If I could, would I be straight?

Hello every one! I was asked this question in one of my earlier posts by Jay: "Wait. Really? You wouldn't change a thing? If you could, would you be straight? I'm not doubting you, I am just trying to work this stuff out for myself, as well. It just seems a hell of a lot easier to be straight. And I know this sounds bad, but, hell, if I could, I probably would be straight." I've been thinking of this question since it was asked. Not because I'm not sure, I just want the answer to come out right. I don't just want to answer with one word, because I think if it's expressed well, maybe more people will understand. To be honest, this question never even crossed my mind in all my 37 years. Like I said in the other post, I couldn't understand how the outside world saw IT before I did. It was that that confused me. But that IT was just part of me. Like, I think most of you, I had little crushes when I was younger, first kiss/peck on the mouth at 5 to a female classmate of mine. My first GF at 6, we would hold hands on the school playground. Then at camp, 9 or 10 years old, I asked a friend of mine who had just broken off with a moron, if I could kiss her. She said yes. I went in open mouthed and she came in with pursed lips. lol She then told me I kissed like the aforementioned ex. lol It's right after that that I started looking at guys. Not because of the kiss, I guess puberty kicked in. I started sneaking peeks here and there at guys. Finding a Playgirl that was missed placed on the shelf at the newsstand. Guys on TV were the best because it was easier to watch. Why did I sneak peeks? Because I knew I was different. Because I was entering the unknown alone. I was not told about this side of sexuality. Did I feel lost? No. Confused? To a certain degree yes. Not because I was questioning my preference, but because I didn't know what to do. Since it wasn't talked about, I didn't know if it was ok. Was I alone? I knew I wasn't, but at that age, you don't know how to go about it. So for a while you feel/are alone. Like I mentioned, in high school people were mean and it ended up alienating me. I just figured it was best for me to be as invisible as possible. I never lingered after school. Never asked anything of anybody. After high school society left me alone. From time to time some airheads would bug me on the street, but besides that I started relaxing. I lived, a loveless life, and let lived. One night my mom grabbed my arm as I was leaving for my night class. She was drunk and told me "I know what you're hiding under your bed" I told her now was not the time as I was late for an exam and she was drunk. We will discuss this another time. Once in class, all I could see were blank pages. I was thinking, my preference is known. My privacy violated. We never did talk about it after. I then met my best friend Sandra. It's funny because for the first month I didn't like her at all. We talked about that and we laugh about it now. But after that month and a pretty big event in my family life, we started hangin' out together. We were inseparable. We worked together, spent 5 nights a week together. She would keep Thursday nights for her BF. He would sometimes come out with us on Saturday. And she kept Sundays for school work, we usually spent more then half the day on the phone and then go out for some great alternative music in a gay club. I knew who I was, but never told a soul. One night we ended up sleeping in the same bed. The next day we both said, if you had I would have. I knew that if we had done something it was never going to be right/enough. I knew it would have taken our friendship to a higher level, an even closer level. But we didn't. It's ok. I love you Sandra. When I came out at 26, it was not to make me accept me, it was me saying to myself, stop caring what other people think. If they like me they like me. If not, it's ok, like men, their are plenty of fishes in the sea. They won't be my friend, I'll find others who will. I never struggled with myself. Why? Because that is how I am made, how my circuitry is. I guess also because I was never told that being gay was wrong, I was just never told. I've been seeing a therapist for the last 2 years, he was sure I was coming to him regarding my homosexuality. He was surprised that I wasn't. After a few months, he told me he knew I was comfortable with who I am. My reason for seeing him are family matters. So in the end, If I could, would I be straight? No! This is how I was made. This is who I am. I love men. Would I change a thing? I think SIX said it best: "I'd just want to be "me" sooner." Thank you Jay for your question. I hope it clears it out for you and others. If you have more questions, don't hesitate. That goes for anyone. You my great readers, if you could, would you be straight? J