Bound!?

After spending the last 4 hours between bed and TV or the computer last night, trying to ignore the quaking in my body telling me we were weak. Lack of sleep, food and too much drinking will do that to you!? I decided to grab my workbook on anxiety and read. Funny how when you concentrate things seem to slow down and almost disappear. Then I started thinking!? I've noticed, the more work I do on my self, the harder it gets on myself. They say when you comeback from panic and anxiety problems, you may feel depressed. Well guess what?! All this week I've been doing nothing but getting up e-mailing and going back to bed. Not really sleeping most of the time. I know when you work on your self, it is as draining as any physical activity. But this is ridiculous. I barely see the world around me anymore. My life is my room. I barely ate all week. No bike rides. Running errands only to get cigarettes and beer. Drinking more then my share. Working on undoing the jail that was built around you by mindless limited people is very hard to do. The more I brake down the walls, the more I find. I'm starting to feel like I'm in a maze!? I'm tired of feeling trapped!? I just want to scream and break everything!? But I don't think that would help me!? Is it all of the above?! Is it just the self work?! Is it the lack of structure that work can put into your life?! When these signs started showing up, I told the therapist that I wanted to deal with them. He said he was happy about that cause usually people just want them to go away. I'm starting to wonder if I did the right thing!? The worst thing is I know even if I wanted to, I can't stop it now!? I've opened the flood gate!? It has to take it's course!? I have to finish it!? Or I think it might finish me!? I loved that so much of you gave me suggestions fot the Week-end Wall. Some more challenging then others. But I'm afraid even that was not enough to get my ass in gear. If I can't make myself do something that I like, what will it be like when I go back to work in a week?! I'm sorry I've let myself down and sorry I've let you down. I might hire myself again for the Week-end Wall, if I can wake up from this funk that I'm in. If I can get out of this dark hole!? Even thou it's usually episodes, this episode has been going on for over a year!?