Same but different, update #2 !?
Well I'm on my second pack of cigarettes since seven last night. Just goes to show you.
I just came back from my shrink's office. He helped me understand and calm down, a bit. He showed me that my reaction is normal. A bit weak do to my condition, but normal. Here I am, little me, faced with a problem that puts me in the same boat as others. MONEY!
That's all it is.
As for my doctor, like my shrink said, maybe he's having a bad day. I told him "at eight in the morning?" He laughed. I told him I know it's not nice, but I do wish I am the least of his problems today. He laughed again.
Now on to better things, ME!
I asked him why I feel like what I'm thinking and how I'm reacting are not coordinated, not the same. He told me that the medication will help certain aspects of me, but not all of them. If it did, I wouldn't feel a thing. I'd be stone, in another world.
The fact that I wanted to tell them that I understand my mistake and that I've "dealt" with myself is a good sign. The fact that I have to fight off an attack, in my condition, is normal.
I feel like parts of me are almost a hundred percent better but others are still lagging behind. I don't feel like what I see in the mirror. To make a long story short, my circuits are re-wiring themselves. So my old me is learning my new me, my new ways.
My reaction to the two doctors shows him I'm still me and that more of us should react like me. We should not settle. The fact that I can't believe what these two doctors are putting me through is evidence to him that I'm doing good, better.
The naïve is coming back.
(I can't tell you how good this makes me feel!?)
I asked him if there was something that maybe I was not doing to get better. Due to the fact that parts of me are doing so much better.
He told me I'm doing just fine. What exactly is still wrong, we don't know. But I am making progress.
Like he said, "you might not feel like what you see, but realize that what is stronger in you will support and help you get through the rest."
How can you not feel better after that?
So imagine, I'm not the same guy as last year. I feel I've grown, matured. Still not there yet, but... And on top of that, I don't feel like what I see of me right now.
Confused enough?!
Have fun!?
J
Now on to better things, ME!
I asked him why I feel like what I'm thinking and how I'm reacting are not coordinated, not the same. He told me that the medication will help certain aspects of me, but not all of them. If it did, I wouldn't feel a thing. I'd be stone, in another world.
The fact that I wanted to tell them that I understand my mistake and that I've "dealt" with myself is a good sign. The fact that I have to fight off an attack, in my condition, is normal.
I feel like parts of me are almost a hundred percent better but others are still lagging behind. I don't feel like what I see in the mirror. To make a long story short, my circuits are re-wiring themselves. So my old me is learning my new me, my new ways.
My reaction to the two doctors shows him I'm still me and that more of us should react like me. We should not settle. The fact that I can't believe what these two doctors are putting me through is evidence to him that I'm doing good, better.
The naïve is coming back.
(I can't tell you how good this makes me feel!?)
I asked him if there was something that maybe I was not doing to get better. Due to the fact that parts of me are doing so much better.
He told me I'm doing just fine. What exactly is still wrong, we don't know. But I am making progress.
Like he said, "you might not feel like what you see, but realize that what is stronger in you will support and help you get through the rest."
How can you not feel better after that?
So imagine, I'm not the same guy as last year. I feel I've grown, matured. Still not there yet, but... And on top of that, I don't feel like what I see of me right now.
Confused enough?!
Have fun!?
J
posted by Jack at 12/05/2006 03:44:00 p.m.
4 Comments:
I read both your posts. I think the key for your to remember is "I'm not the same guy as last year. I feel I've grown, matured. Still not there yet, but..."
Maybe print that phrase and paste it somewhere where you see it. You ARE moving forward. In just the few months I've known you, I can see some progress. There will be steps back, but the major momentum is forward. That is good!
As for the docs and the crap they gave you, I'm not totally surprised. There are great ones and then... Don't let them get you down.
HUGS
One of the things I expected drugs to do for me is to fix all my psychological issues. Obviously I was wrong. As several therapists have told me, the drugs help stabilize me enough so I can work on my issues.
You mentioned your circuits are rewiring themselves, but that isn't an automatic process. You are taking action to rewire your circuits. Active instead of passive.
And like Lemuel said, the overall progress is forward. A bad day here and there is impossible to avoid (something I need to remember sometimes).
*hugs*
Joel, I left an update for you on the previous post. Love yourself! You can and will be healed in ways that you cannot imagine.
Looking at the pics you put up, these thoughts arise... the 2 guys in the mirror are equally attractive (as are the old and new ‘you’, I’m sure); admittedly, they look a little different, and one does wonder, "Are they the same?". Only you know... are they both you? Hmm.... don't lose yourself while you're busy finding yourself... (that sounds so cliched!)
By the way, these are really great pics .... (so much so that I saved them - hope you don't mind..!)
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