Would I !?

Moved!?

2007-01-06T15:52:00.000-05:00

Have fun!? J

A bit of a recap!?

2007-01-03T09:56:00.000-05:00

I decided to do a recap because so much has happened in the last week of the year. And I haven't really kept up with myself here on the blog.

Christmas dinner with Pascal's family was fun. The wrappings were appreciated. The gifts too. Boxing day was quiet here. I didn't go to any store. I guess I hate mobs. I did go the next day. I usually buy Christmas stuff for the following year. There is not a lot left, but that's ok, it only means I buy less. I'm a sucker for decorations.

The rest of the week went ok. I was called a stupid French Canadian by a blogger. Only because my English is not perfect. I've never hid that I was French, I might not have the exact same expressions and might have trouble saying what I mean sometimes. But to call someone stupid is a bit childish. Just because that person doesn't master the language to perfection, doesn't mean they're dumb. I've seen worst from real English speaking people.

But it's ok, it's over and done with.

I've been experiencing problems with blogger. I think it's to force people to move to Blogger Beta. Now since so many are moving to WordPress, I decided to check it out. I'm not sure I'll be moving, but I did transfer the bulk of my blog. It took WP only 10 minutes to transfer everything. There are a few cool things on WP, but I'm still learning.

So for a few days, I'll run both to check things out. Most of you have been experiencing problems also with B. Beta. So I'm not sure to go that route.

I did my traditional turkey dinner on Saturday with the traditional Christmas log cake. I always do one just for home. Too many times have I gone to someone's house only to be presented with a bad meal or another version of Christmas.

Not to say that I'll stop accepting invitations, but you know when something only comes once a year and it doesn't live up to your expectations? Well now I make sure I get at least one real Christmas dinner and cake. I do it myself. Other versions might be good, but I just can't give up mine yet.

New Year's Eve we watched a few TV specials and toasted the New Year with some bubbly. The next day, Pascal's mom invited everyone over for some deep dish meat pie. It was about 6" deep. It's a mix of different meats with potatoes covered with a thick crust. It baked all day. We ate like pigs.

I'm glad I was able to make you laugh with my comparison. I told you mine was bigger than his. And some of you called me a tease. I didn't see skin from you guys. lol Besides, the pills have helped me gain a few pounds that I didn't really want. Not to worry, they'll come off and I'll stop teasing.

Yesterday I started moving my stuff. I'm changing rooms. I'm taking over the dining room. The room is square. I won't feel so cramped anymore and my desk will be facing the window. The room is facing West so lots of sunlight. I'll keep moving my stuff slowly through out the week.

My wrists are getting worst. My right arm has been hurting a lot more for the last few days. I have an appointment in February to have them checked out, but I think I'll have to get the tunnel/nerve cut. At least in the right arm. The left is not so bad, yet.

As for work, I'm seeing both doctors next week. We'll see how things are going.

Have fun!?

J

2007-01-02T16:34:00.000-05:00

Blogger is telling me something!?

Movin' away!?

Have fun!?

J

Should I ?!

2007-01-02T12:07:00.000-05:00

?!?!?!c!?l?!i!?c?!k!?m!?e!??!?!

Have fun!?

J

For those who take life to seriously!?

2007-01-02T00:01:00.000-05:00

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 9. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 10. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. 16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! 19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! 21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand - 23. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 25. If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something. 26. When everything is coming your Way, you're in the wrong lane. 27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 33. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 34. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened!? Have fun!? J

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!?

2007-01-01T08:40:00.000-05:00

Have fun!? J

Dare to compare!?

2007-01-01T01:16:00.000-05:00

Told ya mine was bigger than his!? Have fun!? And HAPPY NEW YEAR!?!?!?!?!?!?! J

Happy New Year!?

2006-12-31T02:15:00.000-05:00

That you decide to stay in, have fun, drink or play games!? That you decide to be romantic with someone!? Or that you decide to dress up and go out!? Just make sure you're happy!?

Have fun!? J

I will anyways!?

2006-12-29T19:31:00.000-05:00

His name is Mike!?On January first, I'll show you that mine is bigger than his!? Most of you know him!? Right Dereck!?

Have fun!? J

Looking back!?

2006-12-29T09:30:00.000-05:00

Like a lot of you, I decided to do a retrospect of my last year. I've been staring at my screen since last night. Not because nothing happened, but because I don't know where to start. I'll do my best not to mix everything up. Last Holiday Season marked my first Christmas "sans" family. It was the first time I did not feel the pressures of the period. I remember going to get my cake on the 24th. Stopping at a store only to find everything half off and coming out with enough stuff to wrap all the presents I might have given. On the way to the bakery I helped a lady walk the slippery sidewalks to get to her destination. I gave my full pack of cigarettes to a guy that was asking for cigarettes and change. On the way back I started realizing it was Christmas and I felt at peace. Tears started to well up in my eyes. That's when I ran into my first ex. We did some small talk and just went on our separate ways. That's when I realized he wasn't all that. I got home, put in a DVD and started my movie night. Made myself some dinner and just kicked back. The next day I made my turkey dinner and it was another peaceful night. Me and Pascal ate like pigs and watched some movies. The 28th marked my first panic attack. I stepped off the subway thinking I was going to faint. After that a few mornings were almost the same. I could feel dizziness and fever creeping in on me. But it always went away. Life just took it's normal course after that. Work was ok until that famous morning in March when everything came crashing down. Figuring it was just another episode like that of the 28th, I just went home to rest. By Wednesday night I wasn't better and went to the clinic to start my road to recovery from general panic and anxiety. I really feel like a kid that was asked to clean his room and just pushed everything in the closet. By trying to cram one more thing in there, that's when the door just gave and everything fell on me. All that's past. All I lived through and everything I tried to work through with my shrink for the last two years just invaded me. Now I've been really cleaning up, slowly but I'm doing my best to put everything in it's place. The pills are helping a lot. I just hope they're only giving me the strength to keep on straightening things and not just lifting them out of my way. I remember in the beginning having a hard time going to the pharmacy and having one doctors appointment after another. Not even being able to move comfortably in my own home. That's when I started working on pictures saved on my computer. I also started reading blogs. At first not leaving comments. Then I wanted some people to know they were being read and appreciated. That's when I created my blogger account. In June I started blogging and getting feedback from the people I left comments to. I met a lot of great people. I only met a handful that were not friendly and supportive. Like everything in life, some come and go, some stay longer and some you know have taken up residency for a while. But all have helped me with their experiences or their support. I am very grateful for all of it. I had a lot of ups and downs throughout the summer. Barely able or wanting to leave the house. All part of the road to recovery I guess. Everything I went and am going through has a purpose, I think. By the end of August I was sure I was ready to go back into the real world and start living again. I didn't think the symptoms I was still experiencing every morning would get the better of me. I have to stop here and just explain something. You tell me if it makes sense. My first, really first anxiety attack was in June 2005 when my dad forced me to tell him I didn't consider him my father, he was not a father. And this for a long time but I just couldn't voice it. Then everything went haywire. Now my last symptoms that are giving me problems are work related. I think all this is linked by one thing, security. My dad, although not a good father, would always be there financially if I needed it. I think that's why I couldn't tell him to leave me alone at first. I was afraid. And now, even if I like my job, I am tired of that kind of work. Some people push my buttons. And it is now, my only financial security. I can only depend on myself now. No one else. Even if mentally I needed it and it was the best thing to do, I think my mind is still in chock. As for work, since I don't feel fulfilled anymore, I'm afraid to take the plunge and find something else. I don't think I could live off of my photography. And even if I like doing decors and wrappings, I don't think I could live off of that either. I want to try and start a sideline, but I still need to go to work in the mean time. My body doesn't seem to want to accept that. So I need another job. So this whole experience is linked, I think to security, safety. I need acceptance, love, I need a family around me. Unfortunately I don't have enough friends I can call friends, so for sure I won't consider them family. One thing I know that finally is out of my system, my illusions of the man that was my father. Even if after two letters of me telling him basically to f-off, in a nice way. And my hanging up on him after he called me a liar on the phone. He showed up last week to give me my Christmas gift. A lottery ticket and a card. Asking if I was coming over for Christmas Eve dinner. I told him no and refused his gift saying I didn't want any. He left leaving the card, with the lottery ticket inside. He dropped his head down and as he turned to leave, I think he was crying. I closed the door. Life goes on. No reaction on the part of my body or my mind. I felt ok. I finally disconnected. I finished wrapping the gifts I had gotten. I had a great time at the party with Pascal's family. They even invited me for two more dinners. I know I'm not alone, but their not my family. Right now though, I might be using some of their love and attention. I know I need it. Not that I'm using them, to me they're all my friends. I need some support. So from what I gather, one problem is solved. But the security problem remains. I'll have to work on that. This wraps up my fun year of 2006. J

Thursday Tune!?

2006-12-28T12:56:00.000-05:00

Michael Buble

"Home" Another summer day Has come and gone away In Paris and Rome But I wanna go home Mmmmmmmm Maybe surrounded by A million people I Still feel all alone I just wanna go home Babe I miss you, you know And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you Each one a line or two “I’m fine baby, how are you?” Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough My words were cold and flat And you deserve more than that Another aeroplane Another sunny place I’m lucky I know But I wanna go home Mmmm, I’ve got to go home Let me go home 'Cause I’m just too far from where you are I wanna come home And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life It’s like I just stepped outside When everything was going right And I know just why you could not Come along with me That this is not your dream But you always believed in me Another winter day has come And gone away In even Paris and Rome And I wanna go home Let me go home And I’m surrounded by A million people I Still feel all alone Oh, let me go home Oh, I miss you, you know Let me go home I’ve had my run Baby, I’m done I gotta go home Let me go home It will all be all right I’ll be home tonight I’m coming back home

Have fun!? J

Boxing day!?

