Out of the rain but still wet!?
I'm feeling better today.
I spent the afternoon outside yesterday and I think it did me good.
I re-potted all the plants that still looked good and strong. I moved them indoors yesterday in the hopes that they will survive inside. If they do we'll have them all winter long and we'll have them back in the yard next summer.
I don't want to go back on the event, but I'd like to talk about how I'm feeling right now.
I hope you don't mind, if you do, I'm sorry but I need to!?
First, again thank you for your e-mails. They offered support and gave me strength. Your stories made me realize that even though it was a ridiculous accident, I'm not the only on living a stupid act like this.
A commenter sent me an e-mail last night stating I had no right to not allow you to post, I should have let you in because I posted my life's problems. Then he told me I was inconsiderate by not replying to the e-mails received. And because after a day of not visiting anybody I got in trouble for trying to get my mind off my worries.
I might have been harsh in my response to him, but I did thank you all yesterday for the e-mails and I replied when I was good and ready. His e-mail made me feel like I, the victim of this tragedy, had to offer him comfort. Believe me, I made people read it, and that is how it sounded. So I'm not sorry about my response to him. He sent me a "goodbye" e-mail. I guess even with the events going on in my life right now I still have my head.
Enough of that now, on with real issues.
Like Michael said, it's probably just a random stupid act of life. It has no meaning what so ever. I'm almost ready to accept that. Almost.
Before I got sick, in March, I was always questioning when something good would happen to me. I always waited for the other shoe to drop.
Since I've been feeling better then ever, like I posted earlier. I haven't even doubted any of the good things happening to me. Does this mean I should always doubt the good fortune I'll be receiving, like I used too?
I have been smiling at life practically every day. The only time I have problems, is at work. But I'm not worried, I understand why.
Even now after NEO's departure I still feel ok. I did have a reaction when it happened, but nothing overboard. No panic or anxiety attacks. I think I acted normal for the situation that presented itself to me. I didn't feel any symptoms of panic or anxiety. Maybe that's why it happened. To show me that I'm in controls again?!
I don't know.
Another thing that happened, or rather didn't happen.
The dosage of my pills, Effexor, is pretty high. Is it the reason why I couldn't cry when this happened? Was it because I had to stay calm and do what I thought NEO needed?
The first time I cried was the next morning when I brought him to the vet. That's when I lost it. I felt bad for not being able to cry after all this happened on Thursday, but Pascal wrote me the next day that for some unknown reason he almost didn't feel anything.
Why is that? Because we're taking happy pills? Michael, can you shed a light here? I'd appreciate it. I mean I love the little guy. He was my baby. Why did I react, or not react at his death?
I do feel better now. I get images of the event coming back in flashes. They try to affect me, but I push them away.
We still have three cats in the house, I just have to concentrate on them, they do look for him and come to me for affection. More then when he was here. I guess they miss him too.
As you can see on the pic, there's a crack, of a smile on those lips.
I'm getting better. I swear I am.
PS I was looking through my 40,000+ pics for a guy in the rain, for the first picture. And I couldn't find any. If you have some, please send them to me.
But I'm sure you're not mad I posted that one. lol
PPS I didn't get much feedback on my friends web site. Do you like it?
Try to have fun!?
J
The worst has past.
posted by Jack at 10/08/2006 03:07:00 p.m.
8 Comments:
J, I think the insenstive one was the one who wrote to tell you that you should have opened your posts to replies. No. You did what was right for you at the moment, and that should be fine for all the rest of us.
I am glad you are dealing with Neo passing. It will be tough. You will have good times and you will have bad times. But most all of us are here with an ear or a hug or just "standing in the wings" - whatever you need - to let you know we care.
Effexor at higher doses causes a lack of emotional response, nicknamed 'flat lining"
often conveyed as 'gee doc, I can't cry or react to anything, even sad things. Bricks could hit me and it feels like I don't care".
I don't think anyone should tell you how to organize your blog. It's your blog, and if you don't want any comments, then you have the right to turn it off.
Yes, a blogger opens their life to other readers when they write a post about their personal lives, but it doesn't mean that they necessarily want interaction. And there are some posts that we may not want to hear advice/opinions.
In my affliction, I may have gone over my limits, I admit it. All I wanted was for you not to stay all by yourself going through a guilt that wasn't yours. Since I had lived something similar, my worries just grew bigger and bigger as time went by. I just cannot help – and that's not your fault either – detesting that English word that means so little nowadays: fun. Precisely that word had to be the one you wrote in your first comment on a post of mine after the accident! Yes, Joël, I was angry, but I did not insult you the way you insulted me. Even if you were absolutely right, that was no way of showing me what you were feeling, which is the only thing I care for in all this unfortunate misunderstanding. What others may think of this leaves me absolutely indifferent. It's with you I have to go through what happened between us, not with them.
No, it wasn't comfort I needed then. It was just a word from you reassuring me that you weren't feeling so miserable and guilty as I was assuming you were from those two posts without comments. I was truly worried.
I'm deeply sorry if I was wrong.
I'm glad you're feeling well Joe!
The outdoors always puts me in a better state of mind.
You know you can always bend my ear if you need to.
as I said, you are in my thoughts. May the dawning of your happiness come at your own time, not anyone else's. I too know the bite of remorse.
i also have to get out and transplant my spearmint and repot some marigolds for inside. I have a nice sunny spot to grow my kitchen herbs.
gardening alwyas makes me happy... when I can get my lazy ass out to do it.
Yes, Joe, I finally visited your friend's site: maskubate.com! What an interesting concept! Kinky but clever! Honestly, I doubt that I will join ONLY because I do not join any sex sites. Don't ask me why. I just don't.
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