sometimes feel the same way?! do you think I'm a basket case?! do you love me or...?! Waiting for your answers!? J, a bit more mature!? PS: I love you!? LOL

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Hey ya!?

"Shake it, shake it like a Polaroid Picture, shake it, shake it" - OutKast Yes guys if I had taken pictures today they would have looked like that!? I hardly slept last night. Woke up feeling heavy. Had breakfast, did everything and then left on my bike. I was zoning out on my bike. I got to work and started feeling weak. I had to sit for about 10 minutes once I got inside because I was having symptoms of anxiety. I went up to my desk. It took me about half an hour to be able to get back up and change into my work clothes. When I came back, I still had a bit of panic, and the shakes. I couldn't write. I couldn't even read my screen. At 10 I told my boss I was going home. I couldn't do anything. I tried to calm myself down, it did work to a degree, but the shakes were really bad. I put my bike into a cab and left. I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I had lunch and then went back to bed. I finally fell asleep around 12:30. I slept till 3. I woke up feeling like I had a cold. I think my throat infection is finally moving out. Remember my visit to Dr Ping Pong? Well it's the same infection. My Dr on Monday gave me another kind of antibiotics and they seem to work. Was I just week because of my infection?! Was my reaction mixed and I'm just suffering from a cold. Or was a second day too fast?! My boss thinks I'm not ready!? Pascal doesn't think so either!? I got feedback from people at work saying that I looked good on Tuesday, but that today I looked green!? I'm seeing my shrink tomorrow, I'll discuss it with him, but I'd like to give it another try. My next day should be Wednesday!? I'll see what he thinks. Because for sure I'll have good and bad days, and it will only get better if I avoid rewarding my mind by not going or leaving. As I'm writing this, the shaking is starting again. So get up and "shake it like a polaroid picture!?" Outkast - Hey Ya Or maybe I could prepare you a drink?! Martini anyone?! lol Have fun!? J

Hey guys!?

I'm back home, it's not going so well right now!? I'll try to post later!? J

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

My real first day!?

First I'd like to thank every body for the encouraging and thoughtful words. They made me feel good!? Thank you!?
My first day!?
My first day throught my eyes!? I did get up with the sound of the alarm, but I guess I should start the night before. Since I still have sleeping problems, I'm suppose to take sleeping pills. So I took my pill at 9:30, went to bed at 10:00. By 11:45 I was still not sleeping. Just goes to show you how nervous I was. So I got up, I didn't even have any problems walking. The pill really didn't work. I stayed up till 12:30. Then I fell asleep. I woke up at 4:30 and never went back to sleep. I grabbed a coffee, read some blogs, shaved, showered but I still couldn't find any of the studs from my dream day!? lol I had a huge breakfast. Got dressed. Packed my lunch and put my working clothes in my backpack. I jumped on my trusty steed, my bike!? Yes I rode to work. I wanted to leave the house at 7:00, but ended up leaving at 7:20. The ride down was great, I found a bike path that takes me through quiet streets, parks, I only had about 5 minutes of morning traffic to deal with. I got to the office at 7:50. Once the bike was locked, I sat down to relax. Then, the shakes started. So I breathed deeply. Told myself some positive words, and then I got myslinky legs up to the office!? When I walked in, the girl that opens in the morning saw me and just screamed and came to give me a hug. She said I looked good, calm. If she only knew how much I was shaking inside. lol I said a few hellos, but people were acting as if I had seen them the day before. When I got to my desk, it had been cleaned by the girl that was using it while I wasn't there. I dropped my bag and went around to see other coworkers. They did not say a word. My boss saw me, she was happy to see me. She gave me a hug and we chatted a little. I went back to my desk, put back my stuff. Opened the computer. She came by to give me my passwords. As each application opened, I just went in as if I had done it all summer. I was surprised and happy. My boss came to see me and asked if we could talk right away since she had a meeting at 9. Yes my first meeting was about a raise. lol I wasn't there when I was suppose to get it in June. BTW my real boss is also on sick leave. She left about a month before me, we think suffering the same thing as me. But I think depression hit her harder then me. So this new and improved boss is very nice. She told me not to stress, to take my time. If I need extra breaks or something just to let her know. So I went around the office, a bitlight headed . Everything was moving, but not at the same speed. I stopped by our director's office. She was pretty happy to see me. Told me also to take my time and just start when I'm ready. I went back to my desk still with my slinky legs and started reading e-mails. The rest of the people came in, again, some said hi and others didn't even acknowledged my being there. I went on break alone at 10. I smoked a cigarette and went to check my bike. The rest of the morning was uneventful. My boss did take me for coffee. Saying I should take it easy. lol I love her. I ate my lunch outside, and a friend I haven't seen in 2 years walks up to me. He's working in the office building next door. So a few of my dream day came true. lol I sat in with a guy on my team that started a bit after me about 5 years ago. Every time he would put the client on hold to go get an answer, I gave it to him. I was so surprised, it just all came back. (even as I'm writing this I don't remember a thing, but in the office, I knew it) So half an hour before I left I got on the phone and answered a few calls. Treated some faxed in requests. It went as smooth as a baby's butt!? I even got a lunch date for next week. Some clients have been asking for me, I called them to let them know I'd be back full time by the end of September. Actually the whole afternoon was smooth. I rode my bike back home and was happy as a clam!? Pascal even told me I seem to already be back into it and already taking some things to much to heart!? He may be right. I gotta slow down. I read blogs but did not skype due to a misunderstanding over some caring words I told a great friend. (I see the naïve in me right now) We should catch up tonight. I can't wait.