2006-12-26T14:33:00.000-05:00

Wanna hear today's specials?! Or are you ready for the half off sale?! Have fun!? J

Look what Santa brought this morning!?

2006-12-26T10:08:00.000-05:00

Have fun!? J

Had myself a Merry little Christmas!?

2006-12-26T00:13:00.000-05:00

As you can see the gifts were insane!? They actually took half the living room. You name it, we had it. Unbelievable!? It took nine adults and two kids an hour and a half to open all those presents. One of mine was the big yellow one under the window. I think it was one of the bests. It's an office chair. I've been working at my desk on a kitchen chair for about a year if not more. It came from Pascal's mom. They also loved their presents. I think I really got to her boyfriend with my gift. He was freaking out. lol It's a book on singers and artists from here. It's a limited, signed and numbered copy. He freaked about the gift, she freaked about the price. lol She should talk. I had gotten a gift for everyone there. Even people I rarely see. It was great. I love giving, I love wrapping. All the decorations I gave to Pascal's brother's family since I know them, are in the tree. The meal was traditional turkey with an Italian stuffing I had never had before. Pretty good. Vegetables, mashed potatoes. She served a homemade tortellini soup, it was amazing. The taste was...wow!? All this followed by plates of cheeses and different breads and crackers. Pascal's mom had made the Christmas log, moka coffee flavored. Miam!? All in all it was a great night. The kids were quiet, I was one of, if not the hit with my treasure chest. lol Even his brother was nice this time. I guess it's because he was a bit under the weather. His dad was surprised I got him something and felt bad cause he didn't get me anything. lol I just love that!? I know it's mean, but...lol I think I got plenty, I got a chair, some gift certificates, a great meal and good company. What more can you ask for?! Ho!? No attacks!? None what so ever!? hihi What a Christmas!? Have fun!? J

Merry X'mas!?

2006-12-25T07:57:00.000-05:00

I wish each and everyone of you the bestes of Christmases!? Even if you know this song, please make it play and just sing along!? Thank you!? Band Aid Live, Love, Laugh, Sing, Remember and Share!? And now I kiss each and everyone of you!?

Have fun!? J

Here's my tree!?

2006-12-24T22:16:00.000-05:00

Like I told you, we couldn't put much this year, due to you know who. If you don't know who, just look at the bottom of the pic. Most of the gifts are under the tree!? Have fun!? J

Santa's elves!?

2006-12-24T09:57:00.000-05:00

Have you been good enough?! Have fun!? J

2 more bite the dust!?

2006-12-23T19:33:00.000-05:00

If you remember I asked you how I'd decorate this gift, well following the GREAT response I got, here is how I did it!? This is what I ended up putting in it. Not that you might care, but I was sure, from a pic in the catalogue, that it was smaller than this. A friend of mine picked it up from the store. I was expecting a chest to put on a desk. So when I saw it, I knew the dog I got was not big enough. What to do?! Get another dog to put them on each side or... The paper said 15', but I didn't see it said 15'2. So when I went back, of course they had run out of the paper I needed. So that is why you see 2 kinds of paper. It's going to a 6 year old, think she'll notice?! This is Pascal's mom gift. I forgot to take a pic before, but it was a hand held fan. She wants to buy herself a fan for her kitchen. On the back of the hand held fan is a certificate to her favorite restaurant, for 2 people. Have fun!? J

Red tips sightings!?

2006-12-23T10:33:00.000-05:00

Funny how they all look alike!? Have fun!? J

One down!?

2006-12-23T00:40:00.000-05:00

This is for the newspaper guy. I hope he likes it. But if he doesn't, who cares, it's 12:30 am on the 23rd and I'm tired. It's a bottle of Port wine with chocolates. Thank god the other ones are only for Monday!? Have fun!? J

Decorations and answers!?

2006-12-22T23:30:00.000-05:00

This post is to show you some of my decorations and answer a few of Ur-Spo's questions about Cheap Christmas Trash!? This Santa has been in my family longer than I have. For some reason, it needs to be out somewhere during the season. Paint is missing from it and it's not really white anymore. This manger cost my mom 0.39$. Even if I'm not religious, to me it's part of Christmas. It needs to be there, under the tree. The paper star that was on the top, in front was eaten by one of the cats. As you can see the shepherd's legs are broken. I glued them back. Next to it is part of the first Christmas decoration I bought myself. I think I was 10. It was 3 ball/cages with fawns in each of them. Only one survived. Again it has to be under the tree every year. These are candle holders. This is for Lemuel. Today he showed us a clan of "white" people. I wanted him to see my Wisemen. I think they would fit in well over in PA. The next pictures show MY taste in decorations. These are the new Would I generation of Christmas decorations. It's the first year that I redo the decor from work. It's actually the first year that what was there is actually mine. I think it looks nice. This little guy I got on impulse. We actually got one for Pascal's mom. It's her only tree in the house. We call him little bear. He's about 3 1/2' tall. This bear I got last year. I just fell in love with it. But you gotta be careful not to squish it's plastic snowflake fur. The Santa was 75% off last year at the drug store. It looks ok but it has fiber optic in it. I don't plug it in. I'm actually debating removing the fiber. And this year, at the same store they had 2 little seals. I just had to get them. This is the tree I got yesterday for my bedroom. This is an electric chandelier that we have in the dining room. It's just a few garlands and a little snowbird. These are gifts that I'm giving Pascal's niece and nephew. How do you think I'm going to wrap them? This is a chest for toys. This is a stuffed bowling kit.(no noise) lol

Have fun!? J

Nothing compares...!?

2006-12-22T11:30:00.000-05:00

Well since no one mentioned the HNT, I'll just cover up and talk about my day yesterday. Again I slept all night. These pills are amazing. Woke up, read some blogs and then went back to bed for a little nap. I usually go back to bed for about an hour. But I don't feel the need to sleep later in the day. Which is good. Then I went to get some decorations I had seen and wanted for the house. And for me. I started decorating the backyard. I put little fake trees in the planter boxes, put up part of the lights. The pills just give me the push I was missing to "want" to do stuff. I got a picture from my niece yesterday. She is growing so fast. I gotta call them this week-end. I went to see my doctor for the results of the evaluation. I'll take the pills from now on. I'm at 1mg now. I told him I had problems with my wrists. My hands get numb, what ever I do, they get numb. ANYTHING!? I have an appointment in February to get them checked out. Till then I have to where wrists restraints at night. I found the few remaining things to finish my wrappings. I'll post the before and after later on this week. I ordered 2 Christmas logs(cakes), I couldn't decide which one to take, so instead of a big one I ordered 2 small ones. They all looked delicious. I'll take pictures and show you. Probably Sunday night. So things are progressing pretty well. I might try to go in to work and wish my coworkers a Merry Christmas. I sent them all a card and a key chain yesterday. I brought them to the bank next to my house and they were sent by internal mail. I have the last 2 gifts tonight. Friends bought them for me. I'm happy also cause my friend RIC got his Christmas card already. They told me it was going to take 2 weeks. It only took 6 days. Well that's it for now. I'll post the gifts' "before" later on tonight.

HNT?!

2006-12-21T00:07:00.000-05:00

Guys, with the new pill, I feel just so normal. If I still have enough guts in the morning, later on today, I'll give you an HNT. I'll compare myself to D's bf, Mike!? Have fun!? J

Santa says after reading this, "turn the other cheeks!?"

2006-12-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

Or let HIM turn and just watch!? Have fun!? J

Santa might be late this year!?

2006-12-19T05:12:00.000-05:00

Have fun!? J

Clean Wishes!?

2006-12-18T11:58:00.000-05:00

Have fun!? J

Bubble boy!?

2006-12-18T00:03:00.000-05:00

I got this from Doug. What style are you?! Have fun!? J

HO HO HO...OH OH!?

2006-12-17T10:03:00.000-05:00

Have fun!? J

Expectations!?

2006-12-16T12:20:00.000-05:00

I think the pill worked. I slept all night and only woke up at seven thirty. I woke up and my jaw was also pretty relax. I'm also in a pretty good mood. I even baked cookies and muffins this morning. I think also just the fact that I finally saw the psychiatrist and I know a bit more where I'm going now really helps. That's why what I'm going to talk about surprises me. Call it a revelation, I don't know. I don't know if you remember, I once said I'd look at my life like a road with bumps and curves. I'd try to avoid seeing my problems as holes that I could get myself deeper in. Well that road, is mine and mine alone. Each of us has a road to travel. None are the same. Sure we'll cross paths, give a lift to somebody. Do part of the trip together, but in the end, we each have a different goal to reach. A different destination. Since all our treks are different, different levels, why do we think people will be there for and with us through it all? This is mine and no one else will be experiencing what I'll be put through. So why do we keep having expectations? Either towards things or people. We just keep hoping. Why? We'll each have our peaks and valleys. Some will have to surmount big obstacles. Some will just have to skip and jump. So why think that we'll be there for each other. If I look back at all the distance that I've traveled so far, I'll see others crossing my path. Some will even have been the obstacles. But in the end, that road was only traveled by me. You can tell others of your adventures, you can try to make them understand what you've seen, but only you saw it. And only you will see what is coming for the future. I don't know who else I'll meet on my trek, but one thing I know, things look good for me. If we're lucky enough to meet down the road, I'll tell you all about it. But don't expect anything!? Have fun!? J

Weather or not...!?

