FX or...!?

I don't know if you remember my last visit at the doctor's, he told me he was discouraged and didn't know what to do with me. When I left his office, I felt so down. This is the second time he's made me feel like this. I'm starting to wonder if he knows what he's talking about or if anxiety, panic and depression are maybe over his head. I'm not saying this to disregard anything he's done for me so far, but I've met so many people with similar problems, and they pretty much all told me they had to try different medications before finding the right one. What if the one I'm taking is good, but not the best for me? These are the only ones I've taken. And I have to take a muscle relaxer and a sleeping pill on top of it. Ya think maybe there might be another pill that would do all of that? Maybe? This is an image of what it feels like in my head right now. Some bright spots, some cloudy areas, some thicker and some just plain dark patches. You could say that it's been like this for a long time. Too long. But before now, there were never so bright and so dark patches. I was always in limbo in a gray area. So my "fronts" were never as bright as now. I always came out as sad or bitter. But I never came out sick or dark either. Now if I'm grey, I can "fake" the bright, like when I'm at work let's say. But when I get home, the strength it took me to keep it up all day gives way to the grey to come back. But because of my "weakened" state, it turns to darker pretty quick. What happens then? Nothing! I just sit there for a few hours not moving, not caring. I feel useless, I am useless. People call me lazy, I just don't know what to say to them. I'm not lazy, I'm just dead to the world. Try to explain that to people that never felt, experienced or lived this. You can't. It's not that I want to do nothing, it's just that I don't have the strength, the drive to do it. At the end of the day, when I turn in, I look at a list of things I had planned to do that day and feel disappointed because nothings been done. Let's take this week end for example. This post was started on Friday night. We're now Sunday noon. I wanted to do the dishes yesterday, I have about a sink and a half to do. Well I prepared them three times yesterday and never did them. I wanted to finish fixing up my room, that is the only thing I got to "push" myself to do yesterday. I would work for about twenty to thirty minutes then have to take a break. After a few breaks, it wasn't enough, I had to lie down. I did do a good part of the work, but it's not finished. My room is not that big. I also wanted to re pot new plants to replace the ones we brought in from outside that did not make it. I didn't do it. Ask me if I'm happy it's not done yet. I'm not. Does that make me lazy or stuck in a rut? These are what I take every day. One of each. 262.5 mg, one dose from the maximum. It just goes to show how much help I need to be able to function properly. What I'm wondering is, if they make more serotonin, could they also create something else? Could they open other "doors" in a body? I admit I was grey before, but at one point I was and felt really great. But now it's been grey and black for about four, five weeks now. Why? Am I the one doing this? If so, why? How? I felt so good by the end of August and the better part of September, what happened? Why all this gloomy thinking? It's got to be unconscious. No? Or is it pill related? Take this morning for instance. I had to go to the clinic again because I have another infection to a wisdom tooth. As I was waiting for the doctor, I just felt something come over me and felt awake and alive. Ten minutes later in the cab, I started to feel overwhelmed, almost hyperventilating. I got home and took the antibiotics and had to go to bed because I felt like my mind was swimming. Still now I'm not sure I'm fine. I think my mind is still playing tricks on me. J