Security breach in engineering! - RED ALERT !?

My doctor found it hard to prescribe medication to me. I react to what he prescribes, but not well enough. He wanted to be sure about my condition. He knows I hate pills and didn't want to give me different ones until we found the right one. So I went to see a psychiatrist yesterday. It's a good thing I went. First, my doctor gave me medication to help me out. It was slowly getting me back on my feet, but then I started showing signs of depression. He gave me a second pill to "give me a boost" he said. Well that pill, it turns out, creates anxiety. Second, with the psychiatrist, we dissected my big attack from March and a big part of the rest of my life. And we found it. I don't have general anxiety. I do suffer from panic attacks and anxiety, but by treating these 2 I created ... You see, there are women, evil women in my head. Since they just moved in and haven't signed a lease yet, I should be able to get rid of them very quickly. These women are the Phobia sisters. Phobia sister #1: I'm afraid to take the subway. I've been taking the subway all my life. I take it twice a day to go to work. Been doing so for 20 years now. So I have to re-adapt my mind to ride the subway again. Phobia sister #2: This is the big whopper, the big sister, Agoraphobia. I'm afraid of crowds and large surfaces, like the super market, Home Depot... Since, I've been reading up on it, this is from Web MD. "Agoraphobia is defined as the fear of being alone in public places (eg, a supermarket), particularly places from which a rapid exit would be difficult in the course of a panic attack. At least 75% of patients with agoraphobia experience panic disorder as well." I've noticed when I start to react, I get overwhelmed. To many people, colors, to much high space in an indoor area. I feel insecure. I'm afraid if something happens to me that no one will be able to do anything. I think I can trace this, in part, to my trip to Mexico. I twisted my ankle pretty badly, fainted twice and avoided a third. There were no doctors in the Hotel or near by. There was only a medic at the Hotel we had stayed at the night before. Also for about the last 2 years, my MD license at work is expired. I'm no longer legit. I'm the only one on my floor with MD training, I'm responsible for about 300 people. So it did come to mind, what if something happens to me? On top of that, as some of you know, my mother died when I was 21, I haven't seen her side of the family since. And I've given my dad is walking papers. I haven't seen any of his family in a long time either. They are not a close knit family. Since I don't have any siblings, my mind, I guess, realized that family wise, I am now alone. I have to take care of myself, myself. Hence the lack of security. Since I've been fraternizing with solitude and loneliness for so long, I feel alone, don't really trust any one. I know I have friends, a few great friends, but I think you'll understand when I say I feel alone. It's been pounded into me by my past. I have to get out of this coma induced state and re-learn to trust the people around me. Their not all alcoholics, selfish... So knowing this, we decided to let the meds I'm taking now really take effect, about another 2 weeks. I have to reduce my alcohol consumption, I've been drinking more and more cause I couldn't feel myself get better. I was/am afraid. Alcohol slows the process of the drugs, also creates insomnia. So only one beer a day for now. I have to keep on reading my anxiety books, do the exercises. Even the books that I can't remember reading, those I have to read and reread. I'm reading 4 books right now, are you surprised Sandra?!, and one of them, I've been reading the same 5 pages over and over again. I just can't remember. The doc says it's normal. ??? But to keep on trying. The first thing he wants to see happen is a better/real sleeping pattern. Then we can move on to something else. I also have to go back to my anxiety specialist and do the 6 weeks treatment in "cognitive re-evaluation". Once over, I'll go back to my regular shrink. He's pretty positive I should be back on my feet, close to normal, in about 6 weeks. I hope so. Still scared!? Still insecure!? Still very young!? Still J!?