2006-12-15T17:01:00.000-05:00

This morning was great sunny and warm. By lunch the sky was so grey. Then lightning and thunder. Rain washed over the city like a car wash. At four thirty, they closed a line of the subway due to flooding. It was a real tropical storm. In December!? Ten days before Christmas. This, like a lot of other signs, does not make sense. It lasted a couple of hours and than the sun came back out. The heat has been turned OFF since yesterday. We've never turned off the heat in December. When will we listen?! What else?! Not much happened today besides that. I had trouble falling asleep last night. Last time I looked at the clock it was three am. That explains why I slept all afternoon. That and the attack I got this morning...on my way to the psychiatrist. lol Yes, an attack started as soon as I put on my coat. The shakes, the sweats, wobbly knees and palpitations. But I forced myself to go. When I got to the parking lot I even had trouble seeing the doors straight. He didn't talk about the missed appointment. I think he realized I didn't do it on purpose. He saw me shaking this morning. I told him I was having trouble. He was nice and not at all mean or pissed. We talked for over an hour. He asked me how things were since we last saw each other. He probed when I told him it seemed to be "work" related. He didn't say but I think he's leaning towards scared of responsibility. I told him I had a list of positives and negatives. He listened. He was very glad about the positive side. Then I told him the negatives were my observations since last time. That I wasn't sure if it was related to my condition. He told me to go through it and he'd let me know if it was. But he still wanted to hear about everything. Turns out all but one were related, and side effects of the medication. So he's removing my sleeping pill and my muscle relaxer. He's giving me a pill that will replace both and should cover what my Effexor doesn't cover. He says there's a forty percent chance it works. I should know if it does by the time I see my doc next Thursday. If it doesn't work he will already have suggested something else. So a new pill tonight before going to bed. I should see changes by Sunday he said. I really hope it works. I told him I wanted to stop smoking, he said we have other priorities right now to not even think about quitting. I know I slept all afternoon, but when I woke up, at about four thirty, I felt good and up beat. I think things are looking up. At least for now. Let's just wait and see if this new med works. Have fun!? J

That's a wrap on the wrap!?

2006-12-15T00:33:00.000-05:00

This was for my niece.She loved Pokemon. So with tissue paper I made her Pokemon balls. I know it doesn't look so great, but you should have seen her eyes when I took them out. PRICELESS!? This was for a coworker of ours.We got him a rocking horse, well for his son. You get the picture. His wife wanted to take everything back home with them. She just loved it. This was a Christmas gift for Pascal's mom. As you can see someone else fell in love with it. lol I didn't know it was strong enough to do that, but... It's actually a kitchen appliance in it's original box. Just so you'll know, I don't do this with all my gifts. But I do try to put a personal touch to all of them. So now go to it. I'd love to see what you guys do. Even if it's just wrapped in regular paper, I love to see gifts under the tree!? Have fun!? J

It's a wrap!?

2006-12-14T12:53:00.000-05:00

I told you last week I'd show you some of my different wrappings. These were actually my first attempts at making this kind of thing. Some are good and some not so good. All I can say is some were amazed and as for the not so good ones, they brought a smile and a good laugh to all. Where do I get the ideas? I just look at the gift and also try to think of the person I'm giving it too. I try to personalize them as best I can. Hope you enjoy and I hope it gives you ideas for your gift wrapping. This one was for a friend. She loved the X-Men comic books even before the movies came out. The screen hides 2 packs of smokes and a gift certificate for the movies. In the box there were 2 comics for her collection, some more gift certificates to get more comic books and a little purse that she wanted to go out. In the restaurant, there was a necklace. This was for a friend who loves pink. I decided to make a Jeep windshield with a lamination I gave her. The gift certificate is a road sign. There was the Chippendale stinky and two mugs hidden in the dice. That is actually the mirror from my car at the time. She had to give it back. lol This one was for my friend Sandra. The top and bottom are books. The center was a mug. This again was a lamination for a friend. She loved wolves. The wolf on the right is a fridge magnet. A mug makes the cabin and the snow on the roof is a gift certificate for her chiropractor. The tree trunk hides a movie poster. The apple is a puppet, you stick your finger underneath and you can make the worm move. The teddy of course. And in the box, there was a T-shirt and some gift certificates for our favorite club at the time. I had made this for a kid I knew, but ended up giving it to a friend at work for her girls. It's a kids toy and the headboard is a coloring book. This was for Pascal's mom. I don't recall the event. I did this the morning of the said event. Poor Pascal, I think I drove him nuts that day. lol We had to be there around three, and I was still gluing stuff at two. (That's why some of the corners came unglued.) Not shaved, not showered not ready at all. She still has the book in her library. This was a wedding gift for someone we knew. It's a DVD player and a DVD. This was for a girl at work.It was her first baby shower. She loves Happy faces so I made a Gerber Happy face swirl bottle. She kept the bottle as a bank for her kid. You do need to remember the size of the gifts cause they have to fit in the hole. lol Well that's it for now. Have fun!? J

How do you spell relief?!

2006-12-14T00:04:00.000-05:00

8:30 Friday morning!? That's how!? And I've been warned that if I miss this appointment, it'll take a while. He's leaving on vacation for a month. Either he had a cancellation, or he's taking me on his day of paperwork before leaving. In any case, I'm relieved. No thanks to my doctor. The clinic never called me back. Have fun!? J

Let it snow!?

2006-12-12T17:42:00.000-05:00

Some of you have been asking for snow. Unfortunately the little we had left us last week-end. Here are some pictures from last year. I was just having some fun in the backyard. That's when I found out my camera was more fragile than my regular film camera. I had to hide it in my coat to keep it warm. After a shot or two it would freeze up. This is the same tree taken at about five minutes interval. Weird how fast the light changes during the winter. Remember when I told you beauty was all around? All we have to do is be careful and we'll see it. These were taken in our driveway. Have fun!? J

Drawing a blank!?

2006-12-12T08:39:00.000-05:00

Sorry guys. I've been trying since Saturday, and nothing comes to mind right now. I guess I'm on hold till I get a call from the hospital. Have fun!? J

Contest question!?

2006-12-09T09:54:00.000-05:00

Ok guys, here's the question. One of my cats suffered from diabetes, what was his name? The first person to post the correct answer in the comments will receive a user code and password to access Maskurbate.com free for a month. Good luck!? Have fun!? J

Office party poop!?

2006-12-09T09:29:00.000-05:00

Last night was my office Christmas party. I don't know if you remember, but I was part of the committee. It felt weird yesterday knowing that my friends would be at a party I helped prepare and I myself would not be there. So I e-mailed my friend Sandra and asked her if she wanted to crash the party with me. I really needed to know that things were going great and that people were enjoying themselves. So we entered at about 9:50. The people were surprised to see me. I asked just about everyone I saw if they liked it. Everybody said it was a great night. I went down on the dance floor and moved slowly to one song. I had to go sit down and rest after that. I was starting to sweat and shake. I drank some Perrier, hoping it would help the sweats, it didn't. We went out for a smoke, it was about -10 last night and I was still sweating outside. We went back in and I just got weaker. I left at 10:45. I was really hoping to be there for a few hours and enjoy myself. At least I got to see the people and get some feedback on some of my hard work. It's weird to know what was going to happen last night and not have been there to see it take it's course. I got home and really felt stressed. I watched some TV to try and get my mind on other things. It worked a bit. I went to bed and fell asleep right away. I woke up just fine this morning. So did I react to the people, or because they reminded me of work? Will I ever be able to get back to the office? I have a feeling that I won't ever work there again. I'm still waiting for the call from the hospital. I guess they'll make me wait now.

Nice guy!?

2006-12-08T04:19:00.000-05:00

I just met the nicest guy. He's from Gaspé. Way East from Montréal. He's here for work. It's the first time he was in the village. As you know me by now, I'm probably the nicest guy you can meet in the village. I mean, I'll be your friend and not expect anything in return except conversation and fun. Well that's what we had. It was his first time in a strip club. As you now know, I know a few people there. He was at the bar and for some reason looked nice and lonely, but not LONELY. He just seemed to need company. I bought him a beer. He was all smiles after that. He's the proud father of a four and a half year old little boy. Been partnered for the last nine years. He was just so nice. We talked and drank till last call. We left afterwards. He stayed at the hotel on the corner. I told him I'd take him to the door and that was it. I know he didn't want more. He loves his family. I didn't push it. He kept saying I was nice. I kept telling him that right now I was probably the nicest person he could have met in a strip joint. He is so cute, and so nice. You see, where he's from, there are no gay bars. When he told me where he was from, I was a little skeptic. The part of the province he's from is considereded pretty "red neck". He says the community knows about them and support them. I was really surprised. So yes we drank. Yeah he was cute. But like I said, I took him to the door of the hotel, and that was it. You know, it felt really good. I really think I'm back. If you remember I told you I didn't believe in "open" relationships. And I know I've looked and went the other way. But not with him. I really think I'm back. As you know, even if to me the guy is cute, perfect in every way, as soon as he tells me he's taken, to me he might be a friend, but the "X" or the "sex" factor if you will, is gone. I gave him my e-mail address. I hope he keeps in touch. I'll keep you in touch if he does. So it's about four thirty, I just got home and I feel really good. Have fun!? J

When the ordinary needs to come out!?

