Depression!?

No I'm not depressed. Well not anymore. And not that I know of. I want to ask you if you have ever suffered depression? You know when I went to see my doctor and I told him I felt better than I can ever remember. I told him I thought it had been a long time coming. He asked me how I managed before. I told him I managed. I was not living, I was only surviving. I understand that a lot of people do the same thing. Please talk to your doctor. A lot of what I went through could have been avoided. I could have felt better about myself. I could have faced my ghosts earlier. You see I think it all started very slowly after my mom died. I felt alone. The parent that I had become had lost his child. I didn't know what to do or how to live anymore. So here I am a 20 something with the mind of an orphan child trying to understand life and trying to understand himself. On top of that, I had to figure out being gay. That's when a good doctor should have seen the signs and done something about it. If I had been more mature I could have done something about it. I'm starting to understand myself better. I know I have at least one major issue to deal with, to learn. I don't know how to love. Yes I know how to nurture, I became the parent of an alcoholic child. But you see that child never grew up. Sure she stopped drinking for about three years, but when she did, our roles were reversed. And even then, she didn't return as my mother, she was my friend. I need to find someone to love and let myself be loved. I need to find an equal. Not a child to take care of. Not a person that will depend on me like she did. I'll have to be there for the person but I'll also have to let him live his life, his problems. I can't do that for him. And I know I feel the need to be taken care of like you would a child. I have to get over that and look for the love of a man. I know I can't and wouldn't let myself be cared for like that. I've been a grown up already, and that grown up needs to also come out. I feel it more and more. I know I'm on my way. I still have issues, but I think I'm moving along just fine. I don't know if you've noticed, but I have. Now back to depression. Depression doesn't have to be you lying in bed all day not doing anything. It can be lots of things. If you feel your life is work and sleep and that you don't have the energy to do anything else. Or if you have these symptoms on and off. If you let yourself go, not taking care of your body. Like brushing your teeth, showering, clean clothes, new clothes once and a while. If life seems heavy. I'm not sure we have to smile at life like I've been doing lately. But then again, why not? Just know you don't have to live like that. I'm not a pill kind of guy, but let me tell you, if I had known, I would have taken them a long time ago. I'm not sure how I'll get off of them. Slowly I'm sure. The dosage is pretty high. But now that I'm feeling and getting better. Now that I feel more confident, more sure of myself. I know what to expect. I feel like they have shown me what I didn't know. The life of an adult can also be joyful. Please take care of yourself. Have fun!? J