The naïve is out to lunch!?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

My first day!?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then here is my day in twenty thousand words!?
My day will start with the wonderful sound of my alarm clock!? A cup of coffee to wake up and start the day!? Then I'll hit the shower!? Will have to shave the gruff look to be more presentable!? I'll have to iron my shirt!? Once at work, I'll fix my desk and check some e-mails!? The boss will wanna see me!? The first coffee break will be full of surprises, I'm sure!? Of course I'll have a lot of catching up to do with old coworkers!? I'll introduce myself to the new guys and let them know they can count on me for anything!? Lunch will be shared with a friend!? My first meeting should be about a raise!? I'll take my afternoon break with another coworker!? We will probably have a big meeting before going home!? I'm going to take some time to relax after work!? A friend invited me over for dinner!? Unless I fall asleep!? Then I'll get myself one last coffee!? I'll probably phone a few friends!? And Finally, I'll read some blogs and Skype before bed!? Wouldn't it be a great day?! I wish you a day as good as mine!? J

Monday, August 21, 2006

Sunday of a 5 month long week!?

Tomorrow in an office near you!?
Today is the last day of my sick leave!? I have to tell you, I'm a bit nervous!? I haven't worked since March 27th!? Pascal asked me if I was ready, I don't know!? He asked if I remembered anything, no!? I'm going to see the doctor around noon, and if he says I'm good to go, I'm going back to work tomorrow!? I know depression hit me pretty hard for the last 3 weeks!? But the bike ride on Wednesday sorta kicked me out of my blues!? I think a regular schedule will do me good!? At worst, I'll let my doctor know. But me and my therapist are confidant that it should help. I'll feel needed. I'll feel like I'm worth something. I'll be doing something good. I'll be helping people!? Granted, my first days will be slow, I'll be working 2 days this week. Tuesday and Thursday, from 8 to 4:30!? I'll have to empty my e-mails!? Catch up on new people. Catch up on new services. Get reacquainted with our programs. And I should be working with a friend for a day!? This will be weird, because I was 3rd on my team. We have the coordinator, her assistant and me. All the newbies would come to me and ask questions!? Now I'll be the newbie. I'm also a little freaked at the fact that everybody will be asking me what I had. They will want details. They will tell me they know someone who had what I have and died!? They'll be wasting my time and theirs!? I am really nervous!? It will be a hard week for me!?

Maybe if I take something and my coworkers can look like this, I'd be fine!?


Sunday, August 20, 2006

The fall of one of ours!?