2006-12-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had the feeling that something was calling out to you? You could feel the attraction of the object. You can feel yourself being pulled. You can't explain it but you just know that the object is talking to you. You're out and you look in a window lets say, not really looking at anything in particular. In the corner of your eye you see something without really looking at it. Then you walk away. As you're walking, or even once you're back home, all you can see and think about is that little glimpse of something that keeps haunting your thoughts. Later you walk back, all you can see now is the object that keeps popping back into your head. Even if it's not the greatest thing in the window, that's all you see. You don't understand because the thing is just a regular thing. You've seen better. It's not really what you're looking for. But you know you have to do something. A few years ago I was at my office Christmas party. I was also the photographer for the evening. I shot about a hundred pics that night. When I was looking at my pictures, most of them were pretty good. This one was just shot on the fly. My friend was even a bit mad because she knew she was laughing/drunk. As I looked through the pictures, this one just kept coming back. I was looking at all of them, but this one just kept pulling me back to it. I felt weird at first because it was an ordinary picture. I have others of my friend that look a lot better then that one. But this one just kept haunting me. I even left it in the pile for people to see them and order some and nobody said anything about that one. Nobody! After a few days, I opened it in Photoshop. I looked at it. Went on the web and started searching for things to add to this picture. The project took me about thirty minutes to make. This is what came of the picture that was calling out to me. Once I started working on it, this is all I could see. This picture was screaming to be an ad. Since then, a few people saw it and are amazed at the finished product. I gave her a copy. She couldn't believe what I had done with it. I told her that this picture, for some reason was talking to me. Her friends were sure she had posed for the company. They were sure it was real. Some have suggested I send it in. What do you think? Could you see this as an ad in a magazine? And be honest. I'll still love you and I'll still love it. Have fun!? J

Contest!?

2006-12-06T22:02:00.000-05:00

This Saturday there will be a contest here at Would I!?

Who ever answers will receive a user code for a month to access

Maskurbate.com!? The contest will start Saturday at noon my time,

and the first one with the right answer in the comments will win.

Have fun!? I know the winner will J

The waiting game!?

2006-12-06T13:29:00.000-05:00

All there is to do for me now is lay back, relax and wait for the call. I feel much better than yesterday, thank you guys for being there. I want to apologize for some of the language that was used yesterday. I don't usually write like that. So I'm really sorry. I hope I didn't offend anyone. If neither of the doctors bring up my missing the first appointment, which I doubt I've heard the last of, should I bring it up? And also how I felt mistreated and just pushed to the side? Little weather update. It's still white outside, about two or three inches of snow. But yes it's cold enough for these today guys. It's only minus ten but with the wind... I've been reading my old posts in the sections, Walking in my shoes & World in my eyes, and I'm wondering how come I don't write like that anymore? All I've been writing about is this thing using all of my energy. It's part of me. And right now I feel it's controlling me. But I don't think it's all of me. Why can't I concentrate long enough to read? Why can't I feel passionate enough to write about something other than this? I'm part of GMR and IRM and right now, I don't feel like posting any of what I'm writing because it's too personal. Always the same. Even though here it's my blog, my journal, I'm also tired to write only about that. You guys have any suggestions to inspire me? Have fun!? J

Same but different, update #2 !?

2006-12-05T15:44:00.000-05:00

Well I'm on my second pack of cigarettes since seven last night. Just goes to show you. I just came back from my shrink's office. He helped me understand and calm down, a bit. He showed me that my reaction is normal. A bit weak do to my condition, but normal. Here I am, little me, faced with a problem that puts me in the same boat as others. MONEY! That's all it is. As for my doctor, like my shrink said, maybe he's having a bad day. I told him "at eight in the morning?" He laughed. I told him I know it's not nice, but I do wish I am the least of his problems today. He laughed again. Now on to better things, ME! I asked him why I feel like what I'm thinking and how I'm reacting are not coordinated, not the same. He told me that the medication will help certain aspects of me, but not all of them. If it did, I wouldn't feel a thing. I'd be stone, in another world. The fact that I wanted to tell them that I understand my mistake and that I've "dealt" with myself is a good sign. The fact that I have to fight off an attack, in my condition, is normal. I feel like parts of me are almost a hundred percent better but others are still lagging behind. I don't feel like what I see in the mirror. To make a long story short, my circuits are re-wiring themselves. So my old me is learning my new me, my new ways. My reaction to the two doctors shows him I'm still me and that more of us should react like me. We should not settle. The fact that I can't believe what these two doctors are putting me through is evidence to him that I'm doing good, better. The naïve is coming back. (I can't tell you how good this makes me feel!?) I asked him if there was something that maybe I was not doing to get better. Due to the fact that parts of me are doing so much better. He told me I'm doing just fine. What exactly is still wrong, we don't know. But I am making progress. Like he said, "you might not feel like what you see, but realize that what is stronger in you will support and help you get through the rest." How can you not feel better after that? So imagine, I'm not the same guy as last year. I feel I've grown, matured. Still not there yet, but... And on top of that, I don't feel like what I see of me right now. Confused enough?! Have fun!? J

8:05 am and I wanna go back to bed!?

2006-12-05T07:50:00.000-05:00

I could feel it when I woke up this morning. I knew something was not right. Well my friends, it seems it's open season starting today on yours truly. Let the games begin!? I guess it actually started last Thursday. After missing my appointment with the psychiatrist, I had called to apologize and asked them to please call me back to make a new appointment. Well they didn't call, wanna know why? A letter was sent to my doctor stating that I never showed up. What happened to the benefit of the doubt? I guess you only get one chance. I went to my clinic last Saturday to have some papers filled by my doctor. I left him a note stating I had missed my appointment. He called me this morning all condescending asking what happened and that it took him half an hour to fill out the paperwork and that he will not redo it. I told him I had already left a message last week. And that I was waiting till 8:30 to call back this morning to speak to someone. He said to do so cause if not I'd have to go through the hospital. Meaning a 6 months wait, another evaluation, bla bla bla. He mentioned that my behavior did not just waste the psych's time, it also wastes his and what to say about the insurance? I guess they'll expect me to do some of this? Well I wont! I'd have to kiss my doctor, the secretary when and if she calls. The psych and the insurance woman. I left more for good measure. I don't think my shrink will be like them. I'll stand my ground. I wont be mean, I'll just be firm and let them know that I am not taking this lightly. I know my actions were stupid. I think, suffering from anxiety and panic and being a nervous person to begin with, I've done a pretty good job of analyzing and coming down on myself. 10:22 UPDATE!? Well fuck me!? I got a call from the hospital at 9:45. She told me the request had to come from my doctor again. I told her he didn't want to redo it. She said she was just repeating what the psych said. I called back my doctor. After about 15 minutes on hold, she transferred me to him directly. I told him and you know what he said? He'll redo it! I told him not to think that I was taking this lightly and that I did come down on myself last Thursday and that I was fighting off an anxiety attack right now. Again, you know what he said? Well keep beating yourself up and calm down. I'll send the request again. WTF? Why tell me he wasn't re-sending it if it wasn't true? I bet he's just going to take the request from last week, change the date and re-fax it. ASS! Now, ME! Why am I thinking one thing but my body reacts in a totally different way? I mean, I was serious before when I was writing my post. Then the phone call just made me melt. I lost it. I'm still shaking right now and I'm trying to keep my breathing to a normal pace. There really is a problem with my wiring. J

Deck the halls!?

2006-12-03T12:05:00.000-05:00

The stores have had their decorations up for over a month now. People started putting up their lights about two weeks ago. Yesterday I saw a few cars with trees on top. Some of you have been talking about decorating this weekend. We're not sure if we'll decorate this year. You see, we already have a fake tree in the house, dark room that needed greenery, and Teddy tries to jump in it. So... Another thing I'll miss this year is decorating the office. I've been "in charge", no one else wants to do it, of decorating the office for Halloween and Christmas. I wasn't up to it this Halloween and I won't be there for Christmas. Here are a few decors I did over the last few years. Please keep in mind I have no budget to do these things. These are the doors to the office, eight elevators open up on them. What's fun is when people talk about it around me and don't know I'm the one who did it. The nut cracker is a cardboard tube, his pants are a piece of black velvet I had, red carboard, felt for the eyes and mustache and the hat is a carpet from the dollar store. The drum under the ballerina is a hat box decorated with red cardboard and ribbons. The ballerina is a coworkers kid's doll. The fire place is the box of a flat screen TV covered with cupboard sticky paper. Here I bought the trees and garlands myself, yes I took them home after. The fawn was mine from a long time ago. All I asked the office to pay was the rolls of cotton for the snow. Now I'd like to see some of your decorations for decor ideas for this year. I don't do anything that elaborate at home, but I always try too hard. Also, I'd like to see some of your wrapping talents. Through out the week I'll show you different wrappings I have done through out the years. Hopefully it will inspire you. Here's a taste of what's coming. This girl was leaving for maternity leave and she collects pigs. So her parting gift from the office is in the belly of the pig. It was bedding for the crib with a few extra things. Now e-mail me your pics or post them on your blog. Let me know either way. I'd like to see the different styles of decor and wrappings. Have fun!? J

All warm inside...and out!?

2006-12-03T00:02:00.000-05:00

I want to thank everybody for Thursday.

After reading all your comments,

this is how you make me feel!?

Thank you!?

Have fun!? J

Analyze this!?

2006-12-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

The first thing my therapist told me when I started seeing him three years ago was that we are not stupid. We may do stupid things, have a stupid behavior, but we are not stupid. I remember correcting myself at the beginning. But after a while I didn't even have to think about it anymore. It was just automatic. I even correct others. They look at me weird sometimes, but others appreciate it. I guess for a few hours Thursday morning I just forgot. As soon as I read the first few comments, I realized I had forgotten myself. I haven't been down on myself since then. Don't worry. I've analyzed my behavior of the previous night and all the other nights I've been going out lately. I've also been looking at my life here at the house. By going out, I've been looking for some kind of normalcy. When I'm out, people don't know I'm sick. I don't feel sick. So normalcy, friendship, companionship, acceptance are things that I've been craving lately. I need to feel normal. I need to feel alive. And even though it feels good for the time that I'm there, it doesn't last. So I'll revise my possibilities. I've been busy here at the house. I've made muffins. I've tried a few new recipes. I finally took care of my plants. All of them have been potted, trimmed, cleaned and watered. I'm glad to say they don't look half bad for plants that were abandoned for a few months. It felt good to get my hands dirty and to work the soil. I even had help from Teddy. He was so intrigued. He kept jumping on my work table to see everything I was doing. Of course he decided that a few of them didn't need to be potted. He would run off with some branches. Later today I'll be making fudge and might try my hand at some gingerbread cookies. It snowed a bit here yesterday. Then it hailed, followed by freezing rain. A huge tree, two houses down from here, fell in the street. Crushing two cars. I'll go check our trees and wrap some of them up. They were all bent over the fence under the weight of the ice. A small one was squished to the ground. I have some errands to run also. So I have a pretty busy day today. Hopefully I'll stay on track and do all that I want to do. Thank you for your comments. They mean a lot to me. I haven't answered them yet. I've been in my own little world for the last two days. I'll get to them soon. Wishing you all a great day!? Have fun!? J

Can you say stupid?!

2006-11-30T12:23:00.000-05:00

Do not feel sorry for me!? I am that stupid. I had an appointment this morning at nine with the psychiatrist, I woke up at ten. I went out last night. Of course I got drunk. Apparently I got home at four and put on some music. I woke up my roommate. Do I remember any of it?! NO!? Stupid is as stupid does!? Guys, I have a drinking problem!? J

The Alphabet MEME

2006-11-28T00:04:00.000-05:00

A is for age: 38 B is for beer of choice: Blue Dry C is for career: Life D is for favorite Drink: Coke E is for essential item you use everyday: keys F is for favorite song at the moment: Lovelight By Robbie Williams G is for favorite game: Any game with my friends kids. H is for hometown: Montreal I is for instruments you play: none J is for favorite juice: OJ K is for kids: Do cats count?! L is for last kiss: 2 weeks ago M is for marriage: No thank you N is for name of your best friend: me O is for overnight hospital stays: 2 years ago, I stayed a week for pancreas problems. P is for phobias: none really Q is for quote: You are never better served then by yourself. Smile life is to short. R is for biggest regret: coming out at 26. Not catching on about my family sooner. S is for Shirts: Ts please T is for time you wake up: 6:00 am U is for underwear: Black CK Fitted boxers with buttons in the front. V is for vegetable you love: cauliflower, carrots W is for worst habit: I spend too much. X is for x-rays you have had: Right arm, left foot, lungs, twice. Head twice. Y is for yummy food you make: Chocolate truffle cake with raspberries Z is for zodiac sign: Libra

Help is on the way!?

2006-11-27T07:42:00.000-05:00

"We all have to behave better than what naturally comes to us." This quote was said on 60 minutes yesterday by Andy Rooney. Since I don't watch much TV anymore I missed it. Thank you Torn for posting it this morning. It inspired me. Made me think back to the old me. It made me realize that I was forgetting my old ways. This quote wouldn't have to be if we weren't so self centered. Where is our sense of community, our sense of family? Why do we have to behave "better" than natural? Because we are so detached from each other that we've forgotten what it means to be brothers. What it means to help each other out. We lost all respect for our fellow men. We must remember that we are all in this together. "All for one and one for all" to quote a famous group/family. Yesterday Lemuel posted a story on two people having the same dream, but one saw it as Hell and the other saw it as Heaven. This story goes with the quote above. It shows how much we're only thinking of ourselves. I know it's not everybody. But there is too much selfishness in the world. Too many who think only about themselves. How about we lend a hand from now on? When ever possible lets help each other. We don't have to wait to be asked, we can offer our help. No matter how small the gesture, you'll feel better and the person receiving your aid will be grateful. Surprised but happy of your forwardness and kindness. Congratulate someone on an action well done. Even if it's their job. A few words of encouragement, some positive feedback is always good to hear. Let people know they can lean on you when ever the need arises. Everybody needs a shoulder, an ear to be there for them. It doesn't mean they'll take advantage of your offer, but at least they'll know someone cares. Last but most important, smile. Always walk with a smile on your face. You'll see how much a smile brings out other smiles. You'll feel better and the people coming in contact with you will be a lot more positive. More relaxed and more fun. At worst, you'll feel better and will be working on a natural face lift. If you remember your biology courses, it takes less muscles to smile then to frown. Less wrinkles. Why should we wait to get to Heaven? Lets make Now Heaven. So lets help each other!? Lets have fun!? Lets smile!? J

It's the thought that counts?!

2006-11-25T15:15:00.000-05:00

They say it's the thought that counts. But I think it's only when you do something but it doesn't come out the way you wanted. Well I thought a lot of good things to do while I'm on sick leave. Did I do any of them? Nope!? I feel like that guy. I wanna do stuff but I don't seem to be able to find the energy. Torn, I need a bike ride. lol Where are you?! I know I should push myself, but today I don't seem to be able to. I know Thursday I'll get answers, but I don't want to sleep till then. I'm really sick of this yoyo behavior. I know, I know!? Help is on it's way. But like I said I don't want to wait till then. Am I too anxious?! Should I just shut up and relax?! I don't think so. Have fun guys!? J

Reversed psychology!?

2006-11-24T06:25:00.000-05:00

I was trying to figure out a way to help my American friends on this dark day. Then it came to me. To get you out of your black Friday blues, I decided to try and make you concentrate on the opposite, white. I hope it works!? I'm sorry, but I think the ends justified the means!? So take two of these and call me in the morning!? Feel better?! Have fun!? J

5m + 2d = 10k !?

2006-11-23T20:27:00.000-05:00

Two days ago was my five month anniversary. Not that I want to cheer on every month. This is sort of special. Who knew five months ago that I would be baring my soul for all to read. In five months, I got ten thousand hits. Ten thousand!? I'm glad to know some of you. I'm open to anybody that wants to chat. Thank you all!? Have fun!? J

Latest news!?

2006-11-23T10:19:00.000-05:00

Good news! The hospital just called and my appointment with the psychiatrist is next Thursday. It was suppose to take 2 to 4 weeks before she called. I'm so glad I won't have to wait that long. I'll keep you posted.This is the view from my desk. My view is better then my boss and her boss. lol Have fun!? J

Happy TG day to my American friends!?

2006-11-23T01:15:00.000-05:00

Since everybody is posting pictures of turkeys and pies, I decided to celebrate with different pics. I hope you don't mind!?

Should I remove them and put some turkeys instead? Have fun!? J

Laid back!?

2006-11-22T18:24:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty warm and sunny day.

Have fun!? J

On the right track!?

2006-11-21T12:58:00.000-05:00

A bit over a year ago I told my shrink that I felt I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have an imagery mind. I told him, I felt like my parents had put me in front of a mountain and they had told me to dig, when I was going to get on the other side I'd be an adult. Like all the kids around me, I started with my hands. Then they gave me a spoon. I feel their assistance stopped there. The other kids got shovels, pick axes, a team of helpers, trucks, bulldozers and dynamite. A normal kid takes about 16 to 20 years to get to the other side. Me with my spoon, it took me about 36-37 years. Then I began the "adjustment" period. I started seeing the light around June 2005 and I guess I took a break. Now I've started my adjustment period a few months ago. I feel it inside, I am maturing. I feel like I'm growing up. I did do a big clean up in my life, in me and I guess all the mess is finally clearing out. There is still some junk in there, but I do feel some order. I think the road will be easier now. I know I'll be able to move on pretty soon. Even though I've been put on sick leave right after my vacation, it doesn't feel the same. Last week it was relaxing and enjoying. Now I feel like I should do something. Not to say that I'm stressed but I do feel like this time is given to me to keep working on myself. So that's what I'll do. If weather permits, I'll keep riding my bike. I will have to dress warmly, but if I don't feel to "restrained" in warmer clothes, I'll ride my bike again. I did sign up to the pool. I'll make a schedule and go about 3 - 4 times a week. A lot of books suggest taking yoga classes. I'd rather take a martial arts class. This way I could train, move, get in shape and the discipline does offer concentration, meditation. What do you think? I do have free weights at home that I want to start using regularly. This will help and I'll have something to do if I'm just sitting around watching tv or listening to music. But what I would be more interested in would be a program. There are programs out there for training with just your body. I don't know how it's called but you have different exercises to do that are the same thing as if you go to the gym and use the machines. If you know what I'm talking about, can you help me find some information on the web? I do want to use this "second chance" that's been given to me to really work on myself. I feel good now. Much better than last summer. So I know I can put this time to good use. I'll keep you posted. Have fun!? J

It's official!?

2006-11-20T17:12:00.000-05:00

I saw my doctor this morning and he put me back on sick leave. He upped my meds to the maximum dosage and now I wait for a call from the psychiatrist. We think he'll change the meds. I do feel ok right now. I do have symptoms coming and going but they never stay. He doesn't understand it either. I really think my body is getting used to the meds. Thank you all for your concerns and comments. I'll keep you posted. I'll be back tomorrow with a new post. Have fun!? J

Sleepless, and tired, in Montreal !?

2006-11-19T08:48:00.000-05:00

I went to bed around eleven last night, after taking my pills, the full sleeping pill and half the muscle relaxor, only to get up at twelve. I watched Comic relief 2006. It seemed funny, the Canadian broadcaster decided to censor words every five seconds for ten seconds. What's the point? I went back to bed at one forty five. Got back up at three and surfed the net. Tried to sleep at four. I woke up at six. I have not slept since. Funny how the pills will put me down so hard so long, but sometimes they seem not to work at all. Why? Yesterday was quiet. I had a boost of energy and started different projects around the house only to stop cause I ran out of steam. I didn't sleep during the day, I only felt zoned out. I did sleep for a half hour around six. We're going to watch The Da Vinci code tonight. Hopefully Tom Hanks will put me to sleep. (as usual) Have fun!? J

So close but yet...!?