The Blogs are in mourning over the loss of one of our own!? "Marc passed away today at 2:45 PM. He was conscious....smiling.....and....brave"!? Thank you Joshua!?
Please read in silence in his memory!?
Thank you!?
Piece Of It All{ Jann Arden }
right now somebody loves you
right now somebody dreams about you
right now somebody needs you
right now somebody's proud of you
proud of you
right now somebody's calling your name
right now somebody's hoping your well
right now somebody's feeling your shame
right now somebody cares if you live
right now somebody hears you
right now somebody knows who you are
right now someone is praying for you
right now someone believes in your heart
right now somebody wants to be your friend
right now somebody's thinking about you
right now someone is wondering where you are
right now you are a piece of it all
a piece of it all
a piece of it all
you are a piece of it all

Sunday Song!?

Robbie Williams
"Feel" Come and hold my hand I wanna contact the living Not sure I understand This role I've been given I sit and talk to God And he just laughs at my plans My head speaks a language I don't understand I just wanna feel Real love feel the home that I live in Cos I got too much life Running through my veins Going to waste I don't wanna die But I ain't keen on living either Before I fall in love I'm preparing to leave her Scare myself to death That's why I keep on running Before I've arrived I can see myself coming I just wanna feel Real love feel the home that I live in Cos I got too much life Running through my veins Going to waste And I need to feel Real love and the love ever after I can not get enough I just wanna feel Real love feel the home that I live in I got too much love Running through my veins To go to waste I just wanna feel Real love and the love ever after There's a hole in my soul You can see it in my face It's a real big place Come and hold my hand I wanna contact the living Not sure I understand This role I've been given Not sure I understand Not sure I understand Feel

Friday, August 18, 2006

What I want to do when I grow up!?

Ok guys, I've had it!? I'm sick of what is going on everywhere!? I've talked about it and some of you seem ready to help!? I was told by one of you that too many people talk about it but don't do anything!? Well she's right!? I've been thinking about it for almost 20 years!? I am afraid of the size and magnitude of what I want to accomplish!? I just don't know where to start!? Maybe I felt to young?! Maybe I didn't feel ready?! I think this wake up call showed me I need to do more with my life!? I think now is the time!? I'm as ready as I'll ever be!? Ok, here is my plan, I would like to open a shelter for homeless people to get back on their feet and back into this world. I know not all of them need or want help, but I would be there for those who need help, who will accept my help and those who are willing to help themselves. I want to have some kind of resume that people would fill out. I'd ask if they have any education. If they have any skills. I'd help get these people back on the job market if that is what they want. I'd help younger ones go back to school or learn a trade. I'd try to start a construction company with some of these people. The company could work for the shelter. The income generated would go back into the shelter. I'd try to find knowledgeable people to open a day care for single parents living at the shelter. Depending on the experiences, I would open a business that would regroup the most people. I would ask for a certain amount, small one, from those working as rent for their room and board. I would reinvest that money into the shelter. I would not charge students if they have passing grades. I would offer courses in computers and languages to help with the basic skills. I'd get clothes for people going back to work, school. I'd try to get in house psychiatrists, doctors and nurses. I'd try to get any position that could be filled by these people first. Cooks, cleaning staff, electricians, plumbers, security guards, gardeners... Once all this is up and running, I'd get a farm outside of town. I'd get the construction crew to fix up the place. Small separate cabins or an inn would be built. There we could give vacations to these people at no charge. This place would also be to help abandoned and sick animals. I'd get the University to bring in students to treat the animals. I'd sell the ones that are ok at the auction, keep the old and the sick. None would be killed, unless there is nothing to be done and the vet says it would be best for the animal. Fruits and vegetables could be grown. For the Inn and the shelter. A pond for people to swim in. Swings for kids, bikes and games. A mini farm for the kids to lend a hand. I'd also offer the place to poor city families to come for a free or really cheap vacation. They could also participate in the caring of the animals. So as you can see, I have very big plans. I feel like I'd be building a small community. All this I'd like to do without the help of the governments. Unless you can tell me of a way they can help without having a hold on the project, I'm all ears!? I don't want them to own any of this. If there is anyway you could help, how to proceed, where to start, legal advice anything. I would really appreciate it. Here is the building that I would like to use. Now all I need is for the city to give it to me. Get repairs and materials for free and get started. J