2006-11-17T08:51:00.000-05:00

As much as Wednesday was, I think, THE most serine day of my life. Yesterday was another story. I woke up with a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Right away I started breathing in deeply. After a while the feeling grew into sweats and than shakes. I tried to keep myself calm and did my regular morning routine. When it came time to leave, I was sweating even more. I had to stop half way to the subway. I couldn't feel my feet and my knees were weak. The walk to the subway usually takes me less than five minutes, this time it took me half an hour. When I got to the subway station, it got worst. I turned around to go to the bank and take a cab. I felt calmer. Once I got close to the bank, it started again. I got my money and went home, called in sick and went to bed. Those feelings stayed with me all day. Even when I went to see my shrink, I spent forty minutes sweating and calming myself down. I was still nervous in his office. I didn't want to be there. I usually love our sessions. But last night, I just didn't want to be there. For some reason, he got me to calm down and feel better. The last ten minutes of our session were almost ok. Once at home, I almost felt normal. The only thing I noticed was that I was agitated. Conclusion: Him and my boss both agree that I was not ready to go back to work. He thinks my "crutch", the meds, either they're not strong enough for me or not the right ones. I'm going to see my doctor next Monday to make another appointment with a psychiatrist to revise the meds. I'm off work again. Have fun!? J

The end of summer!?

2006-11-15T16:52:00.000-05:00

I'm going back to work tomorrow after eight days off. My first vacation this year. I know it might sound weird, but the six months of sick leave were just that, six months of sick leave. If you take all the days I felt good in that period and put then together, I was "ok" for about three weeks. Not much of a summer if you ask me. Today was spent in a reflective mode. In solitude. Not the bad kind. Today for the first time in a long time, I was alone with myself and it felt good, no worries, no depression. Just calm and quiet. For some reason I feel like something changed in me this week. Without feeling older, I feel more mature, wiser. I feel like I got answers to questions I had. I feel at ease, more at peace. Of course I had a list of things to do around the house. Did I follow that list? No. lol. Some of you will say the best vacations are the unplanned ones. Well this one was really not planned. What happened this week? I partied. I went out four times, leaving in the evening to comeback the next morning. I met a lot of people. I had fun. For the first time in a very long time, I felt free. Like I didn't have a care in the world. Of course I made sure I was ok, but as for the rest, I just didn't think about anything. I really felt like I was on vacation. Like I was not just off work, but off "me". Does that make sense? My head was not stressing twenty four seven. That's what I mean. I guess being sick for six months is a job in itself. I feel like I've let go of a few things. It feels great. I feel great. Am I still sick? Yes, but I feel much better. I guess I had to blow off some steam. I made a big hole in my savings, but it's ok. It'll comeback. Do I have anything to show for it? Yes I do. Me! And it was worth it. All of it. Have fun!? J

The naïve will be back tomorrow!?

2006-11-14T00:16:00.000-05:00

Have fun!? J

2 musts!?

2006-11-12T17:45:00.000-05:00

These two books have just influenced and changed my life. This first one should be read by all. Yes it is concentrated on growing up gay in the world, but it also gives a sense of relief for all that have grown up in this world. I never figured I needed to read this book, now I'm glad I did. And I'll reread it again and again. This next one was suggested to me in my comment section. Without even thinking I ordered it. I read, devoured this book in one afternoon. This book is the best, the simplest book on life I've ever seen. This book is another great find to be read and reread. These two have been my latest and best purchases. For sure they will be gifts for a lot of people I know. Hope you enjoy!? Have fun!? J

When planets align!?

2006-11-11T09:05:00.000-05:00

What does it mean when you meet the four guys in your life that have shaved heads, all on the same spot? I was on my way to have a beer and chat with one of the dancers of the club I told you guys about, when I ran into my first ex. (shaved head #1)He was with his new bf and we chatted for a bit, right in front off where I was going. Then I was on the phone before going in, and the guy that used to be my barber walks by. (shaved head #2)We chatted for a bit. I went in and got a beer and chatted with Patrick. He's straight, 42, father of 4.(shaved head #3) We went outside for a smoke, and the guy from the moving company I use walks by and chats with us.(shaved head #4) Besides Patrick, all the other meetings were not planned. Why would I run into all 4 of them on that day? All on the same spot? Just wonderin'!? Have fun!? J

Three's company!?

2006-11-08T17:45:00.000-05:00

3 Blogs you are just beginning to read? Brokenwhole Life of a bare bear (space for rent) 3 Blogs that make you smile or laugh the most? The show with Zefrank Jetboy 747 Sticky Crows 3 Blogs that provide you with the most learning? De Viris Pulchris et Aliis Gay men rule (space for rent) 3 Blogs that “look the best”? Beautiful Best gay blogs Lets say you're right... 3 Blogs you won’t read at work? Captain caveman Lone wolf in the highlands I would !? 3 Bloggers you wish “they would post more often”? Half out - Half in Jetboy 747 Sandra 3 Bloggers that get you out of your usual mode of thinking? Ralph Lemuel Ric 3 Blogs with the best photos? I would !? Beautiful Best gay blogs 3 Bloggers that make you want to reach through the computer screen and give them a hug? for me: Derek Tornwordo Lemuel here's a fourth, sue me Jason for them: Ric Gray Tornwordo 3 Blogs with the best ongoing story line(s)? Sticky Crows (space for rent) (space for rent) 3 Blogs with the best ongoing theme(s)?

How does that make you feel? (space for rent) (space for rent) 3 Bloggers that inspire you to “keep going” with your own.

Doug Gray Ric Have fun!? J

Time off for good behavior!?

2006-11-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

This dude is on vacation!?

Have fun!? J

R D FX making U wet 2?!

2006-11-07T23:15:00.000-05:00

This is a question to all Effexor users, do they make you sweat like this guy?! Cause I look like him getting off the subway!? Just wonderin'!? J

Fireworks?!

2006-11-06T19:46:00.000-05:00

No, not really, but it was a great day after all. You see it was a very normal day today in the woulds. It went by fast and with a smile. So enjoy your evening, and most of all, Have fun!? Joel

A new day?!

2006-11-06T07:14:00.000-05:00

I don't know if something happened yesterday or during the night but it's seven am and I'm showered, shaved and going to have breakfast. I did a good part of the dishes last night and kept cleaning my room. Even this morning I cleaned and put some stuff away. Could it be that I'm finally out of my blues?! Let's hope so!? Have fun!? J

FX or...!?

2006-11-03T21:24:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you remember my last visit at the doctor's, he told me he was discouraged and didn't know what to do with me. When I left his office, I felt so down. This is the second time he's made me feel like this. I'm starting to wonder if he knows what he's talking about or if anxiety, panic and depression are maybe over his head. I'm not saying this to disregard anything he's done for me so far, but I've met so many people with similar problems, and they pretty much all told me they had to try different medications before finding the right one. What if the one I'm taking is good, but not the best for me? These are the only ones I've taken. And I have to take a muscle relaxer and a sleeping pill on top of it. Ya think maybe there might be another pill that would do all of that? Maybe? This is an image of what it feels like in my head right now. Some bright spots, some cloudy areas, some thicker and some just plain dark patches. You could say that it's been like this for a long time. Too long. But before now, there were never so bright and so dark patches. I was always in limbo in a gray area. So my "fronts" were never as bright as now. I always came out as sad or bitter. But I never came out sick or dark either. Now if I'm grey, I can "fake" the bright, like when I'm at work let's say. But when I get home, the strength it took me to keep it up all day gives way to the grey to come back. But because of my "weakened" state, it turns to darker pretty quick. What happens then? Nothing! I just sit there for a few hours not moving, not caring. I feel useless, I am useless. People call me lazy, I just don't know what to say to them. I'm not lazy, I'm just dead to the world. Try to explain that to people that never felt, experienced or lived this. You can't. It's not that I want to do nothing, it's just that I don't have the strength, the drive to do it. At the end of the day, when I turn in, I look at a list of things I had planned to do that day and feel disappointed because nothings been done. Let's take this week end for example. This post was started on Friday night. We're now Sunday noon. I wanted to do the dishes yesterday, I have about a sink and a half to do. Well I prepared them three times yesterday and never did them. I wanted to finish fixing up my room, that is the only thing I got to "push" myself to do yesterday. I would work for about twenty to thirty minutes then have to take a break. After a few breaks, it wasn't enough, I had to lie down. I did do a good part of the work, but it's not finished. My room is not that big. I also wanted to re pot new plants to replace the ones we brought in from outside that did not make it. I didn't do it. Ask me if I'm happy it's not done yet. I'm not. Does that make me lazy or stuck in a rut? These are what I take every day. One of each. 262.5 mg, one dose from the maximum. It just goes to show how much help I need to be able to function properly. What I'm wondering is, if they make more serotonin, could they also create something else? Could they open other "doors" in a body? I admit I was grey before, but at one point I was and felt really great. But now it's been grey and black for about four, five weeks now. Why? Am I the one doing this? If so, why? How? I felt so good by the end of August and the better part of September, what happened? Why all this gloomy thinking? It's got to be unconscious. No? Or is it pill related? Take this morning for instance. I had to go to the clinic again because I have another infection to a wisdom tooth. As I was waiting for the doctor, I just felt something come over me and felt awake and alive. Ten minutes later in the cab, I started to feel overwhelmed, almost hyperventilating. I got home and took the antibiotics and had to go to bed because I felt like my mind was swimming. Still now I'm not sure I'm fine. I think my mind is still playing tricks on me. J

I feel it creeping back!?

2006-11-02T18:54:00.000-05:00

The blues have been invading me this afternoon. I don't want them to stay. I don't want them to take over. It's easy to say kick yourself and do something, but when they run the show, you sorta forget where your foot is. I hope they don't stay long. I hope they don't grow into depression. I'm sick of this!? I want my life back!?

They're among us!?

2006-11-01T07:27:00.000-05:00

Heroes If you haven't watched it yet, you have to!? This is a very good series!? The best one I've seen in a long time!?

Hope you enjoy!? Have fun!? J

Costume ideas!?

2006-10-31T00:01:00.000-05:00

Here are a few Tarzan examples!?

Or you could be a Roman!?

A lion tamer and your bf could be the lion!?

Or if you're rich enough, you could try and lay everybody in the place!?

Or if you're cheap!?

You can dress like Kathy Bates in Fried green tomatoes, or rent a cuddly bunny outfit, dress like a fortune teller, your favorite molecule or decease, a towel boy, Conan the barbarian, one of the Red hot chilly peppers band member, Zorro, a Disco queen, a maid, a butterfly, a pirate or a Clockwork orange wanna be!?

Here is my favorite, The phantom of my dreams!?

Who can tell me who's behind the mask?! And no it's not me, I wish!?

Let me know what you go as!?

Have fun!?

Houston!? We have a problem!?

2006-10-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

I wish you could read my lips right about now. I've been trying to post all week end. This was suppose to be my "thank you" MEME, it sure looks like I'm not that thankful. Well for some reason, blogger didn't work for yours truly. I wonder if the fact that we had to turn back time had anything to do with it. For some reason I was sure that we were going to follow the new time saving method of the Americans. Isn't it this year that November will be the new month for changing time? Blogger kept telling me I had a "java" problem. How can I get a java problem? Nothings changed since Friday. I don't really know anything about java except that I take mine black. If you ask me, I think someone was not working in blogland this week end. How can you not expect problems when we, the human race decide to play with time? Either that or the office Halloween party was awesome. Funny that I didn't change anything, and now I can post. What happened? I sent them an e-mail this afternoon, think they'll reply and tell me what went wrong? I'm sure they wont. I mean this is a free service, so I guess we can't complain. I mean, does this look like someone who has a problem with his java?! I'll post my thank you MEME next week end. Have fun!? J

MY thanking MEME week end!?

2006-10-29T10:01:00.000-05:00

I'm following in the footsteps of some bloggers regarding thanking some of our fellow bloggers. With a twist!?

2006-10-28T00:21:00.000-04:00

ZEFRANK, If you guys haven't watched "The Show" yet, please do so. This guy knows how to put a smile on my face every time. He'll probably never read this, but he's a great and funny guy. I hope his blog takes him places. Congrats and good luck SportRacer!?

Go check him out!?

"And that's the show, thinking so you don't have to!?" Have fun!? J

ScreenSavers or DeskTops!?

2006-10-27T19:59:00.000-04:00

Hi guys!? I've been having fun with Photoshop!? I made some backgrounds for my screen. Here is where I'll keep them. I Would!? Let me know what you think!? These are pics I received or picked up on the web. I'm in my singles B&W folder. I'll make some couples and color if you like them. Have fun!? J

The other side!?

2006-10-26T21:44:00.000-04:00

What do you do when someone asks you to be someone you're not?! Do you give in and be what they want you to be?! Or do you say no?! How do you know if the pressure itself is not just to get you out of your comfort zone?! When do you say no?! When do you say enough is enough?! Do you just wear a mask and swallow?! What?! I'm looking forward to your feedback!? J

You can leave your hat on!?

2006-10-25T22:58:00.000-04:00

Everything is pretty quiet here in the woulds. Yesterday was a normal day at work. I spent most of the day in training. Got back to my desk with only two hours before leaving. I went to see my shrink after. I told him how the doc did not know what to do with me. How his statement brought me down. But after thinking about it, it just sorta made me mad and I decided not to let it get to me. Since then I feel better. I decided to stop reading any self-help books for a while. Just think it's time to take a break and just live. After the shrink, I stopped at the Olympic Stadium and signed up for the pool. It's the only place I found with decent hours. At first I wanted to go out last night but then decided to stay in and let my body rest and finish recuperating from last week. I had my usual day off today. I had a list of stuff to do but after waking up at six thirty, reading some blogs and answering e-mails, I went back to bed at nine thirty, remnants of my sleeping pill. I though I was going to sleep for about an hour, but I woke up at twelve. I had lunch and got the new Robbie Williams album from iTune. It's pretty good. The Pet Shop Boys contributed on this album. I started feeling tired around two thirty so I went to bed for a nap. I woke up at five. What a day off. I almost feel like it was wasted, but also I think if I slept, it's because my body needed it. So my list will have to wait. It's not a must do list it's just regular things I wanted to do and also finish. I guess I can do a bit every night for the rest of the week. So that's it for now, told ya it was quiet in the woulds. Just checking in to let you know I'm doing good. Have fun!? J

2006-10-23T23:32:00.000-04:00

RIC, this is for you!?

A hell of a couple of months!?

2006-10-23T00:04:00.000-04:00

No no don't worry, I'm not going back and cry. I just can't believe everything that's happened to me in the last few months. My life as never been so full, so agitated. You have to remember I comeback from pretty far. I wont go into details here, but just remember my panic and anxiety attacks really took a toll on me. The month of August saw me depressed like I've never been before. I mean I've never been so blue to the point of spending day in and day out in bed. I wasn't even sleeping, I just didn't care. I was told it was to be expected after all I went through. Then I forced myself to go out and meet a blogger friend. It was one of the best day I've spent in a long long time. We didn't do much, just rode our bikes and talked. I guess the outdoors and the company really helped. He might think me nuts but it really was a great day for me. It did start rocky, I was having anxiety attacks while we were having breakfast. I guess I wasn't totally ready to face the world, but with him at my side, it was a piece of cake. Thanks Torn, you know I'll remember that day for a long time. For some reason it did me lots of good. And I'm glad it was with you. After that day, everything was different. I just felt so happy. Everything was great. Everything!? Since then, even when sick I smile. I feel good and my confidence has gone up tremendously. I think the exercise and the pills finally reaching my low point are the reasons I started feeling so good. I also started work again in August. Now that was and is hard. It's the only place I still have anxiety and panic symptoms. I know why. It's where it all started, and also the accumulation of three years of frustration regarding a few employees. After a while it can way a guy down. But I'm getting by. It's getting better every day. About that time I met a long distance friend. He stopped everything to go back to university. It's a personal goal of his. I know he'll make it!?This guy is pretty bright. He started a few programs that got top honors from our governments. Congratulation Mikey!? I felt so great that I decided to get another cat. How many depressed people do you know who will get a pet, something to take care of? To depend on them? I really felt great. I loved NEO. Here is something I haven't told you. I didn't mention anything and I removed my pics and name just as a precaution. I'm not even sure it's safe, but... I met a guy and saw him two nights in a row. He was a con artist and took 60$ from me. I told him that I couldn't see him, it seems to have done the trick. Even the night he was suppose to reimburse me he said he had to cancel dinner and asked for money. For some reason after the second time I met him, his stories had changed, I went on the web and found articles with his name. He robbed so many people, even companies. So on the third day of knowing him I went to the police and told them that if they were looking for him, this is where he is and here's his phone number. No need to tell you my anxiety was hitting me pretty hard. But I've not yet heard from him and I don't want too. Also in September I grew a year older. It was the quietest and best birthday day in a long time. I physically turned 38 but I think mentally I've moved from my teen years to somewhere in my twenties. Then in October, we all know what happened. My cat broke. Enough said!? Just then I met another fellow blogger, Foxy. He's a cool guy. He would like to be a writer. I love the way he writes, and his poems are pretty amazing. He's the one that made me the "wolf picture" and made me an honorary wolf by calling me Dreaming Dawg. He and Torn are the only two people that saw the shyness in me. Torn I can understand, he met me. But Foxy got it just from reading me. He's also a panic and anxiety brother. Us scardy cats gotta stick together. lol Last Saturday marked my fourth month of blogging. I'm amazed at how much I've learned and how many people I've gotten to know. The internet is pretty amazing. Also in the last few months, I met more guys then ever before in my life. And all but one were great experiences. Not bad. I think I'm turning into the slut I should have been in my twenties. hehehe So all in all it was an amazing two months. Lots of action, sex, tears, more sickness. Just about everything happened in the last months. I would like to thank everyone for their support. Your words and presence mean a lot to me. Thank you!? Have fun!? Joël

This is dedicated to those Born before 1979!

2006-10-22T11:08:00.000-04:00

This is an e-mail I got from a friend!? To all the kids who survived the 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because . WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound, CD's or Ipods, no cell phones!, no personal computers , no Internet or chat rooms...WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . . CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Have fun!? J

Sunday Songs!?

2006-10-22T00:04:00.000-04:00

Poor is the man who's pleasures depend on the permission of another!? Human nature!?

2006-10-22T00:03:00.000-04:00

Don't Tell Me

2006-10-22T00:02:00.000-04:00

What It Feels Like...

2006-10-22T00:01:00.000-04:00

I'm not happy this way!?

2006-10-22T00:00:00.000-04:00

Hazy Shade of Winter

Inner child!?

2006-10-19T22:30:00.000-04:00

We all have one. Why? Is it really a part of us that didn't grow up? Is it the base of who we are? If so why call it the inner child? Why not call it the base? Some people have a strong base. Some don't. Why does it affect us so much? The base is not the only thing making us who we are. I know, you can build the best house in the world, if it stands on a bad foundation, it will sway. Some houses can take the sway, some can't. Some will crack. Some will even crumble. So let's say the base is the start of everything else. Does that mean that everything that came after is not good? It is affected by the bad base! Does it mean it's not real? It's all a lie? I don't think so. I hope not. I think you can fix a foundation and patch the cracks. But how do you fix the foundation? Do you listen to that inner child or not? Some say you do and make him see the error of his ways. Some say to ignore him. Who's right? If you ignore the problem, wont it comeback even if you patch it up the way you think it should be fixed? Isn't it like burying someone alive? You stop the screams and hope he dies and not claw his way back. If you listen, how can you make him understand that his way of thinking is wrong? I mean in the end, you have to convince yourself that what you're doing is wrong. And I can understand that. But how do you make yourself understand? I can see the right way. I see the best way. So why am I still anxious? How can I make myself SEE? Understand? Why if I know now, I can't seem to make myself accept it? Also something that bugs me is that it's my base, it's me! So why talk about myself or the base at the third person? It's easier to deal with? I've tried a lot of things, I see a shrink, I've read many books. Some pro some con listening to the inner child. How can you understand anything? Well I've decided to take from each what I though was best for me. I feel I'm still at the starting line. I think I'll listen to "myself" for a while and forget that who ever is making me feel this way is not me. Cause it is me. Maybe this way I'll understand better and quicker. I'd like to know what you think. As far as I can see I still need help. My doctor was desperate tonight. He says he doesn't know what to do with me anymore. I did do well for a while. But I seem to be moving backwards now. His advice tonight, "kick yourself in the butt man." If that doesn't work, I'm going back to the psychiatrist.

To my inner child!? La la la la la la la la la I feel like you know me I know well I know I know you do I've got this thing going on Inside my head I've got this thing for you I like your face I like your body Like your feet I like your nose I like your chest beneath the covers Like your heart I like your soul I like your life inside me pounding like a heart inside a dream Inside a dreamer that's been dreaming of a perfect symphony I like the way you walk beside me like a paper in the wind The way you swing your arms so gladly Where you end and I begin I like everything About you Baby I do I feel like you know me well I've tried to let you see me for yourself I feel like I'm out of my head I've got this thing for you I like your face I like your body Like your feet I like your nose I like your chest beneath the covers Like your heart I like your soul I like your life inside me pounding like a heart inside a dream Inside a dreamer that's been dreaming of a perfect symphony I like the way you walk beside me like a paper in the wind The way you swing your arms so gladly Where you end and I begin I like everything About you Baby I do La la la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la la I like your face I like your body Like your feet I like your nose I like your chest beneath the covers Like your heart I like your soul I like your life inside me pounding like a heart inside a dream Inside a dreamer that's been dreaming of a perfect symphony I like the way you walk beside me like a paper in the wind The way you swing your arms so gladly Where you end and I begin I like everything About you Baby I do La la la la la la la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la la la la la la

Have fun!? With your inner or outer child!? J

Takin' it nice & easy!?

2006-10-19T16:33:00.000-04:00

Easy

Dreaming Dawg!?

2006-10-18T07:00:00.000-04:00

I was named an honorary Howler and this was created for me with pictures I sent the Leader of the Pack. This Foxy dude is a pretty good writer. He also creates good poetry. Check him out. Have fun!? J

How cute is that?!

2006-10-17T23:29:00.000-04:00

Chums!? Pascal made this little vid of his and my baby having a tender moment!?

Another long night!?

2006-10-17T10:19:00.000-04:00

But not as fun as last Saturday. I felt weak all day yesterday, I had the shakes. I sometimes felt light headed. I was sure I was fighting off signs of anxiety. I took a cab to go see my shrink. The driver seemed to really have me spit my heart out. I had my heart in my throat all night. When I got home at 7:30 last night, I went to bed right away. I woke up about 9 and my guts decided to clean house. So much so that I ended up on the floor. Pascal called an ambulance. They took me in. From 9:30 to 2:30 I sat waiting in an emergency room. With in 5 minutes I knew I had a major flu, a "gastro". To take gravol, rest for the next 3 days. So by 3 I was finally home in my bed. I'm ok, just weak and tired. And always thirsty. J

Meeting Jesse James!?

2006-10-16T00:19:00.000-04:00

Just Like Jesse James My week end started on a weird note. I got home on Friday feeling tired and sick to my stomach. I was sure I was going to fall into bed and sleep for a few hours. That didn't happened. I tried. But after twisting and turning, I got up. I even tried drinking a few beers to help. It didn't. I went out and found the best teddy bear for Pascal's nephew. But that's another post. After eating, I went to bed, it was about nine, I was sure I was going to take a nap and wake up and then go out. Yeah right. I woke up at three am. I went back to bed and slept till five. Saturday was a normal day, errands, blogging, e-mails. I went shopping for plants. I always over do it when it comes to plants. I think I came home with a dozen of them. I had dinner and took a nap. I blogged some more then showered and shaved. I went to Stud's, I don't know if you remember, it's the bar where you can let your hair down and no one cares. No snotty queens to stare down at you. I had a great time dancing. I went to the baths, hoping to make it an early night. But nothing grabbed my attention. I only saw two hotties, and of course they ended up together. I left after about an hour. I was ready to go home when I walked by Campus, a strip club, I decided to have one last beer. I ended up closing the place. I met a dancer I hadn't seen in about 5 years. He used to dance in a club next to my work. He's the only guy I ever made dance for me. I met another dancer who's a trainer during the day. Then I met Jesse. He danced on stage, then came to join us. They kept coming and going, to try and make money. They never asked if I wanted a dance. We just chatted for a good hour. When the place closed, Jesse asked if I was hungry. So we went out to eat. He even offered to pay for me. Funny, a dancer paying. That's when I figured we weren't trick and john. He asked me if I was interested and if I had a place to go. We ended up at a hotel. We jumped in the tub, started the jets and just relaxed. I felt like I was with a friend, or on a date. I asked him why he didn't try to find someone to make money, he said he wasn't looking for a john. He just wanted to have fun. We ended up talking and massaging each others legs for half an hour. He was in jail, did drugs, I think he still does, but he says he's clean. He just moved from out of town and hopes to be able to make enough money to start his own landscaping company next spring. We went to bed, made out, amongst other things. I left around 9. I couldn't find a pic of him on the site, he only started this week. This is the closest pic I could find that resembled him the most. For some reason, I think I made a few friends last Saturday without having to shed any cash in a money infested world. I felt like our corner was their pit stop, a place they could take a break from the fake for a few minutes before going back to the jungle of flesh. You never know when you'll be at the right place at the right time.

Sunday Song!?

2006-10-15T11:26:00.000-04:00

I Want Love

I want love, but it's impossible A man like me, so irresponsible A man like me is dead in places Other men feel liberated I can't love, shot full of holes Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold Don't feel nothing, just old scars Toughening up around my heart But I want love, just a different kind I want love, won't break me down Won't brick me up, won't fence me in I want a love, that don't mean a thing That's the love I want, I want love I want love on my own terms After everything I've ever learned Me, I carry too much baggage Oh man I've seen so much traffic So bring it on, I've been bruised Don't give me love that's clean and smooth I'm ready for the rougher stuff No sweet romance, I've had enough

Hero!?

2006-10-15T11:25:00.000-04:00

Holding Out For A Hero Remember him?!

Do I have too?!

2006-10-14T21:45:00.000-04:00

Iris?!

2006-10-14T21:38:00.000-04:00

Broken!?

Broken!?

2006-10-14T16:58:00.000-04:00

Congrats friends!? I hope you have fun!? J

You're not alone!?

2006-10-14T14:54:00.000-04:00

You're Univited To Foxy, I'm sorry about your asshole friends!?

Construction time again!?

2006-10-14T08:33:00.000-04:00

Yes I decided to do a bit of reconstruction around here. Since it will be my fourth month of blogging in a couple of weeks, I think it's time to shape this place up like it should be. I'll be getting the help of a friend or two and I'm sure we'll come up with something good. So please "bear" with me. I'd ask for a little patience as I'll be trying on different things. Your input would be appreciated. If during these modifications there is something that doesn't work, in the way of links or looks, let me know. I don't think I'm a newbie anymore. I've seen more then my share of blogs. I saw the way people really create their site as a part of them. A place where friends and strangers can gather. I'll make this a place I can feel comfortable and hopefully you will too. So I've already started removing some of the things I didn't think were fitting anymore. Orange as been transported to a shelter for wild animals. I'll visit him regularly. He seems very happy and he's already made friends with a Bengal tiger. I've also removed the queer music section. I think I post enough of videos. I've also regrouped my friends in one section. I don't think I need to separate anybody. No matter how far or deep we are from the closet, I think we're all the same. You'll also notice my blogroll shrank dramatically. I've removed a lot of dead weight. I've also saved some links in my favorites as I go see these blogs on a "once a week bases". So unfortunately all this happened at the same time. I'm sorry for those I still visit, but those dead weights were really starting to bug me. They've started invading my space. So much so that they've befriended my new blogger friends. I don't think it's honest to befriend someone to try to mess some things up. Sorry to my friends who think they have found new friends. Maybe you did, but it's out of spite. So I'll just leave it at that, for now. As for the ones who are left, I'll be doing a post on each in order to introduce each of them to you. I think my circle is pretty divers. I hope you'll like them / each other. Have fun!? J, out!?

2006-10-13T07:51:00.000-04:00

You Learn?!